You are right on the dot...I do wake up at 4 AM. What is that about?
I can't say I'm eating when I'm irritable. Right now I'm basically eating just so I don't get headaches. But my choices are pretty healthy and they are made based on what requires the least preparation.
Yes photoka, vanilla is hitting on things that have not come up in counseling. I actually stopped going because I felt like all it was was me meandering and me complaining. I will look into a new person thoguh
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
The work that you are doing is a privilege and an honour to be part of.
I think you need some bloods done, consider blood sugar tests to eliminate hypoglycaemia. The overwhelming impression I get is a low level anxiety response, stiffness in the back but no throat response shows adrenal generalised anxiety I think. Usually there is a fear, and you describe a great deal of tension. The early morning waking is an early sign of transition to higher anxiety. You describe an obvious health issue, if it were me I would get it checked out.
An ACE score of 2 or 3 with high resilience is going to mean you push yourself because you believe you can cope, I sense from your story that this means like V, you take a great deal on, more than you should because your resilience is high. That I think explains the tiredness, just over burdening. your score is almost identical to mine, so I recognised the patterning.
Let us consider strategies you can use to help yourself, this high resilience will give you drive which means planning in down time deliberately and exercise to burn off the adrenalin. You are one of the high achieversin life., that's the good news! The stress it takes on your body is another.
I am going to address the issues of your tar and childhood in another post. The ACE score tells me you have been holding yourself back and I think the high criticism from childhood has created cognitive dissonance between your capability and others vision of your achievement. This may be a classic fear that of success. It puts you in an unfamiliar place vis your childhood. It's blocking.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
My boundaries are very poor!!! Especially when a person starts out being very nice to me or attentive torwards me. Then if they change how they treat me, or treat me disrespectfully I don't know how to confront (although with strangers I'm fine) and I end up questioning myself. For some reason I have always had trouble asking for things that I am actually entitled too.
I think you have identified the need for assertiveness training. With some good assertiveness training then you can direct the aggression towards a more direct and positive response. I would consider a short term course if you can. This will apply to several areas of your life. Any assertiveness course will give you the skills you need to soften your approach to your boundaries. I think you have boundaries just don't assert them. That's different issue to having no boundaries.
When I first started working in my field. I had a boss that was paying me a lower titles salary. I started as this boss's student and I had a lot of respect for him so I accepted it, but also I resented it, Eventually he paid me correct salary, but I never forgot this, and ended up quitting.
I think this illustrates the point.
( I only quit because I was afraid I would get fired, but found out this would never have happened, was only something i imagined). I allowed him to take advantage of me financially. I am guessing it's because deep down I have a low sense of self worth so yes, this does seem to be a pattern.
So do I, but actually it's an easy one to address, maybe a long standing pattern is well engrained so work to address it. A CBT based counsellor may be one solution, try googling CBT, I like the GET.gg website there are CBT resources on there for anxiety.
The roots don't suggest to me poor self worth, not with a high resiliency score, but a high coping tolerance before you assert. Asserting techniques and an early reaction when your boundaries are breached will help. I think you tolerate too much before you react and then you find it hard to assert, so instead you use the flight rather than anger response, this relieves anxiety. Reinforcing boundaries sooner in a more assertive way I think may help you. It may unblock anger.
I think you should consider assertiveness training.
i am angry, but I guess fearful as well.
This is the second time you have used the term fear, I think anxiety. The anger is actually blocked in you by anxiety. What would happen if I released the anger I feel because my boundaries are breached? It's anxiety because there is no cool calm assertiveness response in your toolkit. Only an angry, screaming banshee type one and your preference is to keep coping then flee rather than fight.
I don't know if it's abandonment, he already abandoned us and it's not the end of my world.
I am convinced it ant abandonment either, a high resiliency score shows you can cope very well. That of itself can make a partner in an R feel insignificant. A high score like this can mean you take on too much without sharing, just because you can cope, may not mean you should. With better assertiveness you may be able to encourage WH to take more share.
Maybe I'm afraid of change.
I am unsure it's this. We may need to dig further.
i really dread giving up time with children.
you can consider what is best for your children. Just because you dread it isn't an indicator it shouldnt be.
