Ancaire, he didn't say it was all my fault. he said we are incompatible. I did bulldoze a lot during our relationship.
He told me he is sad as well.
I know I have to work on things, but I Do feel like a lot of those issues come up within a relationship, so I feel like I would need a partner to do so with. I have already grown in some ways, but need a lot of work.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Vanilla, I know. I just couldn't mentally take the limbo. You are right. Because 2 weeks ago he wasn't committed to no Reconciliation he was an "I don't know".
I did a lot wrong with dbing because mentally I am not s
1. Anger and tension and paranoia over possible affair. I also rewrote history and saw only the bad. It hurts to see the good. 2. The relationship questions.
Last edited by JulieH; 10/30/1510:03 PM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Yeah, once he moved out he was already divorced in his mind. I guess I have to move forward.
We both said we were sorry and that we would always love and care for each other. But this just makes it more final and harder to resort to my pattern of anger.
I love him and still would want things to work between us. He said he became not himself. And he did and it was awful and I was awful. I would want him happy again. I would want to be happy again.
I miss how we were at one time.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
That sad remorseful phase did not last long, because I started to think to myself, that he never tried to fix marriage (he says he did) the only reason for him to not try to fix a marriage is an affair. I was awake all night thinking of this. Knowing if there was might help legally and would enable me to know his true character. A friend and family members say his neglect of the kids reveals his extreme selfishness. A few of them feel like he would never admit it even to himself, but he was just was incapable of handling the kids (especially one with behavior problems) and a family. His need for independence is more important then the family he committed to forming. I was never one of those women who pushed him to marry me. I'm not religious and i was actually OK not being married to avoid the expensive wedding. He was the one that wanted marriage. He was also the one that wanted me to move in with him before we got married. I never pushed for that either, at the time I was content saving money living with my family. So he says we were always incompatable, but these were his decisions. It also reminds me that I wasn't that bulldozer unless it involved travel and until he neglected helping with the kids after they were born. These are issues most people realize and get through.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
That sad remorseful phase did not last long, because I started to think to myself, that he never tried to fix marriage (he says he did)
He is entitled to his view! You to yours!
the only reason for him to not try to fix a marriage is an affair.
I don't agree at all, it could be ignorance, lack of skills, cusidness, laziness, influence by others, head up ass syndrome, blue socks on Thursdays, yes on Monday, no on Wednesday. Who the hell knows if you have scrambled eggs for brains?
I was awake all night thinking of this. Knowing if there was might help legally and would enable me to know his true character.
How could you get the Intel? If he is in an EA or A now, would that mean he was before?
A friend and family members say his neglect of the kids reveals his extreme selfishness.
Fear or stupidity.
A few of them feel like he would never admit it even to himself, but he was just was incapable of handling the kids (especially one with behavior problems) and a family. His need for independence is more important then the family he committed to forming.
Mind reading!
I was never one of those women who pushed him to marry me. I'm not religious and i was actually OK not being married to avoid the expensive wedding. He was the one that wanted marriage.
I don't see anything out of the ordinary in that.
He was also the one that wanted me to move in with him before we got married.
Can be sensible.
I never pushed for that either, at the time I was content saving money living with my family.
And saving money was more important?
So he says we were always incompatable, but these were his decisions.
Could he be right? And if so does that matter? Are both of you rewriting the past?
It also reminds me that I wasn't that bulldozer unless it involved travel and until he neglected helping with the kids after they were born. These are issues most people realize and get through.
Oh dear, generalising and projecting. Did he always on every occasion do this? Did you always on every occasion?
And do 'most' people? Are you 'most' people? Which country is the town called most actually in?
It might be helpful to you to Google common thinking distortions. Psych central lists the 15 most common ones. Then I would like you to take this thread and see how many you can spot in your posts and then pick another's thread and see how many in theirs.
Just looked up the common cognitive distortions. I have so many! Control fallacy, fallacy of fairness,fallacy of change ( sadly only with my husband), filtering, catastrophising, jumping to conclusions, almost everything!
These are things I really need to address. I always felt like they were just apart of me. I never thought about how unhealthy these issues are to myself and relationships.
Can you really change these thought patterns? I guess you have to recognize them and then be able to take control of your thoughts and transfer.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Yes lovely, that's why they are patterns! You can reprogram your mind to recognise and to reframe them. This change is really very easy to do, I Internet promise. Once done tends to stay fixed. Mainly because many of the things which are distortions are idiotic if we break them down. You will find if you analyse your thread you have a few 'go to' distortions, have a go at changing those first. You could also try recording yourself! They are so common as failures that there are screeds of great writing on changing them.
The first step is to know what they are, then to adapt your thinking, they are verbal patterns not visual ones. Thus they are changed through language.
Step 1 is knowing and recognising the pattern, identifying it if you will. Step 2 is adapting your thoughts through words by knowing when you say these things. Step 3 is replacing with a new valid way of expressing using CBT techniques or NLP techniques.
Many will be just lax thinking styles, some may have their roots in unhealthy beliefs which may need to change
Let me give you an example:
My WH was always saying that I was the most selfish person in the whole wide world ever and everyone agreed with him.
My most effective responses picked off the assumptions, I can see why you might think that and I should be grateful if you would tell me who agrees so I can discuss it. Etc......
So V was more selfish than Hitler? She has never done anything unselfish ever?
I found the most effective tool was reframing, it was certainly the quickest to learn and easiest on the fly, also use specifics when offering opinions or critiques.
As : yesterday evening it was your turn to do the dishes and I believe you forgot, can you take my turn this evening. Not : you are always a lazy twerp and never do your share of the housework.
I tend now to talk about things that are done if they affect me rather than the nature of the label. Ie you did x or y on saturday at 9 rather than you are a drunken lout.
I am going to suggest you choose a couple of threads, a newbie one or a more mature one and check for these. It's quite illuminating, then because it's not your words, how would you reexpress.
It iis one of the factors in emotional maturity and it's easily remedied.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/01/1508:18 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
