Slow and steady .. Only way to get through the fog

[kml]

Hahaha - another validation of my Itchy Butt Theorem.

One day when I was DBing my now-ex, he was grumpy and irritable all day. I damn near twisted myself into a pretzel trying to appease him, trying to change my behavior so that he'd be happy with me. At the end of the day he confesses that he's had a really itchy rash on his butt all day that has been bothering him!

Hence, the birth of the Itchy Butt Theorem - not everything has to do with you and the relationship. Some days they just have an itchy butt.

[Georgiabelle]

Cali,

I have missed you and am happy to hear you are doing well (as I suspected you would be). Keep up the good work and send GB a mixed tape, please:)

[CaliGuy]

I had an update Monday ... But the past couple days there has been more going on.... Figured I'd share and vent

Over the past few weeks I have been realizing things are slipping right back into the Old M, something I do not want. Last weekend S had his first sleep-over, this was the first time I can recall in years where W and I actually could have a night out … together. Things seemed to be a bit tense leading up to this, if I had to guess W felt pressure in a way … again … the pressure and MLC we all know what joys this brings. I had booked a really nice dinner, one she did not think would be a good idea as she felt we would spend a good deal of money and simply sit in silence and stare blankly at each other. So I cancelled … not a big deal, we talked about what we could do … and she made a dinner suggestion along with something fun to do afterwards and honestly I was good with it, it did sound more enjoyable than what I had originally planned.

So we drop off S that night and head downtown .. about a 40 min drive… W was on her phone the entire time, gave me some nice MLC flash-backs … we chit chatted a little but was hard for me to really compete with what she had going on with the cell that she has become so addicted to. When we made it down to Old Town, they had the roads under construction and the parking was just horrendous … as I drove around looking for spots she would peer up from her phone and point out a spot ( either handicapped or a fire lane) to which I would drive past it and receive a loud sigh from her …. After about 3 of these I had enough and we had it out. I voiced my feelings about her on the phone, pointed out if she did that to anyone else how rude it was … how the sighs were not needed as its not MY fault the parking was horrible. This lead to R talk .. the “What do you want from me?” to which I replied … I wanted a real R, a real M .. someone willing to share herself with me as I have felt her pulling back. I want commitment .. not just one toe in because it feels safe, nor does “I’m here” as she put it mean to me ‘commitment’ … I also pointed out how we have not done any of the Retrouvaille stuff for months, which she replied she just did not feel its benefits … I figured this was coming as I could tell with the minimal effort she put into this … not judging, just observational and I agreed maybe we picked up a few useful tools but the daily stuff did not seem to benefit us.

This lead to a bit of a door opening, W shared that she is a different person, afraid to show me all of her …. Fall s right in line with MLC and ‘who they become’ … I tried to be calm and explain how can one know if I would accept all of her if she refuses to show me. As we were sitting in silence, a couple came out of this building … they were just married and W started crying … saying she wishes she could warn them of all the things that are about to happen. I told her … that’s very sad that is what you think about … and what is more tragic is how you refuse to forgive me for not living up to the impossible fairy tale you had in your head and to punish me for not hitting the mark. I had thought we were in this together …. But instead it seems I have been on trial for every failed dream that was made for me … this seemed to hit a nerve and got her thinking. So we calmed down and went to dinner .. which was quite nice … I had a Mango Margarita , I rarely drink but figured .. WTH. Things actually calmed down a lot … after dinner we walked around and she snapped photos .. grabbed my hand during the walks. We made our way downtown to the Haunted Hotel. That was FUN … W was a total wreck but we left the building laughing at all that had happened. She even joked … asked me if I was scared at all and I told her that a few parts startled me as its hard not to jump when something jumps out at you from the dark .. I actually enjoyed it but was not ‘scared’ …. Then she said “Well you have dealt with me at my worst I imagine I am far scarier than that” We got home .. W took a shower and I walked the dog .. then I sat on the couch and started watching a show. She joined me .. laid on me and fell asleep. Was nice to have her do that again .. won’t lie .. I got her up and we went to bed.

That Sunday morning we talked … more real talk … this time it was about sex. I voiced my frustrations … not from a place of anger .. but just honesty. The fact I felt lied to during her illness and we were SSM for 5 years … then she was magically ‘cured’ had the A …. Along with that contracts the STD and she is not back to ‘out of commission’ stage. She understood, shared how ashamed and humiliated she is, how terrified she is about us having sex, about the chance of her passing that on to me … how I would be better off with someone else. Then about how messed up she is, and her fear that if she finally gets it all figured out I will be gone and it will be to late, about how she may have to let me go. There was a point I agreed with her, even told her maybe there is just to much damage, and the fact she continues to run from her issues and submerge herself in something else …. I told her at some point something has to be done, running is not the answer.