It is a heart sickening black colored fear and rage, because it's not fair.
Yes, this is shamed based choking of anger. Anger can be an enormous force for change if directed. When anger is black and sticky it tends to be its choked because we are ashamed on it. I think if you can assert the anger it will flow. I think it's anger that's choked not anxiety because it comes and goes and it's in your central core, not your throat, and it's not omnipresent like anxiety. This I think this goes back to childhood apology issues.
With some ideas, I accepted husbands way of thinking, but with certain topics I was not good at compromising with my husband and I was oblivious to his needs.
I am going to park this for later, as I haven't yet formed a view.
By the time I figured it out and started to make changes it seemed to be too late. I feel bad about this. We were so young when we met and my views of life and the world were immature. I am now less critical and more open minded to other opinions and ideas.
my sense is you always were, just haven't the tools in your toolkit to know how to disagree.
And yes, you are spot on. My parents are very generous and we were not abused in any way, but we were subjected to tons of critisism and judgement.
I think this is where the shame originates, your mum is critiquing that part of you that is actually acceptable. There is dissonance, mum says not acceptable and you 'know' it's ok and yet still defer to mum. It's a no win, shame if it's ok, and shame because who you are is acceptable and you haven't accepted it. a double bind.
My husband actually was shocked when he would observe how negative my parents were, and how they were all doom and gloom. ( he was and still is constantly praised for everything) My mother critiques everything and everyone and she has a lot of fears.
that's you mums issue to deal with. You can drop that bag, assertively if you wish!
Thank you vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/28/1510:41 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Your questions are helping me to explore things I never really thought too much about or related to my current situation. I hate to even discuss them because I know there are so many people that have had things so much worse then I did and I don't want to sound whiny and unappreciative torwards my family, but now I am seeing some correlations between my family and how I am and my marriage...
I think this internal work on Julie will have enormous effect on your personal growth. There will be great shift and this will happen very quickly.
I have a hard time using imagery to describe my feelings. I don't think I have ever thought of things in that way.
A new tool.
My rage and fear is not constant, but now comes frequently. When I close my eyes and focus on it I think it does feel heavy like tar. It does not flow. It seems to affect my heart, and perhaps my diaphragm . Maybe even posterior to my sternum, but not my throat. I am irritable, but not tired. I feel like I am running on anxiety and I always wake up early and In the middle of the night.
Yes, absolutely. It's blocked I think by shame.
As for my parents... My father usually defers to my mom. He is definatly more sensible, but he is not the warm affectionate type. He grew up in an abusive household and often exploded when he was under stress. He took it out on the kids, but was afraid of my mother.
That's your parents dynamic, you are comfortable with it. As with FOO issues, you will attempt to stay comfortable. To rework your childhood dynamic. Cure your R with mum. This is something a good IC can help with, to see how valid it is. Rather beyond my experience. IRL help needed to examine whether this is a factor for you.
Now I feel bad for him and I appreciate him a lot because I feel like my mother often put him down in front of us, and made fun of him and definatly disrespected him, but as a kid I didn't like him because he yelled a lot and was often in a bad mood and was not fun.
So his anger wasn't blocked!
He was always responsible and was always there for us and he helped us with everything. He did apologize to us when he was wrong. I think my mother pitted us against him for some reason.
You are now empathising with him. Could there be a sense you are your father's daughter, adapting some of his mechanisms?
My mother was always protective of us and extremely generous and fun. She is witty and imaginative and an artist and very eccentric. I get along with her and talk and go out with Her frequently, but I do not agree with a lot of the ways she raised us. She constantly nagged and complained about everything. It always had to be her way and she relied on spite and passive aggressive behavior to get her way. (She went 2 years without talking to a very close brother over a fight involving something so minor. She is proud of this too). She has to win at all costs. Even at the expense of her kids. She would tell us things, she shouldn't have told us so that we would not like the people that she did not like. I think she just never had anything positive or nice to say period. She is very opinionated and immature and was never affectionate.
Similar to H?
