Ok is, this is a nit-pick, If you are moving forward with your life, you don't have ^^^^ as a motivation at all. Her feeling of how you are spending your time is not relevant.
Here is the thing...you are a grown man and want to do things that you want to do...she can either accept that or not, her feeling a don't play a factor in your motivation... Does that make sense???
This is what the comments - "these changes are for you" really means.
The salsa I feel good about as it is for me and not just to get a reaction. If/when I get to intermediate level I can do it at any club in the country - on my business trips etc.
Good sleep makes a big difference to how I 'feel' the next day. Less anxiety today.
Today I am going to a small local castle with the kids for a halloween afternoon. Then running with running club. Then I make myself busy packing for another business trip tomorrow.
Early flight at 8am.
If my GAL schedule works
Monday salsa Tuesday salsa Wed - running Friday - social? Sat morning - cycling or gym Sun mornibg - cycling or gym
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
W told me two days ago when I confronted her and asked outright if she was having an EA/PA, that her texts and phone calls were to a guy called XXX . He is known in our circles and has a D in our S8 school . He has a long term partner for 15 years and is Bi-polar.
He is a really nice guy with a heart of gold and is known for this amongst the local community. He is chatty and funny to talk to.
He has become in W's words 'one of her best friends' over the last 6 months. I remember a few months ago her mentioning she was meeting him for coffee but thought nothing more of it.
W is flirty with other men and is in her words ' flirty by nature' and in the past has wished I was more flirty.
Two days ago I said her friendship with him could continue and she has continued to text and have phone convos with him - but in my presence. I said I would prefer she didnt hide it away.
She hasn't mentioned our martial problems to him.
I think since BD she has called and texted him more as a 'neutral' escape from the pressure at home. Im not stupid and know it is a defacto EA - whether she confides in him or not. SHe is using him emotionally (flirting. laughing etc).
I doubt it would ever lead to a PA - its a bit like having a 'gay' boyfriend as an EA.
Two days ago we agreed that neither of us would seek a PA and I gave her 'permission' to still speak to this guy and it didnt seem inappropriate. The length and extent of there EA has shocked me a little, but considering her distancing over the last 6 months its no real surprise.
There is no point in telling her to end it as it will just drive it underground.
Last edited by isittoolate; 10/28/1505:36 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Read your last post again to yourself, and then ask yourself the question, really?
She's texting/talking secretly. She's admitted to being flirty etc., he's her best friend (that's what being H is about) and now she's asking for permission for this to continue?
Time to wake up bud or you're going to be taken for a ride.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
^^^^^^Um yeah. Permission? You gave her permission? There might be nothing you can do, but giving her permission? Honestly dude. Now, maybe there's something, maybe there's not, but permission. I can see ignoring it maybe, trying to get as much intel as possible (you go to martial arts practice yet?), but permission? The flirty by nature thing is also totally unacceptable, and you need to call her on it if she mentions it again. It is not acceptable to be flirty when you're married. My w did it all the time. Helps throw H of the scent too casting such a wide net.
Ok I did not use the word permission but I said she could still contact him or vice versa. She was openly calling him this evening as I had said it was ok and not to hide it away. She was doing as I suggested. She also said she had told him that their friendship was ok with me. I know ...it sound terrible when on paper.
Remember he has a mental disability, has a bowel condition and is overweight and quite err 'ugly' . Some people make him out to be the village idiot but she has a heart of gold and reaches out to people like that.
She says he is just a friend. I know! I know! It's dangerous and develops etc etc .
I think it is inappropriate and if I'd known say 3 months ago I would have said so.
But now after the BD I don't have much leverage. She isn't flirty with other men in my company but I think she has always been flirty when I am not around.
What do I do. I want to say it's not acceptable and its inappropriate. But I have no leverage. I can only ignore it and not let it eat me up.
He does odd building jobs and labouring and I thought of inviting him to do a job at the house or I can introduce myself next time I see him at school.
Last edited by isittoolate; 10/28/1506:42 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
If my R was good I wouldn't be worried about her R with this guy.but equally She wouldn't be texting, phoning him as often as she would be ringing me instead etc.
In fact tonight she rang him from the car on her way home. In the past she would ring me
But as our R is screwed, she is reaching out to him more ....so I get worried about etc etc..
Do I need to set a boundary? If so what? Boundaries have to be enforceable don't they?
Another example of her heart of gold is another male friend who lives in Dubai. She knew his mother for a long time and the two sons one married and one in Dubai. The mother died from cancer but she continued to contact this guy in Dubai even though he is a dork out of respect for the mother. He is having a 50th this weekend and she is going to the party.
Last edited by isittoolate; 10/28/1507:04 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I think the boundary would've been to say that it's not acceptable for your wife to be flirty with others. That you feel it's disrespectful and innapropriate. But that ship sailed for the time being. There will be a next time. As for friend-stay on guard. My w hid her om as a guy in her contacts. This om she would also develop an inappropriate r with. Here's what they do, and most do it that I've seen. They cast a wide net and reel in what they can. Their behavior is so inappropriate you just accept it a them being quirky. But it's not. It's fd up. It's disrespectful. Here's the "good" news. She thinks she's got so much power now, she'll eventually screw up and everything will come out.
I think you're blind to the dangers here. You call him 'ugly', 'village idiot' etc., but then say he has a 'heart of gold'. Who says your W isn't attracted to that heart? Also, with what you say about your W and her sexual appetite, hey may have the pecker the size of a horse.
Careful, just because you don't see it, your W might. We're all behind you on this one, but wake up to the dangers and stop helping her on the way.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
