Back on these forums again 2

[JksD]

Mona, congrats on your degree! Your life sounds really fun and exciting.

I get what you mean about your mum sounding confident and assured. It's just something that is so appealing, isn't it? It's also what I want for myself.

I am also trying very hard to get over the rejection and betrayal, abd the fear that nobody will ever want me again. But I just have to push these fears aside and get on with life.

[Sotto]

Hi Mona, you sound like a lovely woman indeed - your posts are vibrant & full of warmth and humour..

I'm pleased to hear about the plans you have and your impending move. You are so right that focusing on other things and getting excited about your own life truly makes a big difference.

Can I make a couple of comments WRT your H. Firstly, that evening you describe a few posts ago - where you cooked the cheeseburger pie and dressed up?? Actually, I would love to see you cooking and wearing whatever you feel like and not worrying about whether H may notice. Also, I think you sending a text to your H, thanking him for taking your D out isn't needed. That's just you wanting to feel a link with him and your D is old enough to thank him herself.

It is still early days, but I think forging ahead with your own things and letting the contact with H go is the way forwards. I do think you are doing well and are on the right track with much of what you are doing.....and I get how difficult it is to let go of the bond with your H. Hang on in there my friend xx

[Mona52]

PP, I might seriously try that. I have been walking, but I feel like i want to do more. I started smoking when I was 9, quit at 42, so exercise was just impossible. Now when I am out there walking, I get strong urges to push harder, feel the burn or whatever. I am losing weight, and I am happy to be losing weight, but I am not unhappy with my current weight or body shape. Yes, it could be better, so I get happy when it gets a little better.
So, to fill my craving, I may try a squat and see if my knees allow it. OMG, I am going to get down and have to call someone to help me up! OOOOO, Maybe it will be a handsome EMT!

Grlonfr, I have heard the same fears over and over on these boards, so you are not alone. I try to prove to myself through GAL activities that fearing the worst does not help. Then I prove to myself that if you follow the rules you get a desired outcome most of the time. Like, if I eat less than 2000 calories and try and exercise, I will lose weight.

The more of these 'follow the steps to get a result' activities that I do, and that sort of succeed, tricks my mind into believing that if i follow the DR steps, then my M will be saved. I just have to be real flexible with what I consider success.

For example, when my H was still at home, I wanted to move out so badly. I even drew one of those huge thermostats you see at fundraisers and taped it smack dab in the middle of my kitchen wall. Everyone in the house could see the goal at the top (buy a house) and how much money we needed to do that and how close we were. The thermostat never, ever was filled, but the dream was there. Now, I am about to move into my mom's house. No, I am not buying a house, like my goal asked for. But the end result that I wanted (to get out of the city) is being accomplished.

And my end goal of not spending the rest of my life alone because no one wants me will be fulfilled. I fervently pray that I hit that goal with the current H.

Hi Sotto,
You have hit the nail on the head with my current struggle. And an issue I have sometimes with this forum. This forum is a lifesaver, no doubt. I wish people who just wanted a better life would hang out here and try some 180's and learn to focus on GAL activities.

However, I think most people can get stuck on the last resort and no contact parts of MWD's books that it seems that is the only technique that gets any attention.

I have seen it work over and over again, and I am a true believer in both NC and TLR. I have also told people a million times to drop that rope, detach, detach, detach. It does not matter what WAS's think.

Detaching is more of the same for me. In the past year I have built a wall that he could not get through, not that he tried. He received no praise from me, because I really felt he did NOTHING. A week after he was kicked out, we were text message fighting and he stopped talking to me. I asked him why and he said he can't possibly win the blame game so he has nothing more to say. Then later on he said how nothing he does is ever good enough anyway.

In his eyes, he feels like I think he cant do anything right. That is why I want to thank him for picking up his D. I am hoping that by him getting some positive feedback, he will do more of what gets him praise.

If I am just kidding myself, and I really should NC him, please tell me. I would really like my M back, and if I have to change my way of thinking, I am willing.

[Mona52]

So Yesterday....
After sending a TY message to H, he replies YW. Then he gives me an update n S11's soccer being cancelled last night due to the storms. Weird, because he has never given me an soccer update before. He assumed I know that pouring rain means no soccer. And I do know. Also, I told him he did not have to send me soccer emails anymore because I gave the coach instructions to send me emails.

