in house seperation (3)

[otw]

Catching up a bit. I know with the emails you are trying to set a boundary but seems harsh. You don't have to respond until you want to. That actually may be more than trying to control her actions.
I think a boundary should be more of things that you would let no one do to you.

How should you act with her? Who knows but I do know I acted as I could care less with more women than I could count and it worked on all of them. It I was always nice and would do anything I could for them. I just didn't chase. Crazy. Not what I did after BD!

[vise82]

Hey OTW,

About the boundaries, that is a good measure, things that I would not let anyone do to me.

It does seem controlling. I think I will just not mention it again to her and just respond when I want. If I take a while to respond, I could just say that I was busy at work I know your emails are important but I am trying to balance getting work done and responding to your emails.

You mention you acted like you could careless with women. This is how I am acting right now I think.

This is how I acted when we were dating, we had a great summer romance then she left for university and I backed off, gave her space let her do what ever she wanted, because I wanted the space and I couldn't shake her off of me. I would tell her to go out don't say in. have fun with your friends. and it brought her closer to me. I was letting her go, giving her all the freedom she wanted. I was testing her and myself at that point. To see if after all that we were still together then maybe there was something more in the relationship.

Seems like We are at that point again, though before we were just dating and didn't have a label on our relationship.

A lot more complicated now, but the theme is the same, let her go, give her space, test the relationships bending strength, see if we are meant to be together.

Maybe I am over simplifying it.

[sandi2]

I think a lot of nice guys have trouble finding balance in some of these things. For instance, when he tries to detach, he feels he has to be cold. When he tries to have boundaries, it is more like controlling action instead of self-respect and/or protection.

You told her not to email you at work. When it was suggested how to respond when she did email.........you just did what your W said to do. Therefore, not following your own boundary (?) or the advice given. So, I see a nice guy who is struggling finding the middle, and he's jumping from one extreme to the other.

You can't control what she does. All you can do is control how you respond to what she does.

Don't give up. It takes time to find your way. You can do this!

[otw]

Sandi hit it on the head. I felt i was being very cold. I didnt like it at all. then something clicked one day and things felt very different. I could be myself around her again. know why? Because i realized what i did wasnt going to change her. i stopped worrying about that and worried about what i was doing and was it right or wrong that is it. If she didnt like it or if she did, didnt matter. I know i was doing the correct thing at any instance.

[isittoolate]

I felt i was being very cold..... then something clicked one day and things felt very different. I could be myself around her again. know why? Because i realized what i did wasnt going to change her. i stopped worrying about that and worried about what i was doing and was it right or wrong that is it. If she didnt like it or if she did, didnt matter. I know i was doing the correct thing at any instance.

Felt the same last night and today. Last night by changing the evening dynamic and not sitting with her to watch TV. And then today by telling her I'm going out from 7-8:30.

And telling her I'm going out on MOn and Tues evening for the next few weeks

[OhGreat]

The coldness, I think, is just inexperience and lack of practice. It's like diving off a cliff. You go, watch a bunch of people gracefully leap from a cliff, magnificently flip around and land flawlessly. You go up, look over, get scared, run, stop, go back, try again, and just finally jump. No grace, no finesse. That comes after you've done it 1000 times. Practice. I've gotten better at some things, still really poor at other things, but practice. Don't only direct this towards your W btw-this is invaluable training you're getting. At the mall, the gym, office-be who you always wanted to be-be strong, set boundaries. You're doing good man.

Also, boundaries don't have to be grand gestures. Other than (just) email, maybe setting being respectful in public, at home, in front of kids etc as a boundary? Tjose little interactions have a greaat impact on many many things.

[vise82]

Hey,

last night I picked up my kids from school, played outside the house with them, W came home. She was outside with us. I was talking about the kids school with her then mid conversation the neighbor comes out to his car to go work out, W says Hi to him doesn't even excuse herself, and goes to talk to him before he could leave. Its like I want even there.

I ask about dinner, she start into me how I should have had something cooking already when the kids got home, she is in a bad mood.

She gives me a list of bill that I need to pay my half of(56%). I check it over and find that a $400 bill has yet to be paid from last check I gave her, she also took out $400 at a ATM. So I ask about it and she answers some thing like the check shows in the account but the money is not there till the check clears.

