HD WAW now LD

[DBrookie]

After reading some more of your replies, it seems to me that a large part of your sexual problems stemmed from the fact that you did not initiate. Am I on the mark with this?

That is correct. In the beginning, she did all the initiation, and then stopped. I think I thought I wasn't getting the job done (dumb) or that it was some kind of bait and switch. When I did initiate I never felt like it was acknowledged by her, and so I felt caught either way.

What ways do you feel comfortable initiating?
What ways are too intimidating or feel unnatural to you?
What can you do instead of these?

After having time apart, time seeing my own C and a sex therapist I think I have a greater understanding of my sexuality than ever before. There was a long time when I felt sexually intimidated by my W because she had more Ps and actually helped teach a sex class in college. Talk about pressure...but it was all in my head.

Now that I've unscrewed my head I feel free to have fantasies about her, I've made a long list of things to do and places to do it, and I'm not really uncomfortable anymore about anywhere/anytime. I guess in some ways I had to catch up to her level. And I feel like I've finally done that.

To an HD person, feeling desire is paramount. Having a partner who is "willing" sucks. Having someone approach you because they are turned on by you is priceless!!

That's very true and something that I've learned. I would say that I now have desire once again and I'm not just a piece of meat. There were times when I was intimate with her and she'd just say, literally, just put it in me and let's go. There are times for a quickie, and I'm game for that, but there were times when I actually wanted to make it more than just going through the motions.

The reason (imo) that she is still signed up on the online dating sites is that she needs to prove to herself that she is desirable. She has convinced herself of all these awful things because of your behavior towards her--that she is not sexy or desirable or feminine, etc.

I agree 100% here. She has admitted to me that she has always liked to be the center of attention. That when she goes out dancing or with friends, even when I was with her, that she liked it when people paid attention to her, because that made her feel good about herself. I usually just got jealous because she wasn't flirting with me or something. Now I understand that she needs that and it doesn't hurt me or have anything to do with her love for me.

You can turn this around by giving her smaller versions of the things she was looking for while you were married.

I'm working on that a little bit each day or time that we are together. I've learned when I'm pushing things a bit, but I think she's beginning to learn that I'm not just pretending.

She told me the other day that she cannot be in a relationship where sex is non-existant. Right now she is making that happen, but it's because of things we both did in the past. I realize she's hurt, but I also realize that was a reminder that she still thinks this change might not last. But I'll keep working on my end because it's what I want, not what I'm thinking she wants.