My true thoughts were you are not acting like my wife so you do not get the privileges of my wife.
Gs, I apologize because I haven't had the chance to read through all your story yet. For that reason, what I'm about to say may or may not be relevant, so please feel free to disregard if I am totally off base. I was wondering if your W wants a D because she has an OM or because she is having difficulty recovering from your infidelity? I ask because, having lived through the experience myself, I think the dynamic is totally different.
I know in previous posts you have said you felt like you have given 100 percent for a long time. But I also noticed multiple comments like the one quoted above that kind of sound like maybe you don't feel like W deserves the things she asks of you...or that you shouldn't have to make certain efforts because she's not reciprocating and it's not fair.
I will tell you, when my H's affair was first uncovered, I was the one who was going to leave, and he was the one giving 100 percent to make me stay. The thing is, infidelity doesn't just destroy your marriage. For the betrayed partner, it destroys your entire sense of self. Prior to H's affair, I always felt like a fairly attractive, successful, confident person. But overnight, my entire self worth went out the window when I realized he had chosen to be with someone else. Suddenly, I no longer saw an attractive, thin, accomplished female in the mirror. I saw a 38 year old with wrinkles around her eyes. I felt old, fat (at 125 lbs!!!), and ugly. I remember thinking to myself on more that one occasion that, because of these things, I was too worthless to live. It sounds ridiculous now, but it was very much my reality for a long time.
I noticed H's efforts to fix things, but I couldn't work on our marriage when I was struggling so badly just to continue existing. The A made me a bottomless pit of insecurity and need, and I had to figure out who I was and what my worth was as a human being again before I could even think about repairing my M. His many efforts were bandaids that helped me make it through the day, but they did nothing towards long term repair of our M because I wasn't yet ABLE to work on our M. If he had treated me with a lot of the advice I see meant for WAS instead of trying to meet my (sometimes unreasonable) needs, I would not have even bothered to try at all.
I say all this not because I think my way was the right way, but just to give you another point of view from a W who has been there. Maybe your W is being manipulative, unreasonable, not trying, etc., etc. But maybe she is just doing the best she can right now. I'm not saying you should do anything and everything she asks, but I think it's worth considering that it's possible she's reaching out to you in the only ways she can right now, and maybe you shouldn't hold it against her if she can't give more. Sometimes we are too wrapped up in our own pain that it makes us selfish and unable to see or even care about what someone else is going through. It's not because we're bad people...it's simply self-preservation. We turn inward to lick our wounds and recover.
With my H, there was nothing more he could have done that would have fixed things. I just needed him to stand there with me in the storm and not give up until I found my way back. Ultimately, it did not work out for us because he couldn't do that, and he walked away. But if he could have continued to be there for me, even when I was hurt, unreasonable, angry, etc., over what he did, I would have found my way back to him. I eventually did anyway, although it took me almost two years... If W has an OM, or is overtly playing games and mistreating you...OK. But if not, do you love her enough to ride this out, no matter how hard it is, without demanding she meet your needs when she isn't able to?
