Black and white

[Zues126]

Hey guys, sorry for the delay. Was on the road a few days for work and kids tonight. Been a whirlwind.

Court was just a meet and greet with the judge, and then we are scheduling an evaluation with a court social service to make a recommendation about parenting time. I am to prepare a statement describing our background, our children, my relationship with them, etc.

I'm not even sure what to say about it. When I was in the court building I didn't say a word. My L did the talking for me. I felt like everyone else was an alien because it was so strange to me that everyone else goes along with this like it's ok. That I literally have to make a case in court as to why I should raise my children. I started picturing them with alien tentacles coming out of their backs. I sometimes feel like I'm alone on this planet and either I'm totally insane or everyone else is.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to do at this evaluation. My L said she'd get me some talking points and review with me. I told her I could stick to facts, but I'd be a bit sterile. She said the courts need to see the real me. I said that's not a good idea because the real me thinks that everyone in this building is a criminal that will one day be regarded as the worst scourge since the Nazis and that if the social services people really wanted to know me they wouldn't put me in a room with a woman that made me more uncomfortable than sitting waist deep in a pit of snakes and interrogate me with the threat of losing my children hanging over my head...not exactly my normal 'day in the life'.

But I am a game player, I can do pretty much anything, so I'll review the talking points and put on a dog and pony show. I'll get some time with my children, not as much as I want, because anything less than 100% is a joke. But that's fine. My dad told me "it'll be ok". I said "it won't, but I can handle it until I die".

I talked to my friend tonight. I said it helps to understand nothing is really ours. Everything is so fleeting. We want to go out and get this life the way we want it, then hold on to it tight like it belongs to us. It doesn't. It's really on loan from God. Eventually everything will be taken away, little by little. Some people have some things a bit longer, but eventually we all lose it all. But that's only an issue if we feel we need everything forever. If we can accept that it's a loan maybe we can just enjoy what we have while we have it, and hold things a little more lightly. So my wife was taken back a little sooner than I expected, living with my kids was revoked...but...there are always things to be grateful for as well, so I focus on them.

One funny thing, I was reading a story in which a man was talking about traditional roles from the 40s and 50s. He was talking about how men used to go out and cheat on their wives, and their wives would basically look the other way and be appreciative that their husbands came home to them and provided for the family. This was in addition to putting up with a lot of other abuse and alcoholism. Yes, women put up with too much...but somehow it seems things shifted so far, that now they won't put up with anything. It's like everyone is on a quest for personal growth and thinks the goal is to grow, grow, grow, and heaven forbid anyone disagrees with them or has a different view, that must mean the other person is emotionally immature and underdeveloped, can't let that get in the way of their happiness and growth. That's why I hesitate with the growth kick around the DB forums...I LOVE that we do healthy things out of our losses, but I HATE the idea that somehow if we don't experience a rebirth we aren't worthy to be in an R. A newcomer said something about "driving his WAW away" and a vet agreed with his perspective...I do not...I agree with focusing on ourselves because there's no productive alternative, not because we're broken as we are.

Bottom line, when my buddy asked me if I'd ever trust a woman again or if I'd want a pre-nup I said "forget the prenuptual, I'd want her to drink a vial of poison that only I had the antidote to that had to be administered daily"...

So I can see there's a lot of anger I'm still working through. It doesn't feel like anger, not like I'm burning hot. Now it's more disgust with anyone related to the legal process, and repulsion for anyone that acts in ways that indicate they share these outlooks. But that's ok. Once I purge this crap out of my system I feel pretty serene and appreciative most of the day. I showed my kids a magic trick. We played a game of chess. We had a bowl of ice cream. We read together. Whatever happens I'll know I did my best and appreciated what came my way. Goodnight all.