I am going to hijack this thread for a minute if that is ok? I just read the blog about the grey rock technique. This is what I've been doing with my MIL for awhile now, without knowing the name. I keep the conversation as impersonal and boring as possible. I stopped reacting since BD. I have apologized and said everything was my fault but then I disengaged from discussing it further and will not. At what point is my H going to realize this dynamic? He thinks his mother has been "right all along" and now I need to make amends for destroying her life. I say nothing, but "I am sorry, that must be hard" but how can he not see what is happening? Its going to take her doing something to really piss him off, isn't it? I am guessing probably something at the expense of my kids. There is nothing else I can do, is there?
Mustardseed, as long as you WANT to be a stronger better person, you WILL be. You have the retrospective capacity to judge of your actions and move in the right direction. Be proud of yourself, you've come such a long way.
I can't bring myself to revisit my early threads. I don't want to read all that pain even second hand. Kudos to you for having the strength.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
If you do the internal work you will see the abuse. There is a websiteby Tonia Evans about recovering from abuse. I am doing her NARP program, a little alternative but she has lots of free stuff.
Healing is now my journey. It is as it is.
Once you have strong boundaries then abusers of all kinds will largely stay away from you because it's too much like hard work. Unrewarding.
I do stay away from diagnosis of the person, I just categorise the behaviour as abusive.
The issue isn't black or white thinking although the pattern is the same (what an excellent call), the reason being black and white is a maladjusted thinking state. We move from black to white and back again. WH a cycle of behaviour that doesn't slide (in other words once it's black, it's black) and this treatment of others is called idealisation and then devaluation (discard), I have hesitated to post about it as it is very rare and applies only to abuse sitches and then to only a few of them. If it applies to you Msd then I am saddened, it may as you say this is dynamic is occuring for your WH throughout. You might like to try googling devaluation cycle.
Photo to answer your question, providing it isn't obvious, the high maintainance subject of the grey rock pair (grey rock is our behaviour and response to them) or the breeze block (which is our response towards ourself showing strength) doesnt notice the technique at all. Why? Because their ego just says, that's for me? What a boring person. No value there, move on. You can do this for ever. They just don't see any mileage in being difficult with you at all. No acts of service for them though, you are too busy, would mess it up etc. Then you go on about something really really tedious to distract, talk about the type of weeds on the patio or the new kettle you bought yesterday. This type of person MIL is too ego centric to not be with excitement.
Eventually your MIL will overstep the mark, keep out of her way. If she can't blame you then it will be someone else, probably her S. The kids will take their lead from you, be ultra sticky sweet without giving her anything. Then let her get on with it. You can also try googling the fogging technique, and philibustering, both excellent as alternatives with MIL, if you want to mix it up.
For fogging technique I like the post on newline-avoiding conflict. (The post on assertiveness is good too and there is a questionaire) it's one I use in my quarterly goal scoring for measuring my comes goals. Tooooooooo much info on V sorry Msd.
My views
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/24/1503:38 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I stayed up all night and spent all of this morning reading your threads. You write very well (reads like a professional author is writing) and I relate so much to what you have gone through and I have come across so many similarities my heart was actually pounding. (i hope this doesn't freak you out but it appears we live close by as well. We probably crossed paths at one point and drank mojitos in the same place : ) ) I relate to the financial struggles of the area, but even more to the dynamics between you and your husband.
Like you, I have always felt like everything was my fault. I didn't realize it was a form of control, but I see that I am controlling. Also I have that need for verbal reassurances and I really get your need for honesty and openness. I keep resorting to requesting answers from him, but I have decided after reading your situation that I am going to go cold turkey on that. It is pointless.
Husband also has trouble saving (also spent tons of money on takeout and alcohol) and just couldn't handle life. We kept completely separate finances and he has been pushing for me to return to work full time. I have been in denial for a while, though lawyer, my family, vanilla has stated the obvious... He is using my hopes for reconciliation to save resources for him. He has been stonewalling me for a long time. I thought it was because I had hurt him so bad with my hypercritisiscm but I forget at how selfish he had always been and why I criticisized him. I am also noticing little things he is doing and texting to make it look like I am keeping him from kids...
