Thank you, MrBond, for your help! It seems that you have hit my nail on the head. I did read the books, but a month or so back I looked for it in my hiding place and it was gone...
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Make small changes and moves here and there so she doesn't even notice them. Eventually those things will become habit.
Excellent advice, sir! Thank you for your help and thanks for stopping by in my thread!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
It most certainly is. All of the posters who have so graciously stopped in have given great advice. I certainly can' thank them enough.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
[quote]Thank you for responding. How far away will his next duty station be? My W's will be roughly 2 1/2 hours away. Which brings me to this - for a W and mom who supposedly loves her children so much, why is she so resistant to all of us moving with her? I mean, wouldn't a loving mom want her children near hear all the time instead of being a weekend mom? Her excuses for us staying here: 1) great school system and our son is having some trouble but they are helping him; 2) near my family - she has always been big on family support even though they only see my family every two or three weeks (even though we are only 5 mins apart); 3) financial - we currently have two houses (one is rented) and couldn't afford it. I call BS on this one. The area where her next duty station is like job heaven for my field, where I would make much more than am now. I even said I could pay the house here and we could either rent it out or come back every couple of weeks. No go.
My H is going to be moving to the opposite coast for his next duty station, so when he leaves here, he will be limited to seeing the kids only on opposite major holidays and a couple weeks during the summer.
I truly can't understand how ANY mother could be accepting of leaving her children. On the other hand, being in the military, H has spent half of our children's lives deployed or otherwise apart from our family, so separation isn't something unfamiliar to us. Maybe something similar is going on with your W?
As for quality time, when we first separated, my H would still come around and we'd do things with the kids, go out to dinner, etc., and he would say sometimes that it made him feel like we were a family again. Then he stopped doing anything at all with us for a long time. I tried and tried to get him involved with the family again in hopes it would help him reattach, but he wouldn't have anything to do with it. Lately he has started doing stuff again, but since we are actually in the D process, I don't put much meaning in it. Last night he was here and carved pumpkins with us. Everything was pleasant, but when D13 stepped out of the room, he asked me out of the blue if I were enjoying my single life, and kept asking me if I were dating anyone. I blew off the question and then D13 walked back into the room and everything was dropped. Very weird and uncomfortable though. I wanted to say..."you're D-ing me, why do you care who/what I'm doing?" lol
My H is going to be moving to the opposite coast for his next duty station, so when he leaves here, he will be limited to seeing the kids only on opposite major holidays and a couple weeks during the summer.
Ugh. I couldn't even begin to imagine that!
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I truly can't understand how ANY mother could be accepting of leaving her children. On the other hand, being in the military, H has spent half of our children's lives deployed or otherwise apart from our family, so separation isn't something unfamiliar to us. Maybe something similar is going on with your W?
I just don't get it, either. My W has never deployed since having children and has only really been away for a few short TAD's. It really is unfamiliar to us. Even though she really loves them, it almost seems as if she is unfazed by being separated from them. I hope that is not the case. Maybe she talks over that with her own counselor (she is currently having sessions with two counselors).
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Lately he has started doing stuff again, but since we are actually in the D process, I don't put much meaning in it.
Wonder what his reason is?
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Everything was pleasant, but when D13 stepped out of the room, he asked me out of the blue if I were enjoying my single life, and kept asking me if I were dating anyone. I blew off the question and then D13 walked back into the room and everything was dropped. Very weird and uncomfortable though. I wanted to say..."you're D-ing me, why do you care who/what I'm doing?" lol
Interesting turn of events, eh? I honestly don't know what to make of that. Maybe there are seeds of doubt sprouting? Who knows, though. But that he is coming around again and asking those questions would make me think that maybe there is doubt somewhere in there. Let me put it this way, if I were the one suddenly showing up again and asking questions like that, it wouldn't be because I was just curious...
Keep your chin up!
Last edited by Evil_E; 10/30/1505:37 PM.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
There are just so many things going through my head now that I don't know what to do. I think that my journaling is helping me to some degree.
I am proud to say - and not ashamed to admit - that it has been a while since I have even thought of snooping. At least I conquered that demon! Ok, so that may not be a big step but it is to me.
We ended up spending a good bit of time together yesterday because she had some day surgery done. I don't know what to make of it, but leading up to it she asked me several times if I would be there. I mean, I know that any number of her friends could have picked her up or whatever, but she asked me. I know I shouldn't make anything of it and that I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I do. Guess that is one of my demons... And she has been sending me funny pictures to keep me entertained during work. Again, I know not to get my hopes up, but that was something not seen for quite some time.
Its been a bit since we have had any relationship talk. Sometimes I just want to shake her and say snap out of it! And there are times when I want to do a temperature check. What if she wants to start on us but is too stubborn/prideful to say it? I mean, how is one supposed to know anything if they don't ask?
Last edited by Evil_E; 10/30/1505:56 PM.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I just don't get it, either. My W has never deployed since having children and has only really been away for a few short TAD's. It really is unfamiliar to us. Even though she really loves them, it almost seems as if she is unfazed by being separated from them. I hope that is not the case. Maybe she talks over that with her own counselor (she is currently having sessions with two counselors).
Maybe she is just dealing with it in her own way. At this stage of the game, clearly our spouses are not likely to share confidences with us, so I don't think its unreasonable to think she might be hurting over the idea more than she expresses. Hopefully that's the case. Or maybe she is just too caught up in her own feelings at the moment that it doesn't allow the loss to actually sink in. If she actually moves without all of you, perhaps that might even serve as a wakeup call that will make her more amenable to working things out. I have to believe at some point they will wake up and see things for what they are are.
Maybe she is just dealing with it in her own way. At this stage of the game, clearly our spouses are not likely to share confidences with us, so I don't think its unreasonable to think she might be hurting over the idea more than she expresses. Hopefully that's the case. Or maybe she is just too caught up in her own feelings at the moment that it doesn't allow the loss to actually sink in. If she actually moves without all of you, perhaps that might even serve as a wakeup call that will make her more amenable to working things out. I have to believe at some point they will wake up and see things for what they are are.
I hope so, too. I never in a million years would have thought otherwise. Although she does say she needs some quiet time from them every so often...
She is moving without us. She has already gotten her apartment. I hope that does serve as a wakeup for her.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I agree with Thornton. She hasn't really had to process the loss of her family yet since you have remained together in the same house. Instead she has been able to spend all her time focusing only on what she doesn't like and wants to get away from. After she moves, the reality of it all is going to crash in on her. That's the point she will be forced to figure out if this is really what she wants or not. I think it would be a great time to go NC on her as much as possible too. Let her feel the emptiness and silence.
