Answer to: "why didn't you hear it from ME?"

[Flight]

W's Dad called me today out of the blue. I haven't involved him, but he knows things now through third parties and wanted to hear my side. I said we are working through things and I want to save the marriage. I told him my versions of some of the events he asked about and tried to say that there were two different situations. There is the state of our marriage and then there is her EA. He interrupted and said there is NO excuse for an A. So to paint a more balanced picture than what he had heard, I tried to explain my part that contributed to the relationship being in a place where my W would be open to an A.

I basically found myself defending my wife because he wanted to not speak with her again until she "woke up and did the right thing". But I guess he can see too that whatever was going on in our relationship doesn't justify what she did. Plus we lived with them for a few weeks on vacation and he can see that her story of "the relationship was already over" doesn't jive with how we were together. It is clear that the EA WAS the catalyst for her asking for the separation and not wanting to reconcile.

I told W tonight that I talked to her Dad so she knows what is going on. I imagine the fallout will be a challenge. Of course her reaction is "I don't care what people think" and "They didn't see what I had to live with and all the nights I cried myself to sleep". Funny thing is, I cried sometimes too thinking SHE was the problem! I see that is was both of us now. But she NEVER told me she cried herself to sleep. She can't see that that was part of what she brought to the relationship. I guess that is part of this fog too. She is taking very little responsibility for the problems in our relationship and still rationalizing and justifying the EA. It is hard to watch sometimes. I think she herself doesn't believe it sometimes and the conflict inside her must be painful.

But I felt very detached about it. I didn't feel any need to "correct" her or offer any truth darts. I said my peace and I listened to her and I asked her if there was nothing else, I wanted to go watch TV. There was a goal met right there. I did not get invested in HER issue. How she felt about her Dad's conversation or the false version of our marital relationship is not my problem. I can offer tidbits when asked, but that is her work to do. I have my work to do.