V - I woke at 5 am on the dot everyday post BD. That's why?! I now sleep until my alarm goes off. It is a wonderful thing. Only took 6 months to get there haha
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I was detached for a few days, but then last night up again thinking of husband, filled with rage. Had dreams that I was yelling at him for cheating on me and he basically was laughing and ignoring me.
I could barely talk to him when he Called about kids. I could not hide the anger and coldness in my voice. But at least I did not say anything bad.
I will reread your posts vanilla and try that meditation technique tonight after kids go to bed.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Ohhhh Julie I had a similar dream ( nightmare) the other night where I was screaming at OW. I just remember the feeling I has upon waking up, it was utter hopelessness - like there is nothing I can say/ do that will open their eyes to see what they are doing and how many people it is hurting.
Have you ever had dreams in which you were the betrayer? I had a couple of those a long time ago. I still remember the sense of guilt, sadness, regret, despair, and loss of control I had in those dreams. I would wake up so relieved that it was just a dream and that I didn't actually do something like that.
I wonder if at times the cheating spouse feels like that.
I have never actually cheated on anyone before, but in my dream I knew those feelings. I don't even know if my husband has actually cheated (though the signs are there) I am so angry much of the time, numb (which I hoped was a detachment but think it's more depression) and then occasionally a feeling of compassion and love for my husband comes through.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I cannot imagine cheating on someone. I think the guilt would eat me alive. Even though I'm well on my way to being D, I just don't see being with anyone else. My views on marriage being for life are so strong, I'm going to need a lot of time to move on, in spite of H's actions. There's also the fact I still love the man. I so desperately want to find a way to reach him and save him from himself. I'm hopeless, I know.
I'm still going to save myself and do what I need to do, but those are my feelings...however unwise they may be. I really don't know how cheaters can live with themselves. I just don't understand.
Ancaire, My husband distanced himself from me for so long, I don't feel that way. I actually long for a companion. At this point, I want to salvage marriage for kids but I lost respect for husband as a man.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie, I have had those dreams and they were awful. But not as awful as actually being cheated on. My H claims his A was not physical so I think that has let him justify it in his own mind. Also he claims I destroyed his life and so I think keeping that anger going is helping him to justify his behavior so he doesn't have to face up to what he has done.
I am feeling exactly how you feel- I long for a companion but still trying to salvage my M to a man who I have lost respect for.
I so badly want to write my example of most recent H behavior that caused me to lose respect even more, but trying to stay away from specifics in case I am being spied on. Also trying to stay positive. But I will say that the more these incidents pile up, and the longer H lets this awful "being in limbo" phase drag on, the more I lose respect. I don't want to stay together just for the kids, but I do feel like that is where this is heading right now. Kids and finances and hope for healing, but that hope is fading. I still love him, but this is not a person I would have chosen to marry.
OK, Julie, I am going to say to you what Sandi said to me, and your screaming was in a dream, mine was screaming banshee OTT, and it still provoked laughter in WH, he knew he could trigger. Is that all you did dream a scream? He was lucky.......
You can't be held responsible for a dream or a thought, it's behaviours that count. A little cold to WH on the phone? Golly, major major infraction. In the real wortld, he deserves a little of that, use truth darts, get strong.
What is your subconscious trying to tell you through your dream?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/30/1506:44 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Asked husband over phone directly if he wanted to work on reconciliation and he said no. He said It is over. There is no other woman, we are just not compatible. His therapist (our old marriage counselor that suggested to me privately he had gambling problems which he doesn't) helped him to see clarity. That we were too dysfunctional and it's not healthy for kids. He can't give me what I want and I can't give him what he wants. That living together dysfunctionaly is worse for everyone then being happy separately. That we are both too stubborn to compromise and we are too different for things to work.
He feels He changed too much to appease me and became miserable ( he was for so many years) He never spoke up and just did what I wanted to keep the peace and then became a shell of a person. He said We can't make each other happy. He was never happy and he has thought a lot about this for a long time. And now he can become himself again. That he was dying. That financially it will hurt him but he can't live like that anymore.
There is no way he will change his mind. He said he left as a last resort to see if he would. He said we were never happy and he does not know why he married me (I was surprised at this because he was not the type to just jump in a marriage and we dated 7 years and lived together first)
So now we will have to figure out how to move forward. I feel guilty for my role and sad that he does now want to fix it. Since there is no other woman and since he is now being direct and honest it's hard to villify him, which would have made it easier. I am just deeply sad. That bit of hope and limbo and anger and paranoia was killing me.
He is right that our marriage was dysfunctional, I just thought it could be fixed. I feel horrible. I feel like he won't even look back and regret this decision because how we interacted for all these years was just so bad. ( he even said he could have gotten over me having an affair, but not how I was to him)
I feel like I must have been horrific, like an abuser for him to come to this conclusion.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie, so many of the WS say the same things, it's like they have a script. You played a part, true. Were you as awful as he is trying to make you out to be? No.
His reasons are justifications for his choice. We've all heard many of the same things. Figure out which part of this was actually yours and own it, but do not let him convince you this is your fault. Abandoning his family is all on him. That is his choice.
Once you've figured out your role, start working on the areas you could improve. You are still a long way from D. You could still DB if you wanted, but I sense a real ambivalence from you about it. No one wants to be married just for the kids. We all want to be happy. Can you be happy with him?
Julie needs to come first. H has bailed out and fired you as his wife. You're out of limbo and have such a great opportunity to make life what you want it to be. Time to figure out what that is.
I'm so sorry, though, for your sadness and pain. Give yourself some time to feel it before you start working on you. I'm really glad I gave myself the time to bawl my eyes out. I released a lot of emotion that way, which wound up making me feel excited for the future. At the time I was worried I was too sad - but I realize now how necessary it was.
