Re: LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (3)

[gs9]

Thank you Sandi,

Is she the type who has a difficult time forgiving, or is it b/c of this particular issue?

She is the type of person who has a hard time forgiving. She doesn't really understand what it means. She will claim to forgive but she never let's it go. She has a list of about 25-30 things she will bring up on a regular basis that she holds against me. Some of these are actual things I have done that hurt her, some I did before I met her and some never even happened. They are times she rewrites history and creates a different reality. It's really difficult to deal with.

You did not have an A nor a ONS. It was sexual misconduct

Agreed. She claims I committed adultery and therefore she has the biblical right to divorce. At first I argued that I did not commit adultery. Adultery is fornication and I did not do that but I realized arguing this led to her fury. Now I try to validate her feelings with out agreeing w her.

I am not saying drunkenness is an excuse

absolutely not. no excuse for what I've done.

For her to have 2 or 3 affairs out of spite for you kissing a woman's boobs......seems rather exaggerated.

Agreed. She is a vengeful person with a lot of anger issues. She was abused as a child and our MC said this anger is a defensive mechanism that needs professional help to deal with.

Some people simply cannot move past the hurt, and need professional (and maybe spiritual) guidance to help them. When I see continued punitive behavior, it causes me to think that person is not ready, or doesn't want to forgive. She wants to hurt you as much as she feels she's been hurt. Until she can find it in her heart to forgive.....

We were in MC until she started her A. She has also been seeing her own IC. she told me the other night that the thing they talk about is getting over my unfaithfulness and why she struggles with it.
Our MC said she has to be willing to forgive and willing to move on and she just is not willing to move on from anything.

However, I made sure I did nothing intentionally to cause him to wonder about me.

I too did all these things. I began by reading several books such as worthy of her trust, winning your wife back before it's too late, resolution of a man....etc...over the last 15 months I have read 16 books on marriage, building trust, divorce, affairs, recovering from infidelity, helping your spouse heal etc.....I've put in work and am willing to keep working hard.

If you are being the best man you can be, what more can you do?

I can always be better but I am being the best man, father and husband I can be. I learn something new everyday and will continue to