I am so sad to read your update, it goes to show all of us here that the reconcile path is not a clear cut easy one, no fluffy clouds and rainbows.
I don't have any advice for you as I am not in the same position, I just wanted to give you my support and say that whatever you decide to do I am right behind you. I think you are a strong, amazing guy who has stood for what you believe in. You have been on your own personal journey that has changed you for the better and you deserve to find happiness and be with someone who cherishes you and all you offer - whether that is your w or someone else.
Your w sounds so lost, its a shame she wont consider getting IC so she can work through all her thoughts and fears. My h has described his head space to be a whirring mass of confusion, guilt, shame and questions. What he thought he knew he finds he didn't. He feels unstable, embarrassed and left hating himself. If your w feels the same then she is dealing with a lot of turmoil and only time and inward reflection can help with that, she needs to be able to work on her issues without outside pressure and that is what she feels you are putting on her. She also sounds like she has become reliant on you, you pick up the slack and make life easier for her, so in that respect she is not being forced into dealing with her demons. I don't know what the answer is, hopefully your posse of wise followers will be able to offer some advice.
I completely understand your feeling of being in limbo, its something I currently feel to so can really empathize with you. The result is your own turmoil and questioning .....
Much love and hugs to you Cali, you continue to be an inspiration to me and I thank you for sharing your story and being so open and honest with us about your feelings.
