I have been giving 100% for a long time. I believe I still am and will continue to. I don't believe she deserves the things or privileges of a W bc she is choosing to continue her A's. I don't believe I'm concerned with what's fair or her even reciprocating my efforts because I know she has a lot of healing to do before she can work on our M. I am willing to do all the work holding our M together but not while she continues her relationships with these OM. I did not file the D and do not want the D bc I'm willing to do all the work until she's able to help.
You're absolutely right. If she's actively engaging in an A, that's totally different then if she were just struggling to deal with your infidelity. I would agree the A could likely be a coping mechanism. But knowing and understanding that does nothing to make it any easier for you to deal with, so you definitely do need to set healthy boundaries in the interest of your own self care.
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I think she is reaching out to me the only way she can. And I am willing to give her everything I have but I'm really struggling with her ongoing A's. She is still regularly talking to the OM she slept with 5 months ago. She is not talking to her 2nd PA bc he told her he wouldn't talk to her until the D. And I know she is at least regularly talking to a 3rd man. What am I to do? I loved her openly and unconditionally even after I found out about the first PA for about 6 weeks. Then I started 180's. I hold the A's against her not her hurt and inability to work on our M. I know she will need to heal before she can work on the M
What a painful situation! It doesn't sound like she is really giving you much opportunity to fix the M right now. She might need to just flail around in her storm for a while as she rebuilds herself and works to accept the infidelity as being part of your shared life story. It's so hard when you are desperate to do *anything* to make it work, but until they are receptive to those gestures, nothing really seems to make any difference.
I DO understand wanting to hold the A's against her. I can tell you from my own perspective, however, that I found it impossible to feel guilty over anything I said/did to my H after his A, because he had wounded me so deeply, I felt like he had lost the right for me to consider his feelings. If I hurt him back, I reasoned that I was only making the score even. These were very unhealthy attitudes, and they did as much (or more) long term damage to our M than his actual A did, but that was how I felt at the time. So yes, she is a grown up and she knows what she is doing is wrong, and is responsible for making those decisions. But also bear in mind, she is not making these choices with a normal, healthy mindset. She is wounded and trying to self medicate to dull the overwhelming pain. Again, there is never, ever, ever an excuse for stepping outside the M. But I definitely advocate compassion (on both sides!) and trying to step out of our own pain to see that of our partners (which I give you huge kudos for trying to do). All behavior is a form of communication. Instead of getting caught up in the words or actions, try to understand the message behind it.
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I'm here! Fighting this storm. She's choosing D and A's. Even with her ongoing A's I'm not choosing D.
It sounds like maybe your W could use some IC to help with her personal issues if she was treating you poorly even before everything happened. You are a very good man to stand by her through so much and still want to be with her.
