My previous post was written after I just read the first page of this thread. I should have finished reading your thread before responding before.
Good for you getting things recorded. Honestly, having a lawyer is expensive, but it is worth the price for sanity. The first lawyer I had, had more of a tough love approach that made me feel hopeless--her response was just to tell me to stop interacting with him, which made me feel like I just had to allow myself to be mistreated, and cower in the corner. When the first OOP happened she reprimanded me for not following her advice. I felt like everything was my fault.
The new lawyer I have is kind and confident, and when I tell him things that are happening he is able to assure me it will be taken care of, which makes it easier for me to be patient and just let it happen. Having an L takes us off of the front lines. Before you were one person facing an army--a bunch of bullies. Now you are in the war room with a team that knows what they are doing. Who should be in that room with you? You, your lawyer, an IC--I highly recommend finding one (most will work with you on the cost), and whoever else you trust. Think of it that way, while he is wearing himself out on the battlefield you are patiently restrengthening while the professionals sort out the game plan.
In the meantime. Focus on you. It is perfectly normal to be sad. Jeez I cried every day for almost two years. Now I still cry, once a week perhaps. But I enjoy crying. Even when times are good I like to set aside a crying day once a month. Crying and singing are the best stress release tools IMHO. Open up those lungs and let it out. Then wash your face and get out and do something fun.
Speaking of which--what are you doing to GAL? Make a list of everything you always wanted to do, but didn't because H didn't want to, or because the kids needed you, or because you were afraid of spending money. This is where I started. And I started just getting out by myself. If you are nervous about going alone then check out meetup.com which has a lot of groups of local people with a variety of interests. People post outings and activities. I've done a few and enjoyed every one. I understand the financial worries. Right now leave that aside. In normal financial situations I am critical of the "buy now pay later", but this in an emergency situation. If you or a loved one had cancer would you let money worries hold you back from getting treatment? If your house was destroyed in a flood, would you let the house rot because you were afraid of taking out a loan to take steps to save it? Sandy taught me how to have perspective when it came to frivolous borrowing, and necessary borrowing. You are in a crisis. This is what those financial safety nets are for.
So right now--make a list of things you want to do. Even if they seem completely out of range right now. Make a list of things you enjoy. Picture your perfect date. Where, would you go, what would you do? Then ask yourself out on that date. Cry when you have to, but in between the tears become your own perfect companion.
Last edited by mustardseed; 10/29/1501:34 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
So sorry for all you have been through. I don't post much and don't have much advice for you. Just wanted to let you know that there are many of us on this board rooting for you. You will come out on the other side, stronger and better! And yes, we get that the feelings for your H don't just go away because of his behaviour towards you. They are your feelings, they are not right or wrong and you have to go through them.
Love and light!
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Hello Ancaire, I was wondering where you have been. I am so, so, sorry for all you have been through. You are one of the strongest people I know, and you are going to make it through this. I have no advice to add, you've gotten so much good advice already, just want to say I am thinking about you and praying for you.
Also, ancaire, he is going to keep trying to win this his way at all costs. Be very careful. He is going to try and force you out of the house before you are ready. Having you arrested didn't work so he is going to try and step it up a notch.
Anything he says or does at this point is a tool to get his way--to get you to cave, or to push you out. Don't engage. Record everything. And if you fee like he is harassing you take the first step--don't hesitate. He is waiting for you to crack so he can do it. Make sure your L knows you feel threatened--don't sugar coat it. She can help you.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
If you read my sitch you will find I was very clear that I didn't want WH near me. I even put his stuff in store so he stays away.
Your WH only needs to step over the line once and you can move to put a legal boundary around you. Be very clear with L. If you need a prompt print these pages and you have your cue sheet.
If you need to be safe, that always comes first. Do you have a lock on your door?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/29/1507:42 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Today was a rough one. The horror of what I'd just experienced finally sank in. One of the worst, most humiliating things that happened is probably something only the ladies could fully understand. I have a rather large "chest". I'm also extremely modest. It is an absolute must that I have a bra with underwires.
That little piece of wiring is a no-no in jail, so they took my bra away. The top I had to wear didn't provide much in the way of covering. I was paraded through the jail multiple times, handcuffed and unable to cover myself. I kept throwing up today every time I remembered all the unwanted attention and leers I was forced to endure by inmates and guards alike.
Out of all the awfulness, that leaves me feeling the most sick and violated. H tried to get me to argue with him today, and I resisted beautifully. But when he continued to state that I got off "Scott-free" for what I'd done, I remembered the 2 days in the mental center, 2 days in jail, and that God-awful violation...and nearly lost it. I didn't, thankfully, just excused myself to go throw up again.
I'm determined to get through this with grace and calm...but oh! Today was a rough one. Talked to some family members earlier, and feeling a bit better. Got H on audio again, with me continually asking him to stop pressuring me and please speak to L.
Thanks everyone, so much, for the encouragement and support. I would have lost my mind by now without you.
Now that I have picked my jaw up off the floor... Legally, they are giving you great advice. No matter what else you do or dont do, try and follow the legal advice to a T.
I see you were planning on no more makeup and showing depression so H cant see how strong you are. While I 100% agree you should not tell H that you are in a position of strength, and bite out your tongue before you mention the recordings, but...
No one can take away a strong beautiful you. Dont give him that power. You can move froward on building a healthier happier you without hurting your chances at any legal battle.
You were put through a terrible ordeal. Use it as a wake up call to refocus 100% on you. Just think how that night would have gone differently if you did not text him, but instead picked up a book on how to speak french. Then when he came home, you could have swore at him in French, and since I doubt he speaks french, no backslide! If, on 10/18 you would have been focused on you, he would still be in his nightmare and you could be pitying him from afar.
You have proven you CAN do this. Time to begin NOW.
About your children. OMG I cannot imagine how mortifying it was in that moment. But if any of them would have gotten drunk, mad and hit an ex's car, would you have a low opinion of them for years? No, you would shake your head and tell them to not do that. You are still the same mom in their eyes. Now wait and see how their eyes light up when you brush yourself off and become the superwoman you are about to transform into!
And I also want to mention the guards and ... lets call it "the wire incident". Because it looks like you have a difficult time letting that part go. It was more than an uncomfortable embarrassment to you, I think you even said you felt violated and no way to shield yourself.
The wire incident has as much power over you as you allow it to have. I get it totally how horrible that must have been for you. And constantly reliving it is not helping. You need to immediately find SOMETHING to distract your thoughts. Hopefully that something is a way to use your mind to make yourself better, but anything will do. I have not gone a day without some kind of flash card with me since my H left me the first time in 2004. I have flash cards EVERYWHERE. When my mind goes where I do not want it to, I study. It does not matter what I study, I just study. That may not work for you, but you have to immediately find something.
Post as much as you need support. Chin way up to the world and come here as often as you need to for legal and emotional support.
(BTW I dont speak french, but I think jerk in french is jerk, so find a different word for him if you feel like insulting him in french)
(((())))
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
