Back on these forums again 2

[Sotto]

Hi Mona, I actually think that text was okay! It was an important anniversary for him, nice to let him know you were thinking of him and he responded positively.

Main thing is to recognise the urge to keep a link there and to realise that constant contact with a WAS doesn't really give them space to start processing things. Your thanks on behalf of your D wasn't needed IMHO and it may be things like that, which you just let go of..

For me, weeks pass now without H and me being in touch at all, and I mostly feel a sense of peace about not being in touch with him. Yes, I would love the bond we once have, but not in the present circumstances with ongoing OW involvement...

You'll get there...you're doing really well

[Mona52]

Great minds think alike. I was complaining to you about my weight loss as you were typing to me about my weight loss!

My right knee will not allow a squat. Lets think of Option B.

I would like a firmer belly (3 kids), I work in a VERY quiet office, so I cant jump around. I should probably stay away from grunting as well. Although if I must grunt, I will

I have my own office, so I have privacy.

It would be a dream if there was something I could do repeatedly, all day, here and there, that will not get me sweaty, to firm up the belly and help burn calories, AND be gentle on my right knee.

[Mona52]

Thanks Sotto, I really needed to hear what you said and it helped me turn a corner.
----------------------------------------

When I was DB'ing the last time, my H moved so far away. He would contact me on holidays and things like that to see the kids.

Not a lot, just here and there. UNTIL

I am ashamed to admit it, but it took me well over 2 years to learn the meaning of detach. I was the worst possible DB'er ever back then.

There was a guru named Snodderly with the patience of a saint and 2x4'ed me almost daily because I was terrible.

So 2 years pass and I bumble through, but cling to these boards like a lifeline.

After the 2 year mark it happened. (You all need to prepare your selves for a shock, because what I am about to say is forbidden on this forum!)

I signed up for an online dating site.

(calm down people)

I went on dates. Some were terrifying and I am blessed to have made it home at all. Some were so much fun I have no words to describe how fun they were.

Then I met (OMG, I cant remember his name) I will call him Tom. We went on multiple dates and we were really starting to grow.

That was when H noticed and came home.

I am not suggesting anyone here date. That is what happened to me.

Even though he was a million miles away, when I really dropped that rope, he finally noticed. When he said he wanted to work on the M again, I could have easily said no. I did not feel strongly about him coming home anymore. I was on the fence and truthfully, I think i only said OK and stopped dating Tom because I did not want to disappoint friends here. I could have just as easily say 'See ya' as I closed the door. ("Ok, he also said how beautiful my eyes were... That may be the actual reason I said yes, but I am going with friends here and sticking to it")

But it is way more than that. When I dropped the rope, the old Mona died. That person who was defined by her H and children and the world revolved around them. I magically got better at everything. I had this midas touch all of a sudden. And my only regrets is that I did not reach for higher goals, because at that time I could do no wrong. I logged in here every day, and by then I had developed a close group of friends and with their support and laughs and tears and fights (yes, we fought way more on the boards back then because people had powerful opinions and strong ideas about what MWD really meant.) With all of that I did not even realize I could move a mountain, the mountain just seemed to move as long as I did what I was told and focused on me.

I am not killing Mona this time. I really like her sometimes (yes, I hate her other times) but she wont die this time around. I will tweak her a bit here and there, and cling to the words on the forums. Not to get H back. Not to save M. But in the last 8 years I forgot important life lessons and I need this refresher course.

[Gmum]

Mona, I will be having a glass of wine with you.

Oh and btw, congrats on making the first step towards becoming Dr. Mona.
I hope that's not a requirement for successful DB'ing, cause then I've already lost, haha.

[Mona52]

I need to rant. My children are completely ungrateful spoiled princess brats!

Today is my S11's last time for Trick-or-Treat. I don't allow it at 12 and older because I'm mean. My S is my youngest, so until I have grandbabies, this is it for me.

I will freely admit that it is possible this night could mean more for me than the girls. But they both bailed...

They are both going to parties.

This will be the first time ever I did not have my kids on trick-or-treat night. They could not do it as a family ONE more freaking year? Would it have totally killed them?

Trying to find a bright side....

ok, bright side,
-for a few hours a wont hear one snarky comment from D17.

-S11 will have my full attention.

-S11 may not even realize his father and sisters did not come because he is just so excited to run around with his cousins. (My criminal little sister has 100 kids, from different fathers. She is not allowed to come because she burglarized the neighbors and they have a PFA on her, so she cant come on the street, but her load of kids will come)

-more candy for me! (Dear me, DONT TELL PP i said that!)

I feel so bad for S though.

[Ancaire]

Firstly, if you act like getting to trick-or-treat with your son, just the two of you, is the best thing that could ever have happened, he's going to be just as excited. Last Halloween, with mom's full attention? How lucky can a kid get?

I have a feeling you know this, you're just distracted by the feeling of disappointment in your girls. They are normal self-centered teenagers. The teenage brain is all about self. They grow past it. H? Well, him disappointing you is nothing new. Brush it off, and have the best night possible.

