Re: LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (3)

[gs9]

Amel
I'm really new at this so not the right person to give advice. You'll want to start your own thread so others can answer your questions.

[gs9]

W sent text this morning telling me she is meeting with a lady from our church who has been reaching out to her. The lady has made it clear she is only interested in helping to save our M. W reached out to her and asked to meet.

I think this is moving in the right direction but not getting too excited about it. We'll see how everything plays out with our "talk" tonight.

[Thornton]

Interesting development...

Just make sure you are cool and collected before going into the meeting with W.

[Zephyr]

Deep Breath G!!!

We are all hoping for you!
You need to have a clear head without any expectations of what is going to happen with this talk.

Remember this, you listen with your ears. You validate her perspective. Do not allow yourself to be disrespected and you had better be respectful yourself. There is no better way to push her away right now than to be self-righteous.

Be humble, be compassionate, be strong and did I mention listen!!!

You can do this!

[Thornton]

^^^ that's excellent advice, Zephyr.

GS, if W says she wants to reconcile, you might start to feel angry. All the pain, and worry you've been working through might start to bubble to the surface.

Be aware of it and do not act on it. There will be a time/place to discuss your hurts etc but now is not the time.

[sandi2]

I could understand how confusing this must sound. You never said what happened, only that you were unfaithful. Since there has been unfaithfulness from both partners in the M, then you may have a harder thinner line that some H's have. And, btw, you may need to remind some of us (especially me) that both of you have cheated......and that she's been in more than one affair.

I do feel I am not being the man only a fool would leave by being out to the wee hours of the morning on work nights, agree?

I agree, however, I am slow to agree, due to how I've seen LBH'S bounce from what you've been doing into trying to be some kind of super husband. And of course, he over-kills and gets the total opposite results from what he was wanting. You have to find balance.

I would agree that staying out gambling all night is not the brightest idea I've heard. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that was your answer to her sleeping in the MBR, b/c you didn't know what else to do without it appearing she backed you down into the basement.

Gal doesn't mean you are to go wild. Just b/c you aren't checking in with her and giving an account of your whereabouts, etc., doesn't mean you shouldn't behave like a responsible adult. You can go out without giving her an itinerary of the evening, but does that mean you should see what a bad boy you can be? Should you go bar hopping, get into fist-fights, pick-up women, or whatever? Not saying you did any of that, but you don't have to, in order to have a good time. Always remember, you are somebody's son, somebody's H, and somebody's daddy.

[gs9]

listen, listen, listen......validate, validate, validate......show respect and be respected......clear, cool, calm

The anger and hurt are definitely there and there will be an appropriate time to express it. I know now is not that time. she would not accept it and it would push her away. She is still hurting and has yet to forgive or move past when I broke her trust over a year ago. It's been a long road and we're not even close to the end of it yet. Lots of work to do yet.

Thanks for all the support and reminders.

[gs9]

I could understand how confusing this must sound. You never said what happened, only that you were unfaithful. Since there has been unfaithfulness from both partners in the M, then you may have a harder thinner line that some H's have. And, btw, you may need to remind some of us (especially me) that both of you have cheated......and that she's been in more than one affair.

A year ago August I was on a business trip. I drank way too much, when the bar closed 2 strangers (guy and girl) came back to my room to drink more. She pulled her shirt off. I kissed her chest. She wanted sex with both of us. I refused. She said she was going to get condoms. We all walked down to the parking lot. She left. He left. I went to bed. Most of it is really foggy but I do know what I did and what I did not do. I immediately confessed, repented, showed remorse, asked for forgiveness and began earnestly trying to earn her trust and reconcile our M. I have been fighting for our M since Aug of last year and will keep fighting.

WW has had 2 PA's that I have proof of over the last 5 months and I have reason to believe at least one more.

I do feel I am not being the man only a fool would leave by being out to the wee hours of the morning on work nights, agree?

I agree, however, I am slow to agree, due to how I've seen LBH'S bounce from what you've been doing into trying to be some kind of super husband. And of course, he over-kills and gets the total opposite results from what he was wanting. You have to find balance.

Agreed, Staying out gambling is not the right choice. I still need to be responsible. That being said. She didn't come home last Wed, this Monday or last night. She has been gone over night on at least 7 or 8 nights in the last 2 months. I'm sure part of me and probably a large part is showing her I can stay out all night too.

I would agree that staying out gambling all night is not the brightest idea I've heard. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that was your answer to her sleeping in the MBR, b/c you didn't know what else to do without it appearing she backed you down into the basement.

I planned on being out late but then felt backed into the basement or less desirable room and didn't want her to be able to manipulate me. I feel this was a control move on her part.

Gal doesn't mean you are to go wild. Just b/c you aren't checking in with her and giving an account of your whereabouts, etc., doesn't mean you shouldn't behave like a responsible adult. You can go out without giving her an itinerary of the evening, but does that mean you should see what a bad boy you can be? Should you go bar hopping, get into fist-fights, pick-up women, or whatever? Not saying you did any of that, but you don't have to, in order to have a good time. Always remember, you are somebody's son, somebody's H, and somebody's daddy.

Depending on how tonight's conversation goes will determine further actions. If she's willing to not stay out all night then I am too but I don't believe I should be willing to agree to more than she is. I know I broke her trust first but she should respect that she has broke my trust too, right? I shouldn't be expected to give more than she is willing to give even though I do not want the D, I'm fighting for the M and she claims to believe the M was over when I cheated over a year ago. The thing about this claim is she was wearing her rings until 2 months ago, when the first OM approached her she claims she told him "leave me alone, I'm married" and just 2 months ago she was calling herself my wife. Rewriting history to justify her actions for sure.

[ep0215]

"I shouldn't be expected to give more than she is willing to give..."

Why not? You want to save your marriage, right? Then put your pride and who aside and give her more. Be the man only a fool would leave. A selfless one.

[gs9]

I guess what I mean is if she is going to continue staying out all night, not being honest, talking with other men, etc.....should I be expected to commit to more?