Re: LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (3)

[gs9]

AnnaB

Thank you so much for your input. It is very relevant

I was wondering if your W wants a D because she has an OM or because she is having difficulty recovering from your infidelity? I ask because, having lived through the experience myself, I think the dynamic is totally different.

I believe my WW wants the D bc she is going through what you went through. She is yet to be able to heal from my unfaithfulness. She is not yet willing to forgive and begin moving on. I believe the A's are a coping mechanism.

I know in previous posts you have said you felt like you have given 100 percent for a long time. But I also noticed multiple comments like the one quoted above that kind of sound like maybe you don't feel like W deserves the things she asks of you...or that you shouldn't have to make certain efforts because she's not reciprocating and it's not fair.

I have been giving 100% for a long time. I believe I still am and will continue to. I don't believe she deserves the things or privileges of a W bc she is choosing to continue her A's. I don't believe I'm concerned with what's fair or her even reciprocating my efforts because I know she has a lot of healing to do before she can work on our M. I am willing to do all the work holding our M together but not while she continues her relationships with these OM. I did not file the D and do not want the D bc I'm willing to do all the work until she's able to help.

I'm not saying you should do anything and everything she asks, but I think it's worth considering that it's possible she's reaching out to you in the only ways she can right now, and maybe you shouldn't hold it against her if she can't give more

I think she is reaching out to me the only way she can. And I am willing to give her everything I have but I'm really struggling with her ongoing A's. She is still regularly talking to the OM she slept with 5 months ago. She is not talking to her 2nd PA bc he told her he wouldn't talk to her until the D. And I know she is at least regularly talking to a 3rd man. What am I to do? I loved her openly and unconditionally even after I found out about the first PA for about 6 weeks. Then I started 180's. I hold the A's against her not her hurt and inability to work on our M. I know she will need to heal before she can work on the M

I just needed him to stand there with me in the storm and not give up until I found my way back

I'm here! Fighting this storm. She's choosing D and A's. Even with her ongoing A's I'm not choosing D.

If W has an OM, or is overtly playing games and mistreating you...OK. But if not, do you love her enough to ride this out, no matter how hard it is, without demanding she meet your needs when she isn't able to?

she has mistreated me for years. It's just been through this DB process that I've started not worrying about her anger, insults, verbal abuse and started standing up for myself. I love her so much that she has been playing games, she does have other men, I'm not demanding she meet any of my needs and I'm still standing here with the door open waiting for her to come back to me and our M. I'm not pursuing her like a lost puppy. I'm keeping the door of R open to her praying she finds her way back.

Thank you again AnnaB. Your insight is invaluable.