My boundaries are very poor!!! Especially when a person starts out being very nice to me or attentive torwards me. Then if they change how they treat me, or treat me disrespectfully I don't know how to confront (although with strangers I'm fine) and I end up questioning myself. For some reason I have always had trouble asking for things that I am actually entitled too.
I think you have identified the need for assertiveness training. With some good assertiveness training then you can direct the aggression towards a more direct and positive response. I would consider a short term course if you can. This will apply to several areas of your life. Any assertiveness course will give you the skills you need to soften your approach to your boundaries. I think you have boundaries just don't assert them. That's different issue to having no boundaries.
When I first started working in my field. I had a boss that was paying me a lower titles salary. I started as this boss's student and I had a lot of respect for him so I accepted it, but also I resented it, Eventually he paid me correct salary, but I never forgot this, and ended up quitting.
I think this illustrates the point.
( I only quit because I was afraid I would get fired, but found out this would never have happened, was only something i imagined). I allowed him to take advantage of me financially. I am guessing it's because deep down I have a low sense of self worth so yes, this does seem to be a pattern.
So do I, but actually it's an easy one to address, maybe a long standing pattern is well engrained so work to address it. A CBT based counsellor may be one solution, try googling CBT, I like the GET.gg website there are CBT resources on there for anxiety.
The roots don't suggest to me poor self worth, not with a high resiliency score, but a high coping tolerance before you assert. Asserting techniques and an early reaction when your boundaries are breached will help. I think you tolerate too much before you react and then you find it hard to assert, so instead you use the flight rather than anger response, this relieves anxiety. Reinforcing boundaries sooner in a more assertive way I think may help you. It may unblock anger.
I think you should consider assertiveness training.
i am angry, but I guess fearful as well.
This is the second time you have used the term fear, I think anxiety. The anger is actually blocked in you by anxiety. What would happen if I released the anger I feel because my boundaries are breached? It's anxiety because there is no cool calm assertiveness response in your toolkit. Only an angry, screaming banshee type one and your preference is to keep coping then flee rather than fight.
I don't know if it's abandonment, he already abandoned us and it's not the end of my world.
I am convinced it ant abandonment either, a high resiliency score shows you can cope very well. That of itself can make a partner in an R feel insignificant. A high score like this can mean you take on too much without sharing, just because you can cope, may not mean you should. With better assertiveness you may be able to encourage WH to take more share.
Maybe I'm afraid of change.
I am unsure it's this. We may need to dig further.
i really dread giving up time with children.
you can consider what is best for your children. Just because you dread it isn't an indicator it shouldnt be.
It is a heart sickening black colored fear and rage, because it's not fair.
Yes, this is shamed based choking of anger. Anger can be an enormous force for change if directed. When anger is black and sticky it tends to be its choked because we are ashamed on it. I think if you can assert the anger it will flow. I think it's anger that's choked not anxiety because it comes and goes and it's in your central core, not your throat, and it's not omnipresent like anxiety. This I think this goes back to childhood apology issues.
With some ideas, I accepted husbands way of thinking, but with certain topics I was not good at compromising with my husband and I was oblivious to his needs.
I am going to park this for later, as I haven't yet formed a view.
By the time I figured it out and started to make changes it seemed to be too late. I feel bad about this. We were so young when we met and my views of life and the world were immature. I am now less critical and more open minded to other opinions and ideas.
my sense is you always were, just haven't the tools in your toolkit to know how to disagree.
And yes, you are spot on. My parents are very generous and we were not abused in any way, but we were subjected to tons of critisism and judgement.
I think this is where the shame originates, your mum is critiquing that part of you that is actually acceptable. There is dissonance, mum says not acceptable and you 'know' it's ok and yet still defer to mum. It's a no win, shame if it's ok, and shame because who you are is acceptable and you haven't accepted it. a double bind.
My husband actually was shocked when he would observe how negative my parents were, and how they were all doom and gloom. ( he was and still is constantly praised for everything) My mother critiques everything and everyone and she has a lot of fears.
that's you mums issue to deal with. You can drop that bag, assertively if you wish!
Thank you vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/28/1510:41 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
