I agree and we can all feel it sometimes the void inside
somehow we know…we can't fill it with destruction Most have some awareness of their lives Maybe we seek healthier ways to fill our lives.. God, hobbies, helping, working
MLCers can't see that they seek fun, play, no responsibility, drugs alcohol spending, girls, cars, clothes instead of grieving the lost childhood and and teen years , they relive it
maybe its sanity vs insanity
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks for dropping in guys. I'm glad you found that quote helpful. Hungry ghost - interesting...I'll google that too.
Thanks Pink - yes it would be good to see more WAS's on here. I guess most just aren't in a place to post here. Many feel they have found a new love and moved on etc. It often isn't until much further down the line that the former marriage can start to look more appealing again for some.
I had a busy day at work, and then I met up with SS and his Mum for some dinner afterwards. Hadn't seen them for a couple of months and TBH I always have mixed feelings about it. Glad to be in touch with them, but it's also tough as it brings me closer to what's going on with H too. I try and tread a line between not asking about Dad and not asking Qs which might be uncomfortable.
SS's Mum did say that he has only seen his dad for 3 overnighters in the whole of this last 8 weeks. That's such a change from before BD when he spent two nights every weekend with us.
I do feel sad for him that his M&D split up when he was very young and we've also had a break up with an OP in the mix in his early teens. Plus, he sees much less of his Dad now. He said that Xmas will be a chance to have some bonding time with his Dad as he doesn't get much now. He seems to be doing okay, but gosh it must impact him, his changed R with his Dad, his view of Rs, M and how unstable they can be...etc...
Anyway - we had a nice time, but I did feel sad afterwards and cried a little once they had gone....take care all xx
Last edited by Sotto; 10/26/1509:23 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
It's really hard when the pain we feel is the one that was injected in a child's life.
I know exactly the feeling and how much it hurts because we can't change anything about it. We can't lesser the wounds in the heart of a child.
Well, it's amazing that he still wants to have bonding time with his dad. One thing is for sure. As time goes by the distance gets bigger and bigger and one day your WH will look at all this with so much regret.
There are infinite number of stories of people that regret a lot when it is then too late to cry the milk spilled.
This is indeed a very particular time in your life. As much as you want things to just be normal as usual, they are not. This will get better, you will feel a lot easy once the whole D ordeal is done.
We come here and don't want to D, but at some point when we are walking on that path, then we want it done so we can start over and not be so suspended in the air anymore.
It's also somehow good that life will start being a little more real for your WH. Some people need to go through whatever they plant in their mind, and it is only on the other side that they will see it better.
Your WH was busy trying to move on, now he is busy doing his D, then once he is all done, loneliness start settling in.
I am happy you cried a little, it's better out then in.
*** Did you see that V is planning to meet RD? If this works, then we will sure plan something on that line.
Take care beautiful. By the way, what is the perfume, I need to get some for myself.
Hi Sotto, I'm sorry you are in this place right now. Hang in there. I think the children who grow up to be most negatively impacted are the ones who don't have anyone caring about them. As hard as it is for you to stay connected, I hope you can do so. I think it will be a great benefit to SS to realize that while a marriage may not have lasted, his relationship w you is still intact. You're such a great person, Sotto ... you have much to offer SS and the rest of the world. Honor your feelings, grieve, vent, do whatever you can to feel it and move it out of your body ... we are all here for you xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks guys for the votes of support - it's really appreciated. Still on the SS theme, I have a bit of a dilemma which I'm thinking about. There's a bit of history to this one in that when H & I were together, HXW often seemed to panic over holiday periods (Xmas in particular) and want to spend v. limited time with SS.
This Xmas, she told me that H will be with SS for a few days and the rest of the time with her. She said he's old enough to take the train himself now and can come and see me alone. I don't have a problem with that. TBH, I'd panic a little about what to do with him, but I'd come up with a plan. Thing is, she was pressing further than this and saying he could come for overnight stays with me & it would be good for he & I to have minibreaks together.
TBH, whilst it's great to keep in touch with him (them) that's more than I would want to do. I'm happy to visit, go out for lunch, to a movie - but I don't really want a minibreak (does that sound awful?) And I feel she hopes I will take some of the 'burden' of care during holiday periods. Although this may be mindreading.
Anyway, I made generally positive noises about it would be great to hook up with him over Xmas - but I guess I want to put some parameters on that. I don't want to be unreasonable, because I do want to still be in touch. But I have started to feel that her being so keen for us to be in touch has a bit of an agenda now....any comments welcome. Am I being a bit oversensitive here??
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I do understand where you are coming from about the over night stays, etc. She sounds like she's pushing just a wee bit to have some freedom during the holidays. She probably hasn't taken into consideration that you may be making plans of your own for the holidays, i.e., which include friends and family visits and you being away yourself a bit.
You will need to clear this up very soon, as the holidays are fast approaching. You don't want your SS to get his hopes up, i.e., his mother telling him that he's coming to stay w/you a few days during the holidays. It's okay to visit or go out for lunch, etc., but you shouldn't be put in a position of having him over night unless you want to do that.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It's just one of those time that I say: "Really? It's not happening!!!" What is wrong with this lady.
As much as she trust you and developed a good friendship, how can she just start thinking that SS will spend some time with you during the holidays?
TBH, this kid is better off without any parent at all. His dad is a jerk that is more worry about himself then with his kid, his mom wants to dump him somewhere for the holidays because her agenda is more important. What is wrong with these people?
You are totally right thinking the way you are thinking. Staying in touch with a XH child is one thing, being responsible for him during holidays and involving him into your life is another.
If this was a kid that the mom passed away and he was left only with his crazy dad, then would be encouraging to just adopt the idea of having him as your own kid. But he has a mother, and she is not giving him up, she is just taking him out of her way when it is convenient.
And that's why there are so many broken Rs, people are being raised by Psychopaths. Later in life that is the big white elephant in their lives.
I know you care dearly for SS, and it is sure another wound in your heart, but to get further involved into this mess is just a non brainer. Although it's hard to come to a decision on the holidays issues, it is also avoiding some responsibility that is not yours and any trouble that may arise from it.
You are wise Sotto, and if you felt HXW is pushing some agenda, then go with your instincts, do what is right by you and for you.
Thanks Job and Pink. I really appreciate the comments and I will deal with it asap. I certainly don't want SS to feel unwanted or let down. I think the boundary issue for me is that I wouldn't want to take overnight responsibility for him. I don't think I ever did that - even when me and H were together and I worry about how much that could grow. So, I'm happy to arrange a day out with him, meet up or whatever, and for he & his Mum to stay over (which they've done before) - but I wouldn't want to take responsibility for him overnight.
I think that then limits things in a way I'm comfortable with. I can go back to his Mum & say that funnily enough, we've been looking at Xmas dates at work (we truly have) & I now know what I'll be working.
Do you think I should just then suggest - say - the 29th Dec & say it would be lovely to spend that day with him? She may come back & say why not have him overnight - in which case I'd need to say that a day visit would be lovely, but I wouldn't want to take responsibility for him overnight. Does that sound okay or could I phrase it better?
Last edited by Sotto; 10/28/1504:36 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