Your paragraph before last has me really thinking. I am focusing on me, but am still distracted by H and his antics. I know I'm new at this, but dropping the rope is so hard. But...when I do, are you saying the old Judy should not die, too? Because I kind of think she needs to. Why would you advise for or against it?

I really am determined to be the best me I can be. The day may come so that it's just so H can eat his heart out or we R. That's just too much to think about. I want to be the best me possible so that I can actually enjoy life. I've had moments of joy, but can truly say I could give up living in a hurry because so far, it hasn't been that great. I want to change that for me and my children.

I'm writing down dreams, things I've always wanted to do...I'm trying to figure out who I am. Once I get an idea, I'll move on to goals.

I'm not pursuing D, by the way. I just have no choice because H is moving it along. I'm just not fighting it anymore, because it makes him so angry and dangerous. I think it's best for me if I just let him have what he wants, while doing my best to protect myself. I don't want to be D, but I'm too tired to fight him anymore. Focusing on me instead.

[PigPen]

Great minds think alike. I was complaining to you about my weight loss as you were typing to me about my weight loss!

My right knee will not allow a squat. Lets think of Option B.

I would like a firmer belly (3 kids), I work in a VERY quiet office, so I cant jump around. I should probably stay away from grunting as well. Although if I must grunt, I will

I have my own office, so I have privacy.

It would be a dream if there was something I could do repeatedly, all day, here and there, that will not get me sweaty, to firm up the belly and help burn calories, AND be gentle on my right knee.

Ok, this can be done. Not sweating is going to be a bit counter-intuitive to real physical change, but you don't need to be toweling off at work.

Couple thoughts:

- Walk as much as possible. If you have the option of taking the stairs somewhere or an elevator, take the stairs. If you have the option of making all of your phone calls standing or sitting, making them standing. Keep doing your long walks. Throw on a motivational podcast and get out there. The stronger your legs, butt, back and abs are, the better your knee will also be.

- At work, develop the world's greatest plank. You can do this on your elbows, or on your hands in the push up position. Start on your elbows. There are all kinds of ways of increasing the intensity of planks, but to start out you just want to make yourself into a rigid board. The more contraction you have, the better the results, so squeeze your butt, flex your legs, and flex your abs as if someone is going to punch you in them.

Start off with :10 to :15 second holds. One of those every 10 minutes, or on a regular interval throughout the day will add lots of money to your penny jar.

- No more pizza and beer! You can have the world's greatest week of walking, planking, and lifting more weights than a football team and undue all of that work in two meals. If you can do it, cook all of your meals with only one or two fudge meals per week. Other than that your meals should consist of lots of veggies, some protein and some healthy fats.

If you didn't cook it, don't eat it. (that's the goal)

You're going to do way more work shaping your body in the kitchen than you will anywhere else. All of this, just like DB'ing is a shift in perception. Your current dietary and fitness perception is reflected by your current body. If you want to change one, you've got to change the other. Otherwise the 180's won't last right?

If you have a friend that can join you on the journey for accountability. It makes all the difference in the world. My training partner and I are highly motivated and even this morning he sent me a message saying "Unless you tell me to come workout right now, I'm not going to make it today." I told him to meet me in the next 10 minutes and we had a great workout.

You got this Mona. Be open to the new way of approaching your health and body. Looking the way you want to is entirely possible, and then some. But just like DB'ing it takes work.

Let me know if you have any questions.

PP

[Vanilla]

Mona PP regime helped me a lot.

Recommend you follow along.

Do you have a monitor? A fitbit or equivalent? It really helps, earlier versions are cheap on ebay or amazon. They still work. You can set up an account too and record your food intake. I do so to count carb and blood sugar readings.

If not a traditional step counter and paper diary?

V

[Mona52]

Thanks V.

I have a few apps on my phone, one for steps, but I dont use that. I take 3 walks a day, if that step app says I need more, i might cry. But I will fire it up and start to use it. Then I have another app to record my food.

PP! Thanks, I will google this plank thing that you speak of (Skeptically...)
But listen! I dont know what I am or am not allowed to post here about other sites, but Goodhouse keeping has a 7 day diet that looks very healthy. Can you see if this looks like a solid plan for a week of meals. BUT *** Nothing can make me eat a veggie burger, nothing... The Pope could tell me I must and nope...

(before the food, I heard your no more pizza and beer. Ok, to the pizza, but I just started going out with friends on Friday and Saturdays. The beer is needed as I am not great with crowds yet and I am having a blast. So I will have to adjust to allow for 1000 calories of beer a week.)

