I ask about dinner, she start into me how I should have had something cooking already when the kids got home, she is in a bad mood.
What was your response? Do you always get home first, and do you normally prepare the family dinner?
Quote:
All I get was spew spew angry, this is how she has done it for 10 years then I go and take my money away from the family. I mention that I only did it because of the CC that was maxed out this summer. She still thinks that she can not pay a bill if there is something else she would rather spend the money on.
10 years? How can you change this? The rest of what she said and you said are pretty much repeated behavior, wouldn't you say? How can you turn this to a different direction when it starts happening again?
Have you separated your bank accounts from your W?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She asked me about dinner, My response was to defend myself, Didn't have time because I just got home. I get home first a couple times a week, I don't normally make dinner, If my W is home she will make it. If she is not home, then I make it for me and the kids.
As for the ten years the same.. that is what she said, but its true she took care of the money. But she likes it that way and after having bankruptcy and credit proposals and our credit tanking, then getting a credit card only to have it go into default, and not being able to buy a house, she blames everyone but us or her. I asked to take care of the money and she wouldn't let go of it, she like being able to make the decision not to pay a bill and put that money towards fun stuff. Then this summer was another CC maxed.
I have a separate bank account and she has just opened a separate bank account, and we are using the joint account to pay for the bills.
So now I have my money and I am asking what bills are getting paid and why is that one not getting paid before I am putting my money in the joint account. And I am getting spewed on and she is mad like I am treating her like a thief and not trusting her.
She was saying to me that for ten years she has paid the bills with no problems. But there is the history we are not in a good financial situation because of her choices that she does not see. She says that I just stay out of making money decisions and then when she makes a mistake I can just blame her. Just like the separation, I am making her look like the bad guy and its never my fault.
I tell her I want transparency, I want to see where the money is going, I want to be involved in paying the bills, I want to protect myself. My credit is in the toilet because of her and it frustrating because how can I pay a bill if she has all the control of the money in the past.
Not any more, I at least have control of where my money is going now. I can see it before I put money in the joint account.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Think of every warm conversation as melting one ice block around her heart but She has 10000. Think of every cold conversation as adding an ice block to the mountain.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
That's a good way to put it, a little daunting, but not impossible. Just don't know what the next blow up will be. I feel grounded right now. one day at a time, One ice block at a time.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
it sounds like you are doing much better ... to me at least. I think you are really stressing your interactions with her too much. If you are nice to her it is no big deal. If you are genuinely a nice person then why stop? As far as her hair goes, dont think you messed up by not giving a compliment. I can guarantee she will she right through it anyway.
Overall, just continue being nice and polite, but do not go out of your way for any of it. Be a good person. that is what i tell myself. the rest just falls in line. I do think about things still before i do them and say is this a husband situation or just a good person situation and go from there.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I am stressing too much about reactions with my W. Most of my posts are about that. I constantly monitor and check and think about it. I just don't know how to shake it off. To do what's best for me and my kids. To do what I want with out wondering how it will interact with my W. We are S but living in the same house we are not really separate. I find I am obsessing about it. I need to think about other things.
I start soccer this Sunday and my W doesn't even know about it, I feel guilty a little for spending the money and not telling her about it. Also its a men and women team and I am feeling guilty about that. Anyway I will go and make the best of it.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
The guilt is a Mr Nice Guy trait. You have needs.... Follow them
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
No contact with the W all day at work. I kind of missed her contacting me at work.
W is away at a bachelorette party tonight, she is sleeping over. They are at some cottage. She left a note for me to do the kids laundry at home. She texted and called when I was home after work. Had a normal neighbor type conversation, was pleasant. She talked to the kids and then I said good bye. No fighting, no spewing.
Spent some good time with my kids. W will be back in the afternoon. So I have the kids in the morning. Then my MIL will be at the house for dinner. The house is a mess. not sure if I should clean it up or not. But doesn't seem right W is out at a party and I am expected to clean up and look after the kids before her Mom arrives. That was not in the note but I know that is what is expected. I think I will do some light cleaning and leave enough for my W to clean up.
I haven't seen MIL in a month, it used to be hugs and L you but that was tapering off for like a year now. They can treat you like a son until this happens. I can expect no talk of nothing important when she is here, not her style. They wait till you are gone then she will talk about you. It more polite that way and more cruel. But really I can not complain. I am never here when they talk about me so I don't know for sure. I just get to hear it about the other inlaws.
So it will be a show like nothing is wrong, and everything is great.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
The house is a mess. not sure if I should clean it up or not. But doesn't seem right W is out at a party and I am expected to clean up and look after the kids before her Mom arrives. That was not in the note but I know that is what is expected. I think I will do some light cleaning and leave enough for my W to clean up.
What would happen if you did not do what's expected?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If I didn't do what's expected she will get angry with me. And ask me to clean as she cleaned. Been there done that before in the MR.
I did some light cleaning, got the kids involved, one did all the vacuuming.
The MIL visit was what I expected, no talk of anything, acted like everything is the same. Not even a question for me. Its been a month you would think she would ask me how I was or something.
Halloween was good I took the kids out and my W stayed in with MIL to hand out candy. It was lots of fun. She took a picture of the kids and I decided to stay out of the picture. I think I made a mistake, there is no reason I shouldn't be in it. They need proof that I was there. She sent that picture to everyone, with no mention of me. Next time let her say for me to get out of the picture.
Next day W went out shopping with MIL, so I had the kids during the day, took them to the park. I told W about soccer and if she could be home at a certain time so I could go. She had some questions first was asking when I leave for it and when I come home, I was off by an hour on the come home time. I didn't message her at all telling her it was done, and coming home. Didn't think it mattered seeing as how I am DBing. Came home she said nothing to me, I didn't even see her.
The weekend was good, no arguing , no fighting, no one was angry, There was just one mention of how she always empties the dishwasher and I never do. I was going to get into it with her (defending myself) but I just dropped it and said nothing. Would of been a good validating time. "I can see that bothers you, I will try to empty it more"
Morning she was up and I found we are getting more comfortable together, she is sitting next to me on the couch when the kids are there, instead of the other chair.
Also we taking decorations down and I said there were some in the master bedroom window ( wasn't even sure what to call the room at first) . then she said something about them and called it our room.
It all seems positive right now so I will keep doing what works.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
