Your questions are helping me to explore things I never really thought too much about or related to my current situation. I hate to even discuss them because I know there are so many people that have had things so much worse then I did and I don't want to sound whiny and unappreciative torwards my family, but now I am seeing some correlations between my family and how I am and my marriage...
I think this internal work on Julie will have enormous effect on your personal growth. There will be great shift and this will happen very quickly.
I have a hard time using imagery to describe my feelings. I don't think I have ever thought of things in that way.
A new tool.
My rage and fear is not constant, but now comes frequently. When I close my eyes and focus on it I think it does feel heavy like tar. It does not flow. It seems to affect my heart, and perhaps my diaphragm . Maybe even posterior to my sternum, but not my throat. I am irritable, but not tired. I feel like I am running on anxiety and I always wake up early and In the middle of the night.
Yes, absolutely. It's blocked I think by shame.
As for my parents... My father usually defers to my mom. He is definatly more sensible, but he is not the warm affectionate type. He grew up in an abusive household and often exploded when he was under stress. He took it out on the kids, but was afraid of my mother.
That's your parents dynamic, you are comfortable with it. As with FOO issues, you will attempt to stay comfortable. To rework your childhood dynamic. Cure your R with mum. This is something a good IC can help with, to see how valid it is. Rather beyond my experience. IRL help needed to examine whether this is a factor for you.
Now I feel bad for him and I appreciate him a lot because I feel like my mother often put him down in front of us, and made fun of him and definatly disrespected him, but as a kid I didn't like him because he yelled a lot and was often in a bad mood and was not fun.
So his anger wasn't blocked!
He was always responsible and was always there for us and he helped us with everything. He did apologize to us when he was wrong. I think my mother pitted us against him for some reason.
You are now empathising with him. Could there be a sense you are your father's daughter, adapting some of his mechanisms?
My mother was always protective of us and extremely generous and fun. She is witty and imaginative and an artist and very eccentric. I get along with her and talk and go out with Her frequently, but I do not agree with a lot of the ways she raised us. She constantly nagged and complained about everything. It always had to be her way and she relied on spite and passive aggressive behavior to get her way. (She went 2 years without talking to a very close brother over a fight involving something so minor. She is proud of this too). She has to win at all costs. Even at the expense of her kids. She would tell us things, she shouldn't have told us so that we would not like the people that she did not like. I think she just never had anything positive or nice to say period. She is very opinionated and immature and was never affectionate.
Similar to H?
She was very withholding when she was angry at me. I remember getting into fights with her as a kid, and having to write apology letters to her so she would talk to me again. She was big on making sure there were consequences for our actions.
Yes, you may have apologised for things that were perfectly ok. This I think is worth exploring as the origin of the shame which chokes your anger. Anger was clearly frowned on in your childhood home. Learning assertiveness and deciding when someone has a view that you don't agree with that you can decide arguing isn't worth it. So you can use the techniques of validation and fogging.
I also recognize something in her similar to my husband...
hmmmmmm......
When she went back to work, she really was unwise in how she prioritized her obligations. She would spend hours creating perfect worksheets but neglected a lot regarding me and my siblings. She gave herself tons of extra work to do because of pride and perfectionism (it didn't raise her pay scale or benefit her or anyone in anyway) and my Husband does the same (without raises or compensation)
Classic fear of failure using procrastination and perfectionism? Did there issues make you believe you should be perfect to match their needs? Are you working to achieve their view or your own?
Vanilla, thinking about these issues is making me focus a lot less on my husband. I have felt less consumed and less focused on him the past few days.
That is the idea of DB, work on you! You are aware it's ok not to be perfect. For my part I would rather see you shift as realisations come, please don't see my views as 100% that isn't the idea as they most likely are thinking objectives. I wish the very best for you and your future.
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Iit is my intention to set you thinking and reviewing, create shift and release that tar! I would not want to create yet another sets of hurdles for perfection.
Just my thoughts and observations, hope they are useful.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
