less confused newbie. (6)

[Azzork]

She filed for divorce. In my mind, you aren't in limbo. It's clear what she wants right now. Let her have it. I wouldn't do things like holidays or birthdays together. I WOULD find out what kinds of plans she has for his bday - that way you can do something similar. If he will just have one party with his friends, then I guess it's ok to throw that together. But if it's just family, I would organize something separate.

I kinda think you're still letting her live the best of both worlds.

[dday]

Yep, cake eating. That's what I have been wondering, too. I just don't want the kids to have it any rougher than it has to be. And I still want to reconcile.

[Sotto]

I agree with Azzork. She filed for D and therefore it is reasonable to make your own plans for you and the kids on special occasions. I would make a clean break for Hallowe'en and leave her to it. The kids will have a good time and you can do some pumpkin carving, festive baking or similar on another day.

I don't think this is about the kids as much as your own acceptance of the need for change. There is an inevitable impact on them - but you don't get to control your W and what she chooses. The main thing is that you both love them and will be there for them.

So...how about a nice Hallowe'en party or meetup my friend?? Then you can truly tell your W - no thanks; I have other plans...

[tl2]

Hi d,

I agree with Sotto and Azzork above. I'm in a similar boat except probably farther down the D road at this point (looks like it will be a done deal by end of year or Xmas possibly).

So I know it's difficult because even aside from the emotional part there's the routine of planning holidays with someone else and you each have your roles and things you traditionally do. Especially hard for me because I love traditions.

And I still want to reconcile.

Just don't let that influence your decisions in a way that prevents you from detaching, etc. If you are kind, strong, and loving from a distance without being pursuing, needy, clingy then that still gives you your best shot.

I don't think her decision to reconcile or not will hinge on any single thing you do unless it's particularly negative.

[dday]

Thanks guys. I don't think I will go. I don't want to look uncaring, but I need to protect myself, and my 3 mini-me s as best I can. I have a tentative plan for s6 bday, with a hayride and weenie roast. It would be a mostly family thing... because I am sure his friends will go to W party.

I will make it memorable, especially since I can't do anything expensive this time. We still have fun though

[dday]

S8 has a late baseball tourney, for a team we haven't been on since July. So I am seeing people that I haven't seen in months. One mom was just telling me that she thought for sure we would be back together by now. Me too. Kinda bummed me out.

Heard an old rumor resurfacing this week too. With a new twist, that my W is having an affair, and we would all know more about it come spring. I don't believe it, but I decant stop it from affecting me somewhat either.

Yuck.

Now I am going to go pick up the younger 2 from W. Trying to be happy and confident when I go get them.

[mutatio]

Living with the cruelty they inflict is difficult to say the least. No words I type will ease that pain. Please remember we feel for you and are here when you need support.

All our spouses should dress as ghouls for Halloween.

[dday]

I am grateful today:

Saw some friends from S8 baseball team that I hadn't seen in a while. They are supportive too.

Have plans with my sister later.

W asked me to watch s4 while she does something at the school. It's the first favor she has asked of me in a while.


___________________________________

Still a bit bummed, same as last post. I want to talk to her about everything, but, I don't want to break the rule about r talk. I know it sets me back everytime that I do it. Emotionally for me, and negates any progress. I am not going to go to the Halloween thing. I am going to dinner with my sister instead. May as well ease into the holidays of not being a family now. No halloween, thanksgiving, birthday for s6, cutting down the tree, christmas, birthday for s4, s8.... and that is all by the middle of January.

It's going to be rough, to say the least.

More yuck.

[Fogg]

Dday
Yes, it will be rough but keep on the path to improving yourself without punishing her and who knows what will happen. Not implying skipping the Halloween event is punishing, but it can be depending on your motivations and reasoning to her. Just be careful how you respond if she asks about anything.

"You broke my heart and tore apart my family so I'm not spending time with you on holidays" is completely different than " sister invited me to dinner that night but have fun with the kids"

As for the need to talk to her. I can tell you I had the dame urges many many times and I was running out of time to say something since thr D seemed to be progressing. . Don't stress or push it too much now, those opperunities to talk about certain things will come up and it's better if it's later when your much stronger and are able to talk without being needy or reacting to her.

[dday]

Thanks fogg. It's good to hear others are going through the same things, and have conquered them.

My reason for not Going tonight is: we are seperated. I can't act the happy family if that is where we are. It leads me on, and the boys. Missing halloween is going to be a lot easier than missing a bday, so if it has to be this way, I would rather ease into it.

Should I explain it to W, or just say that I am going out with sister, since it is W weekend with boys. I don't want to appear to put someone over my kids, is why I ask