My only saving grace is that he left us and has not been living with us. I also did not have other woman shoved in my face (that doesn't mean there is not one)
Anyway, I am sorry I came on and hijacked your thread. I want to thank you though for writing about your experiences. It left me with a huge take home message....It is stupid for me to trust him. (A week ago made a big mistake by discussing us with his mother). I will continue to be sweet and careful in all of my correspondences. I will not be baited. No more questions as he could accuse me of harassment. dont reveal my suspicions to him. Play dumb. Focus now on crossing I's and T's. I hope I am wrong, that he is not this very selfish narcisissist but I realize from your experience that I need to change what my goals are right now.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Regardless of him being a narc or not, you need to treat him as some one who doesn't have your needs in mind nor your fincinal interest at heart.
Treat them as you would a stranger as they have flipped a switch and are a stranger.
That's equally applicable to us all, nilla,me, msd and anyone else reading.
I don't write or read as well as some others but I try to be clear and concise. Somehow xh2 turned me into someone who was not, it was a complaint of his. That I could discuss an issue and not really know how I feel till all angles and some time passed.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
No need to apologize for hijacking--all of this info is useful for all of us in this sitch. Keep it coming.
Julie H--maybe we should try to get together for mojitos! ETA tried sending you a PM but I guess you can't from this site.
V. You are a wealth of information and inspiration. I am going to read up on the devaluation cycle today.
Thank you--all of you--for you support, insight, and for being open about your own sitches. Because it really is easier to spot the red flags in someone else's story--sometimes that is what it takes to open our eyes to our own.
Last edited by mustardseed; 10/27/1502:22 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I read this and thought--was this person eavesdropping on my relationship? Talk about spot on.
He was so good at this. So good. Early on he made me feel awful for confiding in friends when we would have a disagreement. He told me that he doesn't want them thinking he was a bad guy. I assured him I never bad mouthed him, but I just needed to talk and he needed space so I turned to my friends to fill my need and overcome my frustration. He always used double speak--saying he understood, and he would never tell me what to do, but at the end of it all I felt awful and apologized and I never did it again. I made it a point to always speak highly of him, even when he frustrated me. I ended up becoming distanced from people because I felt guilty letting them into our lives. It was my job to keep up the perfect family picture.
Meanwhile he opened up to OW. He turned me into a "clingy crazy bitch" to his circle. He did everything he tried to make me feel guilty about doing--even though I wasn't doing it.
That is the reason why I make sure I am not hiding. AS much as I avoid interactions with him, I like that others are seeing the real me. It makes him uncomfortable, which can be dangerous for me--but understanding his game and staying focused--not reactive--is important. I can't avoid him because we have kids. So the best I can do is keep up my wall with him, and be my best me for myself, my children, and the rest of the world.
Last edited by Cadet; 10/29/1501:46 PM. Reason: Link Not allowed
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Mustardseed, I'm still reading and learning so much! Aware and not reactive! This needs to be my mantra. I'm stuck in the house with H until I get funds to get out. He sleeps elsewhere, thank goodness, but when he's here, he's not shy about applying pressure to me. I don't trust the look in his eyes these days. He's making me distinctly nervous. I did a good job of replying to him today by simply saying "I don't want to fight with you" or "I don't know".
I made a mistake when he asked me what I wanted from him in D, and I replied "only what I'm entitled to by law". He asked what that was, and I said 5-7 years spousal support, to which he said "not happening". I just didn't reply to that. He asked if I hired lawyer, and I said yes....totally ticked him off. He has one. Why can't I have one? I don't understand his thinking at all.
I wish I could leave. I'm really getting frightened. Too bad I wrecked my car...
It's too late to edit it now. Can a Moderator take care of that?
And Anc, I agree with V. This is no longer a relationship, it is a game. It [censored]. You don't owe him any answers at all. Let the lawyer take care of everything. Make sure your lawyer is aware that you are afraid of his behavior. The goal is to get you out as quickly as possible without sacrificing what is rightfully yours.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
