I'm feeling bad today. I can't really tell, in my own heart, whether I am detaching in order to take care of myself, or if I am withdrawing in order to punish and control him. I guess my behaviour is staying as consistent to my goals as I can manage (not perfect) but my feelings change from day to day.
Most of the time, I feel a bit better about myself - a bit less like a child, or a punch bag, than I used to - these changes are helping me. I feel like I have more self respect now I've stopped chasing him. I guess I always wondered what our relationship would look like if I wasn't always initiating the conversations, the affection, the time together, the R talk, the making up after things had been distant for a while. I always feared that if I didn't do all that emotional work, there would be very little between us. And I hated myself for being the person doing it all - and resented him for my choice too. So now I am not doing it.
It has been like a scientific experiment in some ways. I see that things are calmer - he certainly seems calmer now that he seems to 'get' that I'm not running after him anymore. That I'm not going to cry and whine if he ignores me for a few days, or sleeps elsewhere for weeks on end, or decides not to ask me about my day or share any details of his. I think that has made him feel safer. And perhaps he's coming out of his shell a little more - coming towards me a bit. But it's been inconsistent. I see small changes, but no pattern of definite progress.
And to be fair, I'm talking progress towards my goals - what I want to see him doing, and what I want from the relationship - they aren't his goals. I have no idea what he wants from me or us. Probably, given his behaviour, he wants me to be quiet, to leave him alone, and to pay for things. I can't see anything else that he wants from me.
But this information - the results of this experiment with detachment (if I have even been achieving that) has made me wonder if I really want to go on with this. I've learned he's happiest when I leave him alone and ask for nothing. I've learned I have more self respect and feel better about myself and am generally happier when I don't ask him for anything. I've learned that I do want emotional intimacy and friendship, and it means nothing if I control another person, manipulate them, or chase them, in order to get it.
I guess I am learning that for whatever reason, what I want isn't on offer from him. Right now, or ever, I don't know. But I am seeing that I am married to a man who has ZERO tolerance for intimate conversation, difficult conversation, confrontation of any kind (even mild, respectfully stated minor disagreement) and one who for whatever reason - our past, his character, his own goals, his fear, his anger - whatever - is unable or unwilling to move towards me while still feeling fine about letting me financially support him, his hobbies and his education.
I don't know what to do with all this. I don't want to make a rash decision and I don't want to change what I am doing - the way I've decided to act for my own self respect and happiness. But I feel like I'm seeing clearly, and what I see in him, I don't like and don't respect. He looks, more and more, like a coward who would rather live dishonestly than suffer the discomfort of self examination, honest conversation, or change.
I can't do anything today. I'm hurt and disappointed that he cancelled our plans without notice or explanation, and has chosen not to tell me why. That might be clouding my judgement right now. It might not be. I think I need more time for GAL and reflection before re-evaluating things. But I thought I would journal it all here and ask for insight and correction too.