A few days pass …. And as I do I have been really thinking about this. What do I want out of all this … what do I need. She approached me yesterday morning and asked if I was Ok .. I told her I was, she pressed .. I did not want to fight but I did tell her I was not OK with a sexless/loveless marriage, how when she first told me she did not want D I stated that and I felt .. here we are. She again told me she is giving me all she is capable, that I will not like the new her .. I tried to tell her if I felt we were working on our M, and working on the intimacy issues then things for me would atleast feel like we were making progress, but at this moment felt like I am back in limbo and all things point towards more of the same misery. So it almost feels like a decision has been made for me .. and it is not something I think I am able to accept. She tells me she is not attracted to me … so of course that brings up OM and the A … like she could have sex with him but not her husband because of all our unresolved issues .. issues that are still not being addressed. MC does not seem to even be on the table, I brought that up a year and a half ago .. failed .. Retrouvaille .. failed .. I think I am done trying and almost feels like I have become the WAS all the sudden. I am seriously looking at moving out in December, W told me she does not want D, she is not kicking me out, she loves me .. but it feels like we are simply roommates and its more about her not wanting to break apart the family nor be alone … feels like its little to do with me.



So … its not all rainbows here … just needed to vent and get this out .. maybe this is just a low point in the ups and downs of all this, maybe its accepting that after all of the fighting for the M I am just to exhausted to do this single handedly anymore, I understand W has a ton more to work on herself and I think I could be patient with this … but I do not see her working, nor do I honestly think I can accept a M where I do not state my needs. I have spent so much time and work rebuilding myself and her spew sessions and the things she has said have started to erode some of that esteem… I refuse to go back to that

It's been a quiet 2days, she did bring me a smoothie this morning and has been relitively PMA... As I slept I swear she was staring at me, not sure what that was about

So nothing decided as of yet and time will tell where this ends up

[Sotto]

Cali, I'm sorry to read this my friend. Wow, that's tough going. As you know, I have no experience in this area, but I'll offer a couple of comments if that helps.

My first one is about what is perceived as 'trying.' You've talked about MC not helping and Retrouvaille not helping - and so you feel your W isn't trying. She believes she is trying. So, I'm asking whether trying for her is the same as trying for you. I'm only asking because I read a post somewhere about how each partner felt they were trying - but weren't perceived as doing that by eachother. A bit like the LL's - we think we're doing our best, but it isn't hitting the mark.

My second one is all about speed, pressure and expectations. You've already commented that perhaps you guys moved back in together too quickly. Also, I can see that things like a fancy dinner - whilst a lovely plan for many - might be viewed as pressure by a MLCer, who is struggling forward with their own issues. And then expectations. When we put the words expectations, success and MLCer together in a sentence they don't fit well.

Do you think your expectations of what the M would become and how soon are realistic? It is evident that she is working through issues still, and I wonder if she just doesn't have the additional stuff (relationship homework etc..) to offer. Still a little too broken perhaps to sustain that other than in the short term? IDK..

I guess the big thing is whether this is just another big bend in a rocky road. I can see it must be hard when she says she isn't attracted to you. But the fact is people do hang on in there in the face of limited encouragement and things do sometimes come good. I do think she sounds as though she is trying in her way - but not giving you what you need at this point.

You get to decide Cali. Do you think if you guys agreed to put the R on the back burner for a bit and seek some IC support it might be helpful?

I hope someone with more wisdom than me comes along to support. Take care my friend xx

[LouR]

Hi Cali

I am so sad to read your update, it goes to show all of us here that the reconcile path is not a clear cut easy one, no fluffy clouds and rainbows.

I don't have any advice for you as I am not in the same position, I just wanted to give you my support and say that whatever you decide to do I am right behind you. I think you are a strong, amazing guy who has stood for what you believe in. You have been on your own personal journey that has changed you for the better and you deserve to find happiness and be with someone who cherishes you and all you offer - whether that is your w or someone else.

Your w sounds so lost, its a shame she wont consider getting IC so she can work through all her thoughts and fears. My h has described his head space to be a whirring mass of confusion, guilt, shame and questions. What he thought he knew he finds he didn't. He feels unstable, embarrassed and left hating himself. If your w feels the same then she is dealing with a lot of turmoil and only time and inward reflection can help with that, she needs to be able to work on her issues without outside pressure and that is what she feels you are putting on her. She also sounds like she has become reliant on you, you pick up the slack and make life easier for her, so in that respect she is not being forced into dealing with her demons. I don't know what the answer is, hopefully your posse of wise followers will be able to offer some advice.

