Blugirl...I was in your situation a few years back. First of all, I would like to offer you this hope: no matter how awful you feel right now...no matter how much it feels like you will never get over this and be happy again... You will. When my H's affair came out, I felt like my life had been destroyed by a nuclear blast. The pain and grief was overwhelming. I felt like I was walking around in a daze...observing everything in my life, but not an active participant in it. I was triggered by the tiniest little things. Not only was my future permanently altered, but so was my past. I couldn't even look at our family pictures without imagining all the things I didn't know that had been going on at the same time. I felt like my entire life had been a lie. But it gets better. It's not a short road, and definitely not an easy one. But, with time and distance from the situation, healing will come. I promise.
That being said, if I could offer one bit of advice, it would be this: if you want your marriage to survive, you have to learn to let go of the A and forgive your H. This is a lesson I learned just a little bit too late, and why I am now in the process of a D. H and I married young, were very much in love, but were still kids who made a lot of mistakes out of youth and inexperience. We hurt each other. H dealt with it by seeking validation and approval from OW after he stopped getting it from me. After the A came out, he was wrecked with guilt over what he'd done, and the hurt he put me through. He could barely talk about the A, but I demanded constant reassurance and explanations of why, and guarantees of how I could believe it would never happen again. The more I demanded, the more he withdrew. The more he withdrew, the angrier I got that he did this to us, but seemed like he was leaving me alone to deal with the pain. We fought more and more. The fights got nastier, and eventually, he moved out.
I justified to myself that it was his job to listen to me...to reassure me...to do anything I needed...because "it was his fault." And to his credit, he really tried. But we are only human and everyone has their limits. I pushed my H too far. Your H should be supportive of you, but you really have to work on yourself first and foremost. It stinks, and if life were fair it wouldn't be that way... But this isn't about fairness...it's about saving your relationship with the person you love. Get IC if you need it. Lean on trusted family or friends.
I don't in any way mean to justify your H's actions. What he did was wrong and there are no excuses for making that choice. But unless someone is just a horrible human being, most people do not have affairs simply because they want to hurt their partners. There are usually reasons why people are vulnerable. This might be controversial to say, but I think you both need compassion and understanding for each other. And maybe that compassion and understanding can be a basis for healing to begin.
