Last night W brought up the conversation that happened the other night in front of S8 (see above). It was my chance to introduce my boundary. It went something like this:
Me: You chose to turn your back on our MR. W: Yah (sarcastic tone). Me: You chose to be in an A. W: Yah (sarcastic tone). Me: You choose to continue to be in an A. W: Ok (sarcastic tone). Me: It is better for both of us if you move your things back into the other bedroom (making reference to the spare bedroom where she sleeps). W: You think so? (sarcastic tone) Is this a threat? Me: No, just stating the facts. W: You should move your things out of MBR. Me: No, I did not chose to turn away from the MR and have an A. W: Well, that space is too small (making reference to spare bathroom that she was sharing with kids). Me: Again, please move your things out of the MBR. W: We'll see about that!
I know she will not move her things and I will need to move them out of the MBR myself.
Then there is the other side of me, the nice guy. We have been doing parent volunteer work for past 3 weeks together alone; approx 1 hour each night. Long story short, she volunteered and I just help with the man power.
The other night when we made those uncalled-for-remarks during dinner (see above) I did not go with her to help. I know she was upset that I went to take a shower instead of helping.
Last night, she said, you gave up helping? I replied, when I came out of the shower you left (in my mind I was thinking why do I have to help you.. you volunteered not me.. but then I have to remember it’s for S10 school fundraising.. she is NOT getting anything in return from this work other than the parent satisfaction of helping S10 class fundraising.. at least I get some parent satisfaction knowing I helped).
So I ended up going with her and introducing my boundary (see above). Next is to continue with boundaries.. she fired me as her husband so I no longer have to support her.. right?
Do something different. Thinking of taking kids to a theme park (ie. Disneyland) over Thanksgiving break. Ran it by S10 and S8 this morning. They both replied, is mommy coming? If not, then no. They continue to share they rather stay home if mommy does not go. This is a little hard for me because we do (or have done) everything as a family. I want to take kids on a roadtrip with or without WW but not if the kids are against idea. Anyone have similar experience?
I thought sharing boundaries was related to the A and thought LBH should not bring up R unless WW wants to discuss.. I have so much to work on to understand relationships in general.
I'm either confused about what you are saying, or else you are confused about the definition of boundaries.
A boundary is for your protection. If the other person dishonors that boundary, you are the one who does the action in response to their behavior.........which is more effective if it is some type of consequence to their behavior toward you.
I am not sure where you stated your boundary to your WW. I assume it had to do with her not sharing the MBR. My opinion about that is that you can let her know you do not desire her presence in the MBR, however, I have seen where it can literally become a fight and the point of not sharing the MBR is completely lost.
Exactly how would you word that boundary? "I will not share a bedroom with a spouse who is cheating on me"? Ok, then what would you do if she continues to put her things back in the MRB? Right now, she sees it as a power struggle.
IMHO, there are some other areas that you need a boundary. For example, when she shows disrespect for you in front of your sons. But first, you must stop showing disrespect for her! Both of you were guilty of that poor behavior at the dinner table. What did it teach your son?
Have you read the link on detachments? Don't start saying this and that is your boundary, until you know more about it. Okay?
Last edited by sandi2; 10/28/1511:45 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Doh.. that is one of my faults.. I do not tell the story well; making it difficult for people to follow.
Yesterday, W calls me towards the end of the workday and asks what time will I be home (she is UPSET). She makes a comment that I did something but will not share. I tell her I will be home at 5pm. I get home to find she and kids are not home. I find my S10 down at the neighborhood park and he tells me W and S8 are at the mall. They get home and we all have dinner together (normal routine).
After dinner, I put kids to bed (read story with S8 too). We hear shower going while in their bedroom but shortly after S8 says "hear that, the door.. and he yells, mom!" Apparently, she decided to go out without telling kids or me. S10 cannot go to sleep he is worried. W comes home 2 hours later. I did not ask where she went.
However, later that night I did press her on what has her upset. She initially gave me attitude that she did not have to tell me anything since I did not tell her. Apparently, she needed $ to pay our bills and went to another bank where I deposit $ from my paycheck (none from hers) to save for rainy day and kids’ college fund. We dip into it when she does not have $ to pay monthly bills; she has always be the owner of the M to paid bills (I did the long term $ planning). Well, I closed the account to drop her from the account (remember she took $2k in cash saying she did not have to tell me about it) so I dropped her from this account (I can’t trust she and was protecting myself and kids; she could in theory take the $). She was pissed at this because when she went to the bank they told her she is not on the new account.