I completely understand your feeling of being in limbo, its something I currently feel to so can really empathize with you. The result is your own turmoil and questioning .....

Much love and hugs to you Cali, you continue to be an inspiration to me and I thank you for sharing your story and being so open and honest with us about your feelings.

[CaliGuy]

Than you Sotto and Lou... Maybe part of this is just the fact I don't SEE her working in things, doesn't mean she isn't... Honestly she is a far cry away from where she was this time last year

I do think she needs IC but it's really up to her to seek that out, I think at the moment she has her family and husband back and feels secure ... She did not lose anything in that sense so what is there to fix ... Almost like she expects my outbursts here and there and waits for that to pass over and it's back to the normal, maybe I just need to dig in deeper with the patient shovel, though at times I grow tired

I read a post sandis made for someone else but felt like it was written to me

[quote]
I think what you are wanting to see from her is a little effort. That's what my H needed to see in me.

When I made the decision to end my A, it was me deciding to do the right thing. That's all. I did not have any positive feelings toward my M. I did not feel love for my H. I did not want to work on my M. I, first, had to reach a point of being willing to be willing. I think my H became pretty discouraged b/c he couldn't see the internal work I was having to do. Not only did I have to deal with what I had done, and go through the withdrawals, but I had to forgive him for all that stuff I had resented about him.

I think your W needs a really good therapist to help her deal with past issues. So far, she's still making you out to be the bad guy while she's excusing her own unfaithfulness. With her track record of unforgiveness, it must be terribly discouraging for you to keep marching forward.

I think this is spot on for my sitch at the moment

[mleigh4]

It is almost like the biggest change is that you are now living with a MLC'er. I am seeing so many of those signs. Maybe you should approach your R in that way? You know, give space, continue to live your life, no expectations while she continues to do her internal work. I think she is trying Cali, but you are way ahead of her.

I know you are running out of patience, trust me, I know the feeling. Dig deep inside yourself....what feels right for you? I am thinking it is time to do some more soul searching. Take your own time and space, can you accept that she is trying, working, but still has a way to go?

[CaliGuy]

M

Yeah I thought of it that way yesterday. The thought entered my mind when she asked what we all were doing for Halloween.... Like you this time last year I was thinking seperate but she convinced me it was for S, at the time I was lead to believe OM was gone and found out otherwise and I had enough. Fast forward a year.... A is done ... No sign of OM... And yeah she is still baking but no where near what it was like last year so I have to check myself and realize this is far better than where the sitch was, and just DBing as I should till she works her stuff out.... Accepting I can not see this and it very well may take some time... Would I rather give up after all I've been through and done... No.

We joked about it a bit... I can say she does seem somewhat tolerant of my mini blow ups here and there, I also realized I can not press her.... Nor do I want her to fill my needs due to guilt or a fear of losing me/the family

So back in the crockpot she goes... And I continue to work on myself while still realizing God has a bit more to do with us both

[job]

Cali,
I agree w/mleigh...you are way ahead of your wife and you know what? You moved back in together too soon and that is why you are seeing so much of the MLC signs. She's not fully baked yet. When a MLCer returns too soon, it takes a lot of patience for the spouse to have to deal w/the MLC behaviors. It takes a very long time for them to settle down, especially if they aren't baked enough to handle reconciling.

Dig deeper for patience, give her space and live your life to the fullest. NO EXPECTATIONS! Also, this is going to be difficult, but you are watching the pot boil and it will never boil as long as you are watching it. Try to look at her as a roommate right now. She's got to have the time and space to finish up her crisis or you will become so frustrated that you will call it quits.

She's definitely trying to work on herself and it's also time do some more soul searching. Dig deeper for patience. Find things to keep you busy and productive and leave her in God's hands so that he can help her thru the rest of her journey. Okay?

[mleigh4]

Not to hijack, but you touched on a huge fear of mine there. I don't want my H to come home too early out of fear of losing me/home/family. I want him to have the time and space to figure himself out first. So I worry that my pulling back and digging my heels in about not spending time together could muddle that. Yet, at the same time, that may be the alone time he needs. If only we all had the clear cut answers!

I love how open and honest your W seems to be, she seems to know what she needs to do, and she is telling you so. That is a far cry from a year ago. Hang in there Cali, this is a new phase for you. Just think of it as that, you will work through the kinks. I have no doubt.

I clearly remember your Halloween last year. Didn't you guys go at it in between houses as S went to the doors? I hope this year is much more enjoyable for you