She was very withholding when she was angry at me. I remember getting into fights with her as a kid, and having to write apology letters to her so she would talk to me again. She was big on making sure there were consequences for our actions.
Yes, you may have apologised for things that were perfectly ok. This I think is worth exploring as the origin of the shame which chokes your anger. Anger was clearly frowned on in your childhood home. Learning assertiveness and deciding when someone has a view that you don't agree with that you can decide arguing isn't worth it. So you can use the techniques of validation and fogging.
I also recognize something in her similar to my husband...
hmmmmmm......
When she went back to work, she really was unwise in how she prioritized her obligations. She would spend hours creating perfect worksheets but neglected a lot regarding me and my siblings. She gave herself tons of extra work to do because of pride and perfectionism (it didn't raise her pay scale or benefit her or anyone in anyway) and my Husband does the same (without raises or compensation)
Classic fear of failure using procrastination and perfectionism? Did there issues make you believe you should be perfect to match their needs? Are you working to achieve their view or your own?
Vanilla, thinking about these issues is making me focus a lot less on my husband. I have felt less consumed and less focused on him the past few days.
That is the idea of DB, work on you! You are aware it's ok not to be perfect. For my part I would rather see you shift as realisations come, please don't see my views as 100% that isn't the idea as they most likely are thinking objectives. I wish the very best for you and your future.
-----------------------------------------
Iit is my intention to set you thinking and reviewing, create shift and release that tar! I would not want to create yet another sets of hurdles for perfection.
Just my thoughts and observations, hope they are useful.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
These observations are very useful and I will review and analyze more. I am amazed at your accuracy. Once written, your thoughts make complete sense but I was unable to reflect upon myself in that way. They contain more depth and perception then I was capable of.
You have given me much to think about. A true gift.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to think and reflect about me...a complete stranger on the internet. This very selfless gift of your intellect and insight is very overwhelming to me and again I cannot thank you enough. I have never received attention or a gift Iike this before. I am amazed and greatful that there are people like you in this world.
Julie
Last edited by JulieH; 10/28/1503:06 PM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Isn't V amazing? I keep saying it but I truly believe V should become a counselor, her insight and guidance is amazing. Julie, I hope you are doing well! It usually takes me a few days and several re-reads to absorb V's guidance.
Photoka, Yes I'm doing well. I need some time to reread, absorb, and try to find some outside help. My eyes are open to some new things. I will respond once i reflect.
Went out with husband and some members of his family with kids today. I had been dreading seeing him, but had to do it because it involved kids. Turned out, it wasn't so bad because spending time with him and his family (who want us back together) makes it hard to vilify them. We all just focused on kids and things went well. I was in a bit of a quiet mood but pleasant enough.
Trying to mentally keep focus away from him and his thoughts and onto my own. I'm realizing that if he comes back, it has to be because he made that choice and nothing I do or say or wear is going to make a difference. Obviously, there are things I can do that will devalue me, but I am trying to get away from that. My challenge is not being ruled by my emotions of the moment and like Zues said, "staying cool".
I don't know if it's depression, or that time of month, or what but I am just caring less and less. The less I see him the less I want to see him. Today I just quite frankly did not care. Maybe I will start to see him as he sees me, and then no one left to fight for marriage.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
It's a state, now you know you can chose to be in that state.
Here is how to do it:
Examine your body as if travelling on the inside, how do you feel? How is the tar? If any of it is still there, imagine wrapping it up like a ball of rubber bands. Then make it smaller and smaller until it is so small your white blood cells can dissolve it. It is released. Now for the external also.
Examine your stance, how are you holding your head, your arms. Then practice the half smile technique. Sit calmly in your body and gently hold your head on your shoulders, smile a little and breathe deeply. Think of something really calm, an ocean, a babbling mountain stream or a flower opening. Absorb yourself in the image.
Remember how you feel today at this moment detached and half smile again.
You asked about the 4am issue and I can't track that I answered clearly, that's when Serotonin drops the most, if you are anxious it will drop and wake you. A sign that the stress is creeping back. With detachment sleep will be better.
Watch change upon change come into your life, shift and release. There is no going back.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/29/1501:42 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
