Quote: The final straw was her moving out. It actually allowed me to break the continual cycle of confrontation...fixing things for her, not me...and then going back to the old ways. Now that I have my self-confidence back I am very HD but she's now LD.
as noted above by my pissy little post (please don't take it as aimed at you personally) my h is ld or rather as he likes to call it "fluctuating libido", the issue caused other issues in our r, as you are no doubt aware of due to your own sit. H eventually had an ea with another woman causing even more friction wich then led to his leaving and wanting a d. He did come home when he realized he didn't really want to leave and when he came home he was totally HD and claimed "maybe this is the way I'll be from now on, it's what you always wanted anyway right" well as you can guess from my pissy tone...he hasn't stayed that way at all. So I question the fact that anyone can actually change.
I would say the following in my case: My HD has remained the past 9 months being separated despite being rejected over and over by W. She started out by saying she was scared to be intimate again, then didn't want to confuse things, and now it's she's too hurt.
The shoe is on the other foot. I used to be the one who gave lots of reasons why, but none of them the right one..ie...if you weren't so critical I'd initiate more.
In fact, the last time we did have sex (nearly a year ago) I was the one who initiated. The next day she was even critical about the way I did initiate. Come one...what do you want?
I could have gone off and had a EA. But I still love my W and want us to work things out. D is not the solution to the problem.
I think that if my W and I sit down and make a list of wants...something we've NEVER done...then that is the best way to start real healing.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
She may not like the way you initiate. That's up to you two to negotiate the terms in which you can both live satisfactorily. One of her terms might be that she wants you to initiate differently. One of your terms might be that you want her to accept your "weak" initiations and not read too much into them. I know that is a hard one for me to get past--my H initiates so nonchalantly that I am not at all convinced that he really WANTS the sex. He says that he does and that he is just too shy/awkward/whatever to let it all hang out and be aggressive. I have to tell you, though, that this style does nothing for me sexually. It doesn't turn me on and sure doesn't make me feel desired.
But that is not to say, Yo Dbrookie you must get better at initiating or you will lose her. It simply means that you have to hammer out what you are willing to give and what she is willing to give.
It doesn't surprise me that she feels more comfortable letting her sexuality hang out in front of other people and not in front of you. You have probably given her subtle-but-unmistakable signs that you are not interested in her being like that full time. If she has ever flirted with you or made an innuendo and you either rolled your eyes or ignored it, then you gave her the signal that you are not interested in that side of her personality.
So I would initiate that conversation with her that you are thinking about...hash out what you both would like out of a sexual relationship and see if there is any common ground. And try to be realistic! I know you are horny and desperate to get her back right now, but do not overcommit yourself or she will see right through it. And do not get caught up in the "perfect world" scenario in which you are naming a frequency that sounds great but only if she ditches the negativity and the house is clean and the lawn is mowed, etc. Try to think in normal living terms when talking to her. Oh and be honest!! She will also see through any attempts to lure her back that might not be based in reality. On the other hand, maybe there is a whole side of your sexuality that you never exposed to her for one reason or another. If that is the case, then tell her that and explain what elements you would be comfortable incorporating into your life.
Don't be surprised if she doesn't even want to have the conversation. Right now, I'm sure she can't even imagine having sex with you at all. A confident and horny man is almost irresistable to an HD woman so stick with that persona and best of luck!
Quote: Besides continuing to show that my HD is not phony or fleeting...can you recommend some baby steps for reconnecting intimately?
assuming that your relationship didn't start with sex and develop based on nothing but sex...why not start dating again? do the things you used to do together and try some of the things you or she would have liked to do. Have a new courtship.
the sex will come along just as it did the first time around.
I've been continuing with doing my own improvement, and at the same time letting my WAW that I am no longer LD.
Last week, her car broke down and I handled it (towing, repairs, rental car, etc), and took her to and from work. We had dinner together several times and she slept over twice that week. I had to go out of town one night, and said I'd rather go home and ML than drive 3 hours in the middle of the night.
She said that's not what she wants right now. Later she said that she can't force herself to do something that she doesn't feel right about. She says my days of LD hurt her too much to want to be with me now, even if I really am HD.
She said she though our R had become platonic, but the irony is that all it is now is platonic...and that's NOT what I want.
Thoughts? Help?
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
You hjad dinner and sleepovers. It sounds like progress. It will be very slow, some say 1 month for every year you are married. Just give it time, and make yourself as attractive to her as possible. Be a confident man!
- She came over at 4:30am without me prompting her. - She came over for dinner and asked what I did with our wedding picture that was up in the living room. - She slept over the following night without prompting. - She came over for dinner again on Sat night but didn't sleep over, and I didn't pressure her to either way.
When I did push things a little bit about the impending D I pointed out that she's actually never said "I want a divorce" to me. She's made me say that's what she wants based on our situation. Anyhow, I told her to tell me "I want a divorce" because I've yet to hear it, and she totally changed the subject.
I know I probably pushed the D thing too much, but the fact that she didn't/couldn't say it meant something.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
