I am really, truly disgusted by H' s behavior. He has hurt me in ways I could never have imagined. He drinks too much and his friends/goons are some of the worst people I've ever had the misfortune to meet. He says hateful things to me on a regular basis. He blames me for all his unhappiness. He actions are vindictive and cruel.
This is not the man I married. I deeply love that one, and believe he is still in my H, somewhere. I believe in M. My H is not dead, so legal status or not, I will still be married to H in my heart. I can't help H. I pray for him, and hope he finds his way home someday. I can forgive him, yes, for all of it. I am not a doormat, and have no intention of living with H under any circumstances just to save the marriage. I am a faithful wife who loves the man she married.
We are on separate paths for now. H, to go looking for his happiness. Me, to focus on myself, fully, for the first time in my life. There is much below the surface that needs healing. I will make sure I heal mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm going to become the best version of myself that I can. I need to do this for me, for my kids, and should the day ever come H makes it out of his tunnel, I am going to have to be strong for him...far stronger than I am right now. H has indicated, many times, he doesn't believe I can forgive him. I know I can, but I'm not in a good place right now to forgive properly.
I will be the anchor holding my family together. I will be the lighthouse for my H should the day ever come he realizes he needs help. I will do my best to savor each day and enjoy life to the fullest in the meantime. I need to be true to myself and my beliefs. Yes, I want to save my marriage. I don't want to lock and bolt the door to the way home. No, I won't take him back without significant remorse and sincere changes from him.
He is struggling, and it breaks my heart. I had a hand in getting him to this unhappy place, and I am completely remorseful for my part in it. He told me yesterday he doesn't believe I love him, just the life I have with him. That shattered my heart, because I can see how my part in this could have made him feel that way. Honestly, I wasn't too sure I really loved him until BD. What kind of wife was I?
I wasn't so bad I deserve the crap pouring down on me. But I wasn't the wife I should have been, either; I caused him pain, I made him feel unloved, and inadvertently helped unlock the ugliness that is currently residing in my H's body. I am so remorseful for that, and it is my remorse that helps me to forgive him. The day will eventually come when I hold no resentment at all.
Some of you will not understand, but I believe most of you will. I deeply love my H. I hope to one day R. Legal action doesn't really scare me anymore. H needs to see the light on his own. I have my own path, and safety will be found out of his life for now. It saddens me and breaks my heart that this is where we are, but I played a part in getting us here.
My game plan is to focus on me, pray for H, adore our children, and do my best to DB on the few occasions I will get. I believe in my H. I believe the day will arrive that he will regret his choices and be willing to make amends. I could use help, advice, and support in helping me stick to my plan. I would be easily persuaded to take him back too soon. I want a different, better marriage.