Before, he used to just forward soccer emails to me. Yesterday he sent me a text and wrote out the update. I thanked him because I actually did not get the email from the coach, I guess I am still not on the list yet.

In a reply to my H I said
"I dont know why I did not get it, I personally typed my phone number and email address into coach's phone so he could contact me whenever."
FYI guys, my S's soccer coach is drop dead handsome.
HA
That opened this weird floodgate and finally I just stopped responding to his text messages. He is trying to open accounts in his name, like cable and electric. He kept texting me wondering why I have not paid off all of his bills. I mean the poor guy cant get cable because he owes the cable company $195.00.

I wanted to validate, but seriously???? 2 and a half months after he goes I finally get a small, partial support payment, and he wants to know why I did not pay his cable bill???

But I am an expert DB'er. He cant knock me off my game, oh no. He asked me if I paid off his cable bill because I said I did and they wont let him open an account until he pays. I replied an hour later, "I paid the Gas bill and your cell bill."
H: "Do I owe the electric company?"
Me: "No idea, you will have to contact them."
H: "But you said you paid all the bills."
At this point any normal woman would visit her mental place and reply "How the #$%@* am I supposed to pay all of your bills when you have not helped me in the slightest?" Then a normal woman would get even angrier because she just broke a nail strangling him.

Instead I texted my dearest mother and spewed all over her.

then I replied, "I paid what I could and canceled the rest and set up accounts only in my name."
He continued to text and text and I completely ignored all text messages. I never, ever told him I paid all the bills. But I always pay all the bills so I guess he just assumed that since I paid 2, that meant I said I paid all of them?

So I did not validate, like "Wow it really must be annoying that you have to deal with this."

I gave him no positives like "Please, let me run over and pay these for you!"

I just completely ignored him. He has 2 choices, he can put on some big boy pants and take responsibility for his bills or go ask my mom for more money.

He borrowed first month, last month and the security deposit from my mother to get the apartment. I repeatedly warned her he will never pay her back, but she did it anyway. Since he is so far behind in child support, I expect the IRS should hand his refund over to me this year, so I will just hand that over to her to help pay for some of it. Not to help him, but she does not deserve to be out all that money.

I was spewing to my M yesterday and at one point I started complaining about something that I still have an issue letting go of. On Tuesday he came over and took ONE of his 3 kids out.

Yes, it was her birthday on Sunday.

But he has only seen the other ones like 3 times in the last 2 and a half months. And they were right there! I had to stop him from leaving without at least saying hi to D15.

So he took ONE kid out. I cant say that or re-read that sentence again, because my blood actually boils....

Speaking of my blood! I hurt my finger (not bad, just a sprain), but since I work at a college, they sent me to the onsite infirmary for the doc to look at it. (Darn doc was a woman ) anyway... they took my blood pressure and it was completely normal!

My blood pressure has been hospital high for about a year. Like when I am driving into a doctor, I force my self to breath and calm to try and get my blood pressure down far enough that they wont hospitalize me. I start thinking up believable lies, like "My BP is only up because I got into a huge fight with D17." I tell them anything I think they want to hear so they dont keep me.

I was astonished when I saw the normal reading. I used to get these episodes of irregular heart beats at night when I laid down for bed. I never told anyone. But when they took my BP I tried to remember the last time my heart had a dance party, and it was when H still lived here.

I really think these are all signs that I can push myself a little harder. There are these rowing machine thingys at the gym. They are super fun, but I could never do them because they would literally kill me if I tried. But the personal trainer they force you to talk to once when you get a membership told me they burn over 600 calories and hour. And apparently, 600 calories an hour is really hard to do. But I think I am gonna try it tonight. The kids will be out, I will be all alone. So they wont see me fail if things go badly on the machine.

Or I can pack...
Friday can be move day and unbelievably, Friday is TOMORROW??? how did that happen?

[Mona52]

Posting here so I can give my mother a break from my spewing...
H just texted me again. I stopped answering him yesterday and I am not going to reply today either. And I fully plan on being gone when he picks D up.

He wants to know if I still have the inflatable bed.

(breath Mona)
The city house we currently rent is more narrow than my car is long, so to get an actual bed up to the third floor, we had to pull it through a window.

When we first moved in, I had a firetruck bed for my little boy, and I was able to bring that up in pieces and put it together.

As all kids do, during the years they wanted to switch rooms. He was too big for a firetruck bed, but H would not pull a bed up into the room. He PROMISED he would, but never did.

