Wow, mind is blown 9

[Uphill]

Word of the day today is HAPPY. How to get there? What is it anymore? Can I get there?

I am at a point now that even if XF walked up to me and asked to work on things, I don't know if that would make me happy. It would be great to be a family again. I think S4 would be ecstatic. But I think I would be blah... Would I give it a go? Yeah, most likely. But it would take lots of time and patience. Lots of forgiveness and honesty. I would need to hear and see all the right things to even consider it. My outlook on it is that if it were to happen now it would have "hidden agendas". Holidays coming up, heating season, her car needs tires. All the things that cost lots of money happen this time of the year.

I'm just 100% torn right now if my original reason for being here is still the same reason I'm here now? I feel like this is a place to vent, more than look for answers as I saw it in the past. A place to get great advice on how to handle co-parenting. A place I can sit and type my thoughts without the fear of being judged or the fear of breaking down mid sentance. (You can't see me haha I can stop and start after dabbing tears and nobody knows!).

It feels like a sort of crossroad maybe? Like I have a few ways I can continue but I'm not sure which road I should take. Would I love to have XF and S4 in my home, take care of them and love them with everything I have? Of course! BUT, I have been a mental wreck since febuary and I almost feel like that ship has sailed.

Who knows where life takes me. Today is just another day, tomorrow is too. Make the best of them and see what the big man upstairs has in store for me!