Yesterday's gone. Tomorrow's not here.

[Flight]

I know, it is confusing and maybe comes down to our interpretation of words. Is a "goal" the same to you and I? Maybe, but yet perhaps subtly different. If you read DR, Michele says you have to have "a very clear picture of your ultimate goals and the signposts along the way". So the goals are your destination and the signposts are those measurable indications you are going in the right direction.

She also says "you need to translate your complaints into goals". So there is a good place to start. (A complaint of "I hate that she is sarcastic with me" turns into "she will speak to me with respect") She also give a big tip getting back to focusing on what works, "When my spouse isn't doing [thing that upsets me], what will they be doing instead. So...

ULTIMATE GOAL: Save my relationship (ah, but way to general!)
SUB GOALS (though maybe really signposts)
--- She will speak to me with respect
--- She will wear her wedding ring again
--- She will move from texting only, to calling me again
--- She will agree paticipate in some events with kids and I
--- She will call me once in a while to see how I am feeling
--- Send at least one one-way text a week

You could replace "she will" with "I would like her to" if that helps make it sound more like a goal.

You are looking for actions that will describe what will happen when you are getting the relationship you want. What do I have to do to make something happen?

Yes, you are correct that some of the goals or signposts are things not directly in your control. But you can set action goals that help you elicit those signposts. For example the "she will move from texting to calling again". For me, my wife felt unsafe calling me. Her hierarchy was "can't even look at you, feel nervous hearing you on the phone, I will accept and send texts when necessary because that is the safest". That was pretty serious stuff. So my goals for this one:

1. (general) I want to improve our communication so she wants to talk to me again
2. (a little more specific) I want her to feel safe interacting with me
3. (more specific action/goal that move me forward) I will avoid all negative interaction in text
4. (more specific action/goal) I will call her at least once a week with something that is important and make it a short, positive experience so she feels safe
5. My signpost/goal would be that she picks up the phone and starts calling me instead of the tedious texting process.

First I had to realize why she was doing what she was doing regarding texting vs. calling. She didn't feel safe. She was afraid of interactions that would mean pain for her. Then I created the goals and stuck to them. The goals helped me remember what I was going for and to discipline myself not to use the old ways of arguing, judging, getting defensive, etc. And guess what? Within a couple of weeks, she was calling me. I can't tell you how good it felt when the phone rang and I saw it was her on caller ID. The calls became more and more frequent.

Again from Michele, "What is the very first sign that things are moving in the right direction?" The goals will be "positively stated, action oriented and broken down into manageable pieces"

How's that for an Engineers analysis of the problem? lol. Does that help you? Anything you can add to help others if you get it to make sense to you?