(I should have, could have, would have just done it myself)

So finally after seeing S curl into a tiny bed one night, I moved the kids around. I bought an inflatable bed for D and gave her his room and I threw out the firetruck bed. She slept on that for over a year until finally I got so mad at him that I could not be near him, or sleep in the same bed, and she FINALLY got a bed.

For the life of him he could not understand why she just could not stay on the blow up mattress. He felt I was unreasonable for wanting her to have a bed.

So I would have been slightly annoyed when he asked for that mattress. But, instead I am ticked off that he has the nerve. because, he was fully expecting to just take the bed that is in the spare room at my moms house to his new apartment.

I told my mom yesterday not to give him a bed, he has to get his own things. But she disagreed, so I asked her to keep the bed there so I could have it. Well, if I need it, then she could not give it to him. So I guess today he found out he cant just take my mother's bed.

Instead of getting a bed, he sends me a text to annoy the cr@p out of me.
I SHOULD give him the bed. What woman will sleep in a twin blow up bed, lol?
No, he is not getting my bed and he is not getting a response from me.

Tomorrow night is trick or treat. IF he shows up to see his S on his last Trick or Treat before he is too big to do it anymore, I guess then H can get a response from me.

I know, instead of responding tomorrow, I will reply that i need to sleep on it

[Mona52]

For nostalgia sake I was combing the forums for any of my old posts. I found a handful, but my threads are gone. But it was so cool to see my old profile. I signed up 8/30/2004 under the username kellyagain
8/30 happens to be my wedding anniversary and the day he walked out on us. There was no bomb drop, he just left and when i tried to file a missing person's report, the police said no, he was not missing. They said he probably left me. I told them it was IMPOSSIBLE. They still would not file the report, even after the 3 days.

Anyway, I see on my profile my occupation as web site designer. I had no real job at the time, but sometimes I created a website for extra money so I just put that there.

Then, under hobbies I wrote "I dont really know yet"

I had no hobbies. It seems so weird that I was ever in a place where I had no job or hobbies.

[Jpeg]

Interesting! So he came back obviously but after how long? When did he make contact? If you don't mind reselling the story (or should I look back in your thread?)

[Mona52]

I will answer, but you may not be happy you asked, lol.

I DB'ed for almost 3 years before he came back.

There was all but zero contact. He moved in with OW that I had no idea about in a different state hours away. He had no desire to stay in contact with the kids and definitely not me.

My life was magical when the 3 years was over. Perfect H, perfect family, perfect job. It was the honeymoon phase all over again, but better. Neither of us could believe how lucky we were. That was 8 forgotten years ago.

[Mona52]

Originally posted by Michele:
GD1,
You certainly have been through a lot and I completely understand why you're feeling what you're feeling. Whether you would agree to have a marriage of convenience is not really the point in my opinion. You can do it or not do it. Both options are fine. But here's what I think.

One of the things that has become crystal clear from the posts on this board is that doing a 180 or the last resort isn't really about a strategic technique, it's about letting go. Lots of people have commented that unless you truly let go and you exude this belief from every pore of your being, it probably won't have any effect. Your spouse has to sense that you have moved on with your life and that being together isn't your agenda anymore. that's not to say you wouldn't be willing to do it, it's just that your spouse must not sense that you are still hoping, praying, thinking about him much of the time.

I know it's easy for me to say and probably nearly impossible for me to do if I had to, but I can tell from your writing, which is very succinct, BTW, that you are and always have been incredibly focused on your marriage. When things go well in love, GD does fine. When things don't, your life isn't quite right. I understand how you feel, but your husband probably does too. He knows that no matter what happens, you'll be there.

I'm not suggesting that you file for divorce, stop speaking to him or doing some extreme version of going dark, all I'm saying is that you have to do some soul searching about what YOU'D have to do differently for him to sense that you're completely fine without him. Maybe you think you've been there already, I don't know. But from what you write, it seems that your primary project has been your marriage...always.

So, think about it. Can you think of what you could do differently to really, really let go? (Not just a technique, remember, but a major transition in your inner self.)

Hang in there,
Michele

[Ancaire]

Ah, Mona...what an odd sense of entitlement H seems to have. You really did carry that man, didn't you? You are amazing...really, truly amazing. I read your threads everyday for ideas and encouragement. How your H is unaware of his good fortune and not fighting to keep it, is beyond me. Your kids are so very blessed to have you.

Ready for your big move? I'm so excited for you!