I don't think it's the apology I am really seeking. It's like this quest to find out she isn't some horrible person. That it isn't something she would do out of maliciousness. And to me, being sorry for what she has done isn't about apologizing to ME. It's more about her being the kind of person who knows what she did is wrong. That she isn't an uncaring ass like my ex who doesn't care who she hurts to get what she wants. I already accepted that's who my ex is. I hope she is the better half, honestly.
Because I've been trying to rationalize all these years those reasons. "The marriage is over" well, no one's marriage is over while their wife is pregnant with their baby they conceived the way we did. I couldn't believe that as much as I wanted. She knows I didn't get pregnant to trap him, as we couldn't get pregnant with out the most sophisticated medical technology. I mean, I desperately to rationalize for her just to make her into a decent human being. Because it is a decent human being I want in my daughter's life.
I may just have to live without it, you are right. I just wish she would kind of woman-up and come to me. maybe we could have not just a civil relationship, but a good one.
