Just to share a few of my thoughts, FWIW.......I have been making this statement lately, the majority of the LBH'S on the board seem to be the nice-guy type of men. Just as wayward women seem to read from the same script, so do the nice-guy LBH'S. I really have wondered if the men were not the nice-guy types, if the W's would ever go as deep into her waywardness. That's not to say he is to blame for her decisions, but women, by nature, are responders. If she is showing disrespect, she is responding to those feelings toward the one she disrespects. The women who are the biggest b'tches, usually have a nice-guy H. She gets away with treating him badly, b/c he won't do anything about it. My advice is to read two books. No More Mr Nice Guy, and Hold on to Your NUTS. If you see yourself in those two little books, then you will understand that you are the only one who is able to change that part. There have been many men who would not take the tougher love route b/c of the fear inside of them. Some may try to disguise their fear by using other things as their reasons/excuses in resisting the more uncomfortable DBing methods.
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Actually, I took weeks since this board is so active and cut and pasted many of Sandi's posts going back to 2007, I believe. I posted a few from others as well. The hard part is having specific examples of what to do or not do in a given situation. I know there is the general "she fired you as her H, don't be available", etc. But I would think since waywards seem to be reading from a script there could be more "when they do this, you do that".
Oh my, 2007! There was a man here during that time who went by the name of Puppy Dog Tails. He later became Starsky. If you will find his old threads, I think maybe the summer of 2007, I think it would benefit you. He is the number one guy for giving you the ABC's in how to respond in any given situation. I think he hangs around the infidelity section. Maybe you could flag him down.
IMO, the H of a WW needs to work from the point of her lack of respect for him as a man, as her H, and some cases.....as the father of her children. When a woman loses respect in what we would call a "normal" MR, it usually takes years before the waywardness takes over. In other words, he hasn't done just one big thing to lose her respect. It has been an accumulation over a period of time, and in many cases, an ongoing specific area that eats away at that respect.
Regardless of the type of affair a W has, it is the epitome of her disrespect toward her H and their M. If she wears the pants in the family and he just goes along, hoping to keep her in a decent mood......well then, how does he think she'll respect him enough to end an A? If she can talk disrespectfully in front of the kids, roll her eyes, undermine his place of leadership....etc., etc., why would she give up something she likes (i.e. an affair). See what I mean?
So, work from that lookout point. If she speaks to you, or through the children, disrespectfully, you need to call her out about. If she does it again, then I'd say you need to set a boundary. "Wife, when you speak to me in that tone of voice, I feel disrespected. If you continue to use that tone of voice, I will _______________". (Fill in the blank). The responding action must be from you. You cannot force her, controll her, or punish her. However, if your action has no consequences for her at some level, then you might as well blow in the wind. It may be you leaving the room, or hanging up the phone, etc., but her consequence would be that you removed yourself and she could not scream at you (or whatever she was doing). I do think your action should be measured by the particular dispectful act. For example, you wouldn't say, "Wife, if you express loud sighs when I try to talk, I will divorce you". Make sense?
To me, having a wife's respect is much more important than her "friendship". If your status is in-house separation, then I assume your goal is to eventually reconcile the MR. Most nice guys want to pursue a friendship.......and I can understand how logical that would seem. Most WW's want to be friends with the LBH. However, the two have completely different ideas what that friendship entails. So again, I suggest your energy goes to getting back the respect as the man. Once you have her respect, the friendship will be a snap. BTW, you can be friend-ly in your interactions, just don't be her buddy while she's in an A.
Finding a middle ground seems to be difficult for many H's. For example, if she calls and nicely asks you to push the button the washing machine, you would say, "Sure, no problem". However, if she starts leaving a list of things for you to do around the house.........thus freeing up her time or whatever........you would not start acting as if you were the unpaid house maid. If she calls you and ask if you could stop on your way home and pick up some milk, b/c she's cooking dinner and it would save considerable time........you would agree to do it. But you would not start being her errand boy to run do this or that every day. Not when it is something that she could do. That's how nice-guys get into these kind of traps where they are taken advantage of by the W (and even others). The WW is motivated by selfishness. Some, more than others, but most have a selfish reason for doing whatever they do. Just bear that in mind.
Yes, she has fired you as her H, but there are a few things you would do for a complete stranger......b/c you are not a jerk. That is what you need to divide in your brain, if you can. At the moment, you may need to think of her as if she was a boarder (not a roommate) renting space in your house. See if it helps you find balance in the interactions.
Learn from your mistakes. Don't repeat them. Don't complain to her. Learn how to state things as coming from a strong and confident male.
The more you panic, the more she will pull away. Think of it like a dance. You step back and it draws her body toward you. When you step forward, she steps back. The last time I checked, they still referred to the man "leading" the dance moves.
This is a long post, so I will close this one. If you think of a particular situation, tell us and we can talk about it.
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It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
