and I feel the only things I've asked of her is to end her A's and to speak to me with the respect you would show any random person. Someone please let me know if I'm way off
She is not going to end the A's because 'you asked her too'. .... You can tell her that you refuse to live in an open marriage, you can tell her that HER A is extremely disrespectful to you and your family (you will receive blow back here because of the drunken oops you committed.... So have a truth dart ready here) these are things you can tell her.... But you are wasting energy and appearing controlling by ordering her to stop the A's. Remember the A is not the problem here, just seems to be because you are focused on it thinking if she would simply stop that and return to the marriage we would be able to work this out .. In her eyes the M is over and she is chasing happiness and you are in the way.
For me, I came to this conclusion with my W and her A... If that's what makes her happy, fine... I loved her and really wanted her happy. If OM was the guy..( I didn't believe he was ... Nor was he the man I am) .... Fine. I decided to let OM supply ALL of her needs, she was cake eating using me for certain things and him for others, I no longer allowed myself to fill those needs, she was sick during the holidays and begged me to drop off meds for her .... Her old husband would have meds, tissues, soup, blankets... I arrived to pick up our S and she asked where her meds were... I informed her I was not her husband, she replaced me and she really should rely on him to do those things, reminding her this was what she wanted and I am repeating HER choice.
This is where you detach and let her do her thing, work on you and become a person only a fool would leave