Day 1

Breakfast

• 3/4 cup bran flakes, 1 banana, 1 cup fat-free milk

Lunch

• Sandwich: 1 mini whole wheat pita, 3 ounces turkey breast, 1/2 roasted pepper, 1 teaspoon light mayonnaise, mustard, lettuce

• 1 stick part-skim mozzarella string cheese

• 2 kiwifruits

Dinner

• 4 ounces broiled flounder or sole

• 2 sliced plum tomatoes sprinkled with 2 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese, broiled until just golden

• 1 cup cooked couscous

• 1 cup steamed broccoli

• 1 fat-free pudding cup

Day 2

Breakfast

• Smoothie: Blend 1 cup frozen berries, 1/2 banana, and 8 ounces fat-free milk.

• 1/2 English muffin spread with 1 teaspoon light margarine

Lunch

• 1 cup vegetarian vegetable soup

• 1 veggie burger in a mini whole wheat pita with lettuce and salsa

• 6 ounces light yogurt

• 15 grapes

Dinner

• BBQ chicken: Brush 4 ounces boneless, skinless breast with barbecue sauce and grill.

• 1/2 cup vegetarian baked beans

• 3 small boiled red potatoes topped with 1 teaspoon light margarine and a pinch of dill


Day 3

Breakfast

• Oatmeal: In the microwave, cook 1/2 cup quick-cooking oats with 3/4 cup fat-free milk; 1/2 apple, chopped; 1 teaspoon honey; and a pinch of cinnamon

Lunch

• Chicken salad: Toss 4 ounces shredded skinless roast chicken breast with 1/4 cup sliced red grapes, 1 tablespoon slivered almonds, 1 tablespoon light mayonnaise, and 1 tablespoon fat-free sour cream. Serve over lettuce.

• 1 banana

Dinner

• 4 ounces steamed shrimp

• 1 baked potato topped with 3 tablespoons salsa and 1 tablespoon fat-free sour cream

• 3 cups spinach, steamed

• 1 low-fat frozen fudge bar


Day 4

Breakfast

• 1/2 toasted English muffin topped with 1/2 small apple, sliced, and 1 ounce shredded reduced-fat cheese, any type. Microwave 30 seconds on High.

• 6 ounces light yogurt sprinkled with 1 tablespoon slivered almonds

Lunch

• 1 cup tomato soup

• Sandwich: 1 mini whole wheat pita, 3 ounces thinly sliced roast beef, 1 teaspoon horseradish, mustard, tomato slices, lettuce

• 1 cup raw veggies

• 1 pear

Dinner

• 3 ounces poached salmon

• Slaw: Toss 1 1/4 cups coleslaw mix and 2 sliced green onions with 2 tablespoons fat-free dressing (no more than 30 calories per 2 tablespoons)

• 3/4 cup cooked brown rice

• 1/2 cup pineapple chunks in juice

Day 5

Breakfast

• 1 cup Cheerios, 1/2 cup berries, 1 tablespoon slivered almonds, 8 ounces fat-free milk

Lunch

• Quesadilla: Spread 1/4 cup fat-free refried beans over 1 small whole wheat tortilla. Sprinkle on 1 ounce shredded reduced-fat cheese. Top with salsa and another tortilla; microwave 45 seconds on High.

• 1/2 cup low-fat cottage cheese topped with 1/2 cup mandarin orange sections

• Cucumber spears

Dinner

• 3 ounces roasted pork tenderloin

• 1 cup baked acorn squash, mashed with a pinch of cinnamon

• 2 to 3 cups salad greens with 2 tablespoons fat-free dressing

• 1/2 cup vanilla fat-free frozen yogurt topped with 1 cup berries

Day 6

Breakfast

• 1 toasted frozen waffle, spread with 1 tablespoon peanut butter and topped with 1/2 sliced banana

• 8 ounces fat-free milk

Lunch

• Tuna pita: 1 mini whole wheat pita, 2 ounces water-packed light tuna, 1 tablespoon light mayonnaise, mustard, and cucumber and onion slices

• 10 baby carrots

• 6 ounces light yogurt mixed with 1/2 banana

Dinner

• Jambalaya: Combine 3/4 cup cooked brown rice; 1/2 cup corn; 2 ounces cooked turkey sausage, sliced; 1/3 cup salsa; and 1/4 cup canned kidney beans. Heat through.

• 3 cups spinach, steamed

• 1 medium apple

Day 7

Breakfast

• 1/2 toasted English muffin layered with 1 ounce reduced-fat cheese, sliced; 1 tomato slice; 1/2 cup steamed spinach, drained; and 1 poached egg

• 1 grapefruit

Lunch

• Black bean salad: Toss 1/2 cup canned black beans, 1/2 cup mandarin orange sections, and chopped red bell peppers, red onion, and scallions with 1 teaspoon vinegar. Serve over salad greens.

• 1 mini whole wheat pita

• 1 pear

Dinner

• 3 ounces broiled or grilled flank steak

• 1 baked sweet potato with 1 teaspoon light margarine

• 1 cup steamed zucchini

• 1/2 cup pineapple chunks in juice

[Ancaire]

Mona, I love mushrooms. If I were going to swap a veggie burger, above, I'd use a nice grilled portabella instead.