we're not talking about divorce or moving into separate houses - not really. We've agreed to rent somewhere together once the sale of this house goes through. He knows I'm not happy and don't feel safe enough to get into another big debt with him - but it isn't something we discuss regularly. I think you're right that it's too early to be making decisions like that - and yes, extreme given that there's no affair or abuse involved and he's an excellent father so the kids are better off with him than they would be without him as a resident parent.
Goals? Yes - I did write some down and we did seem to be headed in the right direction.
This week has taken a turn for the worse though. He's been barely speaking to me - at all. There's been no physical contact whatsoever and he doesn't even make eye contact with me when he does speak to me. It feels like a big step back and I don't know what has caused it.
About ten days ago he mentioned wanting to go out together tonight and arranged for the kids to sleep over at a relative's house. My jaw just about hit the floor. I said yes, great, and asked him what time he needed me to be back from work. He let me know, I put it on the calendar and left it at that. I didn't mention it again through the week (trying not to pursue him) and this morning he told me and the kids that he'd cancelled the sleepover because it wasn't convenient anymore. I asked him why, and he said we'd never had a firm arrangement in the first place, and in any case, all he wanted to do was have a nice day. I don't know exactly what he means - other than to think that either talking to me about why he's changed his mind, or going out somewhere with me, and having a nice day aren't compatible things. I said I didn't understand, and he packed up some stuff and went out.
I've been reading a lot this week about pursuit and distance and about the difference between loving detachment and cold or angry withdrawal. I've been sticking with my goals of being friendly without chasing him, not asking him for anything, etc etc. But I've not been cold or sulky. I do feel angry - and really disgusted with how he's behaving. I feel more and more like I am just a paycheck to him, and so long as I ask for nothing, say nothing, and expect nothing, he's content to continue drawing the cheque. I'm not sure if he's picking up on that attitude or not, but it is how I feel, and maybe he is.
If that's true, then I am getting detachment all wrong. Apparently withdrawing in cold hostility is the classic behaviour of pursuers who are trying to control their distancing partner. I don't want to do that. There are behaviours and actions I'd like to see from him - my goals - but I don't want to control him in order to extract them.
