I had an update Monday ... But the past couple days there has been more going on.... Figured I'd share and vent
Over the past few weeks I have been realizing things are slipping right back into the Old M, something I do not want. Last weekend S had his first sleep-over, this was the first time I can recall in years where W and I actually could have a night out … together. Things seemed to be a bit tense leading up to this, if I had to guess W felt pressure in a way … again … the pressure and MLC we all know what joys this brings. I had booked a really nice dinner, one she did not think would be a good idea as she felt we would spend a good deal of money and simply sit in silence and stare blankly at each other. So I cancelled … not a big deal, we talked about what we could do … and she made a dinner suggestion along with something fun to do afterwards and honestly I was good with it, it did sound more enjoyable than what I had originally planned.
So we drop off S that night and head downtown .. about a 40 min drive… W was on her phone the entire time, gave me some nice MLC flash-backs … we chit chatted a little but was hard for me to really compete with what she had going on with the cell that she has become so addicted to. When we made it down to Old Town, they had the roads under construction and the parking was just horrendous … as I drove around looking for spots she would peer up from her phone and point out a spot ( either handicapped or a fire lane) to which I would drive past it and receive a loud sigh from her …. After about 3 of these I had enough and we had it out. I voiced my feelings about her on the phone, pointed out if she did that to anyone else how rude it was … how the sighs were not needed as its not MY fault the parking was horrible. This lead to R talk .. the “What do you want from me?” to which I replied … I wanted a real R, a real M .. someone willing to share herself with me as I have felt her pulling back. I want commitment .. not just one toe in because it feels safe, nor does “I’m here” as she put it mean to me ‘commitment’ … I also pointed out how we have not done any of the Retrouvaille stuff for months, which she replied she just did not feel its benefits … I figured this was coming as I could tell with the minimal effort she put into this … not judging, just observational and I agreed maybe we picked up a few useful tools but the daily stuff did not seem to benefit us.
This lead to a bit of a door opening, W shared that she is a different person, afraid to show me all of her …. Fall s right in line with MLC and ‘who they become’ … I tried to be calm and explain how can one know if I would accept all of her if she refuses to show me. As we were sitting in silence, a couple came out of this building … they were just married and W started crying … saying she wishes she could warn them of all the things that are about to happen. I told her … that’s very sad that is what you think about … and what is more tragic is how you refuse to forgive me for not living up to the impossible fairy tale you had in your head and to punish me for not hitting the mark. I had thought we were in this together …. But instead it seems I have been on trial for every failed dream that was made for me … this seemed to hit a nerve and got her thinking. So we calmed down and went to dinner .. which was quite nice … I had a Mango Margarita , I rarely drink but figured .. WTH. Things actually calmed down a lot … after dinner we walked around and she snapped photos .. grabbed my hand during the walks. We made our way downtown to the Haunted Hotel. That was FUN … W was a total wreck but we left the building laughing at all that had happened. She even joked … asked me if I was scared at all and I told her that a few parts startled me as its hard not to jump when something jumps out at you from the dark .. I actually enjoyed it but was not ‘scared’ …. Then she said “Well you have dealt with me at my worst I imagine I am far scarier than that” We got home .. W took a shower and I walked the dog .. then I sat on the couch and started watching a show. She joined me .. laid on me and fell asleep. Was nice to have her do that again .. won’t lie .. I got her up and we went to bed.
That Sunday morning we talked … more real talk … this time it was about sex. I voiced my frustrations … not from a place of anger .. but just honesty. The fact I felt lied to during her illness and we were SSM for 5 years … then she was magically ‘cured’ had the A …. Along with that contracts the STD and she is not back to ‘out of commission’ stage. She understood, shared how ashamed and humiliated she is, how terrified she is about us having sex, about the chance of her passing that on to me … how I would be better off with someone else. Then about how messed up she is, and her fear that if she finally gets it all figured out I will be gone and it will be to late, about how she may have to let me go. There was a point I agreed with her, even told her maybe there is just to much damage, and the fact she continues to run from her issues and submerge herself in something else …. I told her at some point something has to be done, running is not the answer.
A few days pass …. And as I do I have been really thinking about this. What do I want out of all this … what do I need. She approached me yesterday morning and asked if I was Ok .. I told her I was, she pressed .. I did not want to fight but I did tell her I was not OK with a sexless/loveless marriage, how when she first told me she did not want D I stated that and I felt .. here we are. She again told me she is giving me all she is capable, that I will not like the new her .. I tried to tell her if I felt we were working on our M, and working on the intimacy issues then things for me would atleast feel like we were making progress, but at this moment felt like I am back in limbo and all things point towards more of the same misery. So it almost feels like a decision has been made for me .. and it is not something I think I am able to accept. She tells me she is not attracted to me … so of course that brings up OM and the A … like she could have sex with him but not her husband because of all our unresolved issues .. issues that are still not being addressed. MC does not seem to even be on the table, I brought that up a year and a half ago .. failed .. Retrouvaille .. failed .. I think I am done trying and almost feels like I have become the WAS all the sudden. I am seriously looking at moving out in December, W told me she does not want D, she is not kicking me out, she loves me .. but it feels like we are simply roommates and its more about her not wanting to break apart the family nor be alone … feels like its little to do with me.
So … its not all rainbows here … just needed to vent and get this out .. maybe this is just a low point in the ups and downs of all this, maybe its accepting that after all of the fighting for the M I am just to exhausted to do this single handedly anymore, I understand W has a ton more to work on herself and I think I could be patient with this … but I do not see her working, nor do I honestly think I can accept a M where I do not state my needs. I have spent so much time and work rebuilding myself and her spew sessions and the things she has said have started to erode some of that esteem… I refuse to go back to that
It's been a quiet 2days, she did bring me a smoothie this morning and has been relitively PMA... As I slept I swear she was staring at me, not sure what that was about
So nothing decided as of yet and time will tell where this ends up
