Tell her you're going to dinner with your sister. Leave it at that. If you say, "we are separated", you might as well tell her she ripped your family apart.
If she dares to push for a reason, tell her you gave it a lot of thought. It's best for the boys if they are not getting mixed signals, and going to your sister's for dinner is best to help them avoid confusion.
D, zip your lips after that. Firm, friendly, and strong. No R talk. You don't want a discussion about it.
Ok, thanks guys. W stopped earlier and had me keep s4 while she went to do a school thing with s6. First time she has asked me for a favor in a while. Then she asked if I wanted to take them t or t after the preschool deal tonight. I said no thanks, I have them Monday and will do it then. She asked about s6 going to a buddies house, and I told her that it's up to her (her weekend). Then I told her that I am not going tonight. She said "you are welcome to come if you want." I said no thanks. No questions or anything. Didn't even act like she cared. Still hurts, but not as much as it used to.
She said s4 was acting up a lot at the store with her, and busted her lip. Said she was embarrassed. I wanted to say that it's partly due to our sitch, but I bit my tongue.
We have started saying bye again when we part company... that is a newer thing too.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
just wish the no expectations part would somehow click in for me!
Whenever you find out how to do that, let me know!!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Looks like you did fine, nothing wrong with it. I do want to comment on a different perspective because I think you get quite a bit of advice to completely avoid the holidays with her as you don't owe anything, that it could cause mixed signals, etc.
Personally I think people get too strict on not spending time together and miss it's intention. Balance, balance, balance. The point of not spending holidays together and let them cake eat is to stop them from keeping the benefit of the M without its commitment. Yes, it's always important to do things in a way that's not punishing or rude/cold. It's also important to let them live their life and experience the consequences of their actions also. What I don't agree with is cutting off all that contact which could help your cause(depending on how it's initiated). To protect yourself emotionally, send mixed signals to the kids, whatever reason it may be.
Balance it out for a while, maybe do one together and the rest apart, don't just cut it off completely because it's easier to not interact with her. These are still opperunities to show her the life she's missing out on and the man only a fool would leave. Dangle that carrot don't just remove it.
I know this part is going to mindfuck you and maybe its not the right time but ill just say what I'm thinking right now. I'm sure others are going to heavily disagree also. As for you and being hurt, you can get over the dissapointment in time. Db'ing is about doing what works to improve ourselves and ultimately save our M so don't make a decision because it will make you feel better or avoid pain short term. Isn't that exactly what we avoid at BD, something like moving on to a new R because it will make us feel good. I see acting a certain way for the sole purpose of removing the pain the same. Sure, there is always a time and place and for most of the time it might make sense not to do holidays because of how the WAS is acting. Just understand that might not always be that way. Basically if it's painful but might move you toward your goal then don't do it to avoid that pain.
As for the kids, saving the M in the long run I think is more important than some mixed signals now. They are resilient and will be ok, much more so if you save the M.
Please don't see this as a means to pursue or jump up those expectations/fears. At times in this process we do things that don't make sense and are painful and I more just want to avoid the misconceptions of why we say certain things.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Fogg, I would love to go to this thing tonight. But, I have been the nice guy, and have given her everything. I have protected her from her own consequences sometimes too. I have to stop that. I love my kids, and W more than anything. I hope that seeing some of this will make her rethink her actions. We will be together at 2 basketball and 2 baseball games tomorrow. And more on sunday, including a church program.
How do you balance it out? 3 weeks from now is s6 bday. But, all her family will be there, and I will be the outcast in my own home. Should I invite her to do whatever I do with him?
I am very open to suggestions, fogg.
Thornton, you succeeded in this, I'm all ears!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