So I say I am not writing another check till the bill are paid from the last list.

All I get was spew spew angry, this is how she has done it for 10 years then I go and take my money away from the family. I mention that I only did it because of the CC that was maxed out this summer. She still thinks that she can not pay a bill if there is something else she would rather spend the money on.

So it looks like she took her money out and will give me a list for bills to pay my share and she will do the same.

I said I am protecting myself, I want more transparency and I don't want cc used to pay bills. She says with me asking all these questions that I am accusing her of stealing and that I don't trust her. I validate her, I am not accusing her of stealing but I wont know where money is going if I don't ask.

She wants me to start asking in a different way because it sounds like I am accusing her of it.

I agreed to that and said I am still going to have to ask about bill that is not going to stop.

She wants us to be able to talk like normal people and wants to discuss the separation agreement. I still said that if she wants separation she can do the work. Tell me what you want then I will look it over.

She doesn't want to do that.

Then we got into the night she left, she said she wouldn't change anything and that she didn't threaten me about calling the police she was just stating a fact that if she did call the police they would side with her.

There was more said then I left for work.

Then she texts me saying sorry your late for work I honestly didn't know what time it was.

[vise82]

Thank you for the input everyone.

Yes I am at two extremes. W has noticed the two sides of extremes and she is telling people that I am loosing my mind. I talked about that with her this morning saying that I am not losing my mind and to stop saying that about me.

I went from I don't know what to do with out her to ignoring her completely like she didn't exist. This is fed off what she says, doesn't want me to be her H.

Someone said that she should be treated like a neighbor. I get that, Say hello, say good bye, a little something about the weather, then on my way.

I have been saying nothing, walking by and ignoring, on my way away from her.

She texted me again today, something about my kids event was cancelled, again not an emergency. So I texted back following the advice on here:

I got your texts. I am busy at work. I can answer your texts when I am at home and I have more time to focus and to give them the consideration they need.

[vise82]

Hey

So about half an hour after I arrived home I replied to her texts, I accepted her apology for getting me late, and said I would pass on the info to my S about the cancelled event. I also said that tonight would be a good time to carve the kids pumpkins.

She replied Ok sounds good.

I picked up the kids and came home, W was in a good mood, She cooked dinner and I had the kids carving pumpkins, they turned out great, W took pictures and sent them to a bunch of people, Then I put the kids to bed and then went to the basement to watch a movie while W was upstairs.

In the morning S was in the MBR looking for my W so she called out to him from the spare bed room, I guess its the first time the kids noticed she is sleeping there now.

W was up after me, we talked logistics of the kids and then I said good bye and left for work.

OK this is the tough part, I am being warmer to her. she is mirroring the same to me. but I give and inch and my heart wants to take a mile. This is why its easier to be cold to her,, that way feelings don't grow and thoughts don't get ahead of the situation.

This has happened to me already I mistake W being nice as her wanting R but only forcing her to be more distant so I don't get the wrong idea of where she is at.

I think If I stick with "treat her like a neighbor" I should be fine.

[vise82]

hey,

Yester day I money issues. I checked my balance and I was 85$ short of the check I wrote for my share of the bills. So I am finding out that money is very tight with all the bills. I had to borrow money from my kids fund to prevent a check from bouncing. I didn't tell the W. I told her that I had to move money some money around because I have none in my account. She was understanding and said she will deposit money from her account into the joint account. I didn't argue about the situation because she will be in the same boat as we get paid on opposite weeks. But I am going to have to ask her/us to cut back on something. So I think we can do better with the electric bills. I mentioned Selling the car before to save money. I think I will wait till she comes to me with money problems before I say anything.


It was a good interaction with normal talking, and even a solution to the problem(her depositing more money).

It was hard to not say something because she just got her hair colored and cut for $100. but its her money so I kept my mouth shut. I didn't give her a compliment on how good her hair looked. I said oh you got It shorter, but just short of a compliment. I wanted to but the words just couldn't come out of my mouth. I feel like I missed an opportunity. Just out of practice. This is more of the same from me in the MR. Just worried I will look needy.