Monday night I dropped off S to H. No small talk, no chit chat, got S out of truck, gave him big hugs and goodbyes, and left. When I drove up, H was talking to his neighbor about the well water or something, but I didn't ask, don't really care.
Seriously, I DONT CARE. I feel so....numb? Detached? Tired of him? I am working on figuring that out.
Got my new carpet in the rooms today! I feel so proud, I took care of this myself, paid for it myself, got a beautiful upgrade for the house, by myself. I can't wait for S to see it.
He has no school tomorrow, so I took a vacation day to watch him and his 2 buddies. Should be crazy!
H TM tonight. First random in over 2 weeks:
H: any plans or ideas for trick or treating Saturday? S says he didn't know. (His friend) is staying overnight after so hitting his neighborhood would work...just wanted to make sure you didn't have anywhere you were thinking about....
Hmmmm, look at H...assuming I will tag along on his night with S to trick or treat. In the past I would have been overjoyed and ecstatic he considered me....now.....not so much....
Me: S knows, he said he wants to trick or treat at (friends) I thought you had that coordinated with (friends mom) along with the sleepover? If you can't take him I can. Oh, and remember S has no school tomorrow, I took day off, you can drop him off here.
Of course.....silence......
I am going to talk with S about this, but I am guessing he can care less who takes him as long as he is with his BFF. I am planning on letting H handle it this year, on his own. Having had the Halloween party, I feel as if I celebrated with S, I can skip the trick or treating this year.
I continue to feel very strongly about doing holidays this year separately, no wavering happening here. What better time to start than now? I also am still having a lot of flashbacks and feeling waves of anger. I suppose that is happening to keep me strong....I have no desire for any further fake family time.
Aside from that, my PMA remains high. I would love to spend some time with friends this weekend.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
