Hi DB, After reading some more of your replies, it seems to me that a large part of your sexual problems stemmed from the fact that you did not initiate. That you waited for your wife to initiate and when she got tired of that, the sex dwindled down to nothing. Am I on the mark with this?
The reason I am asking this is to help you figure out what you are going to do to remedy this in the future for WHEN you get her back. Because I really fear that if this issue is not resolved, you will be right back where you are now. I think that, even if she were to become comfortable with your new libido, she will never again agree to be the sole initiator. She fought that tooth and nail with her ugly attitude and either she did not tell you what the problem REALLY was (she was the sole initiator) or you had become confused because the message was so negative that all you heard was anger.
What ways do you feel comfortable initiating? What ways are too intimidating or feel unnatural to you? What can you do instead of these?
To an HD person, feeling desire is paramount. Having a partner who is "willing" sucks. Having someone approach you because they are turned on by you is priceless!! So you wanting sex more than you did previously is simply not enough for her. She has to believe that you want sex frequently and that you will initiate AT LEAST 50% of the time. And show her that you desire her.
The reason (imo) that she is still signed up on the online dating sites is that she needs to prove to herself that she is desirable. She has convinced herself of all these awful things because of your behavior towards her--that she is not sexy or desirable or feminine, etc. She needs affirmation from outside sources that she is not these things before she can begin to heal. (for the record, I don't think she needs this but she does and that is who you are married to) She can't take your word for it because your word has proved unreliable to her in the past.
You can turn this around by giving her smaller versions of the things she was looking for while you were married. How would she react if you sent her an email telling her how sexy she looked last time you saw her? Or relate a sexy dream you had. Anything to show her that you are not afraid to mention sex to her and that you find her irresistable. Think of the types of things that you used to do while dating and do those. You might think, "I've been doing those things already with no results!" but you must wear her down. Consistent behavior is what she is looking for from you. When she doesn't see any glimpses of the "old" DB then she will relax and begin to let you back into her heart and body.
