I'm so happy to learn this sadness is normal! I do take medication, and have for years, but it's not a cure-all, nor should it be. Since I have major depressive disorder, it worries me when I feel any extreme emotion, and this sadness is pretty extreme. I need to check what is "normal" sometimes just to know if I'm okay or if I should be concerned.
More crying today, but it was a direct result of having to go back over the night of my breakdown with the insurance investigator. How fun it was to explain I don't remember much. About 1/2 hour after that, H felt compelled to heap more bitterness and blame on me. So, yeah....lots of crying today. I noticed my pillow has been soaked the last 3 mornings, so I'm crying in my sleep, too.
I'm feeling some hopelessness, but not the all-consuming "wish I could die" kind. I believe that's pretty normal, too? I mean, there is no saving the M, I need to get out of here, and lack the funds to do it right now. It's so hard sometimes...what is normal for me doesn't always match what is normal for others. Embarrassing, but true.
The feeling of being broken really hurts my self-esteem. I'm a burden at times. I didn't do anything to cause this, but the depression is a part of me and I need to be honest about it. I spent far too many years NOT talking about it, or addressing it in any way, so I didn't get the help I needed. I don't want it to define me, though. I need to work on that.
I don't feel too good about H' s intentions towards me. I really need to come up with a plan of some kind to get me out of here. I hope the investigation is over soon so I can get my car fixed.
Do you know tears are healing? The body eliminates enormous amounts of toxins in tears.
My lovely, time to try the headphones technique, when WH starts his rants, pretend you have headphones on, kids do this all the time. play a favourite tune in your headphones.
Here are some of mine
Gummie bear Robbers theme from Snow Queen Ding dong bell You should be dancing Rockin all over the world Thriller
Something that distracts you.
And get yourself away for a few days, even to a caravan or friends spare room. If you can't do that for real, visit Vs big house in your mind. Apple trees, peace, quiet and gentle rain.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/27/1511:52 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Ancaire, when T Rex went crashing through the woods the little mammals hid in their underground dens. They survived and T Rex became extinct.
Try to avoid long, detailed conversations with your husband. "I don't know", "I have talk with my lawyer about that" or "I don't feel well, can we talk later" may help stall. Try going for a walk if you know he's coming by. Get your car fixed' get your ducks in a row and create your own life.
Be careful Ancaire, a cornered scared animal bites.
Ancaire, the sadness and hopeless in very common. I had many days during the first few months after BD where I felt the deepest and most painful levels of sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness that I have ever experienced in my life. I can promise you it does get better, especially the more GAL that you do. You can and will have a fulfilling life without your H. I still find my grief comes in waves, but they are spread much further out.
I am sorry you had to experience such a horrible event, but I know how mind altering the gaslighting can be. I found myself doing things do out of character and I thought I was losing it many times when my H was lying and manipulating about his A.
Sending a big hug your way. Hang in there.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Hi Ancaire. I understand about your sadness as it's part of the grieving process. Unfortunately we can't switch on and off our feelings. You have a story with your H and you need to grieve for it. Take care and look after yourself xx
I feel ya on the hopelessness part. I cannot tell anyone when I feel hopeless because for some reason the world looks at hopelessness as suicidal. I am not suicidal, but I get very hopeless when things do not get better in the way I want them to, or in the way they should.
Try and remember things will always get better. Things will also always get worse, but it will not be exactly like it is now, ever, ever again. Every day you make it through is one step closer to getting out of the tunnel.
You do not need things to get better or worse to move forward. You just need to figure out a way to handle yourself no matter what is next.
Remember, there really are actual people on the other ends of the keyboards here, and they do care, and are 100% on your side no matter what you choose, unless you choose to wallow...
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Thanks, everyone, for chiming in and helping me understand that I'm actually in a good, healthy, and "normal" state of mind. Lord knows I need to be right now. Remember how I told you I didn't like the look in H's eye? Getting out would not have helped. He had his best friend press charges regarding the event 2 weekends ago, and I was arrested yesterday and spent the night in jail.
I was booked for felony criminal mischief, claiming that I intended to destroy his friend's truck. I don't know if that's true or not, since I have so little memory following H's declaration about the number of affairs he has had. I got out a little while ago, in time to hear the blackmail offer to get me out of trouble.
I recorded it this time, just don't know how clear it is since I had the phone in my pocket. I'll give it a listen when H is gone. Basically, his friend offered to drop the charges if I would agree to 7 months of spousal support instead of the 7 years I am allowed by law. I told him I wasn't interested in being blackmailed and would be hiring a criminal defense attorney instead. Their game playing may have results they didn't expect. The DA has flagged the case for review, so even if his friend drops the charges, the DA might not.
If the recording is clear, I've got proof against them for both cases, the divorce and my defense! If not, I'll still take my chances by hiring an attorney. Just need to call all my relatives to borrow money again.
My poor daughter had to bail her mother out of jail today. I cannot believe the harm I'm doing my children from losing my mind one night. My shame is overflowing. My anger towards H grows steadily. How low down can a person be? Have the mother of their children thrown in jail?
I have never been in trouble in my life, and this entire event is beyond humiliating. To have to deal with both this, and a divorce that is ripping my heart out at the same time??? Seeing the pain my kids are in and having no way of helping? H should be ashamed of himself, but that is the one thing I can assure you he is not. He thinks he has me right where he wants me.
I'm going to pretend to be beaten for now. No more talking, arguing, or anything. I'm going to stop wearing makeup and fixing my hair. I am aware of how extremely careful I need to be. H has shown his hand, and I am in danger. What I need is a financial miracle so I can get out of here. Since I don't see that happening, depressed Judy has to return. At least in front of H. I've been showing too much spirit.
This entire situation sickens me. It should never have happened. Nothing I can do but carry on, one day at a time. I'm really frightened, to be honest. Prison? How did I get here???