This led her to rage out at me for trying to kick her out of MBR when the house was sold to us by her parents at the low end of the market value (she threw that in my face.. I could have said that we renovated the entire house since then.. but didn’t). She went on to say, “yes I left the MR and had an A but you left me first and was never therefore me so F@C! U!!”
I can feel myself slowly detaching and letting her go. I need help with communication.
Typical workday morning, W comes into MBR bath to get ready for work and when I step out of MBR she closes the door. I am realizing she gets 2 bedrooms? No! I do not enter the spare bedroom where she sleeps and chooses to communicate with OM; I am respecting her privacy (history, when the bomb dropped on me I did everything LBH should not do like snoop, confronted OM, web blogged, journaled events where audience was the kids.. and she found it all and holds it against me). I told her she needs to move her things out of the MBR because she turned away from our R and chooses to communicate with OM.
A few weeks back, I made a suggestion that she should move her stuff out. She came home from work the next day and started to move her things out. Then the days to follow, she made comments like when you go on your business trip I am going to move your stuff out and my stuff back in to the MBR. I get back from business trip last week and she moved her stuff back in to the MBR.
Basically nothing has changed from years prior. She sleeps in the other bedroom but has all her things in the MBR. I would like her to move her stuff back out of MBR (I know she is pissed at this.. again, she made comments that her parents sold us the house.. I haven’t said but perhaps should say that we added the MBR with the premises that it was for us; you turned away).
I thought sharing boundaries was related to the A and thought LBH should not bring up R unless WW wants to discuss.. I have so much to work on to understand relationships in general.
Exactly how would you word that boundary? "I will not share a bedroom with a spouse who is cheating on me"? Ok, then what would you do if she continues to put her things back in the MRB? Right now, she sees it as a power struggle.
What can I do? How do I communicate this boundary? Moving her things out of MBR made her upset but it offered me the space away from her (just for those few weeks) that I found beneficial for my wellbeing (she is not with me in MR).
Could I say, "I am respecting your privacy by not entering the bedroom where you sleep please remove your things from MBR." What can I do if she does not honor this boundary?
I understand what you are saying about the MBR. What I am asking you is how are you using this as a boundary? So far, it has just become another battleground for you and WW. Nothing has been accomplished over whose things stay in which room. While other, much more serious issues are seemly ignored by you.
I mentioned the terrible behavior at the dinner table. Here is another issue that you have not mentioned confronting your WW about:
Quote:
I tell her I will be home at 5pm. I get home to find she and kids are not home. I find my S10 down at the neighborhood park and he tells me W and S8 are at the mall.
Where I live, a parent could lose their kids for doing something like she's done. Is she insane? Leaving a ten year old kid alone in the park? I really hope this is different from how it reads.
Anyway, back to boundaries. Can you focus on something else, besides the MBR, for a minute? B/c I do not see how you have used it as a boundary. If there is no action on your part, and if you have not stated the boundary to her......and if you don't enforce any consequences, tell me how it's a boundary? It just looks like a power struggle.
For the time being, and since you have not told her it is a boundary, can you think of something else?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What can I do? How do I communicate this boundary? Moving her things out of MBR made her upset but it offered me the space away from her (just for those few weeks) that I found beneficial for my wellbeing (she is not with me in MR).
Could I say, "I am respecting your privacy by not entering the bedroom where you sleep please remove your things from MBR." What can I do if she does not honor this boundary?
Cadet sent a link on boundaries. Did you read it?
First, you don't ask for a boundary, you state it. A boundary is not a give & take thing (I did that for you, now you do this for me).
Secondly, don't set a boundary that you are not absolutely sure you can enforce if it's broken. Know what you will do if it is not honored. Expect her to challenge you.
Third, this is not to be used as a controlling tool. It is to protect yourself from her bad treatment of you.
Please read the link on boundaries.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I tell her I will be home at 5pm. I get home to find she and kids are not home. I find my S10 down at the neighborhood park and he tells me W and S8 are at the mall.
Where I live, a parent could lose their kids for doing something like she's done. Is she insane? Leaving a ten year old kid alone in the park? I really hope this is different from how it reads.
I should clarify S10 was at park with neighborhood/classmates. In her defense, she typically keeps me informed where S8 and S10 are afterschool (if they not doing organized activities); but yesterday she must have been so upset that ignoring was the better choice.
Quote:
For the time being, and since you have not told her it is a boundary, can you think of something else?
I have read the post on boundaries. I think I have been reactive more than anything and having trouble defining my boundaries. As shared, I am innately (and culturally raised) to go with the flow (hate to admit it but.. be a doormap.. avoid conflict). So speaking up for what I want/need and following through has not been me. Darn-it, this is something W knows too well about me.. that I do not follow through.. (she's got me by the ba!!s here).
