6 months in the storm

[ep0215]

Quite a few things to update on today so this may be a long post, so bear with me.

Last night’s kid swap went really well. I was bursting with PMA. I tried to be as quick and swift as I could with the hand off, like I had plans to get to. Later that night I saw something on FB about one of his friends, he deleted FB the day he got caught texting OW (EA). I texted him to see if he knew, he did and told me some more details. I validated him that I know he was disappointed but did not offer my advice or anything else. End of convo. (Trying not to give away too many details). I got a TM from him EARLY this morning, he had to of just woken up, about a song our S likes on the radio. RANDOM! He has definitely been acting more like I am a friend lately.

I had an IC appointment this morning; I hadn’t seen her in two months. There was so much to fill her in on. The only time I got really upset was when I had to talk about the death of our dog. I read her my goals and we discussed how to handle the holidays, since I won’t have S4 on Christmas morning. She was very impressed with my goals and said I sounded really good and she is proud of how well I am doing. She knows without a doubt I am going to be just fine post D. We talked quite a bit about how I am now reflecting back and seeing how he had groomed me for 10 years to have no voice and just go along with what he says. Every time I would bring up working on our relationship or changing something to meet one of my needs I would get shot down and then he would twist it around to where I ended up trying to make him feel better and end up putting what I needed aside. I can see this scenario playing out over and over the course of our marriage, for instance I wanted to go on solo vacations as a couple of as a family and every time we ended up going with his parents and siblings. We haven’t had a vacation, just the two of us, since 2007! We have NEVER been on vacation as a family! How ridiculously sad is that? I can see now that I just gave up the fight because I knew I would be defeated. This is what I am changing about myself. I do not have to have the voice he gave to me. I have my own.

Tonight my friends and I are going to watch the Alfred Hitchcock movie, BIRDS!, in the park. It is going to be so scary watching outside in the dark. We bought fake crows to attach to our chairs.

I think that is all for now, at least all I can remember at the moment. I plan on scoring my goals this weekend for October.