Afternoon everybody. Just wanted to stop in and provide a few updates.
Things have been going as well as they can. And with that I mean, we are still having minimal dialogue and going about our lives individually.
We set up some time to meet last Friday to discuss details of the divorce. Specifically with the kids. We came to an agreement to have 50/50 custody and already worked out a holiday schedule. My W is still living in the house, but with the holidays approaching she felt we needed to determine who the kids would be with on each day and what side of the family they would see.
On Saturday I took the kids to a local apple farm that had a corn maze and some other great activities. The wife checked in a few times during the day via text to ask how the kids were and to see if they were having a good time. I responded and kept the responses brief.
On Sunday she took the kids to a pumpkin patch to pick out pumpkins to carve. I did the same thing she did the previous day and asked if the kids had fun. She responded and sent a bunch of pictures of the day.
We still have our alternating schedule in place for when each of us can go out. This helps avoid arguments and reduce unnecessary tension. I've been able to finally start accepting her evenings out and completely avoid thinking about what she is doing or who she is with. I still have my moments, but most of my energy has been focused on improving me and controlling what I can control.
I have some questions and need a little guidance as well. I will post in below.
Me-29 W-29 M 5 years (2010) Kids S-6 S-5 W Ring Off: 9/28/15 Filed: 10/12/15
I have also come to realize that when my wife left , i didnt really have nothing. No hobbies , very few friends , nothing to do, who am i? I just lived for her.
That's one of the most frustrating aspects of this entire situation I am in angel r. I wish I had vested more into my personal growth so that I had other areas to focus my attention on.
I have since GAL (get a life) and began some hobbies, but I am seeing a common trend among us on these forums. Why did we all become dependent on the relationship? I personally think this is a big part of why we all ended up here. I think the hobbies, friends...LIFE ENERGY is what keeps people around. If that's not there the flame starts to die and the other person starts to loose interest and question why they are even here anymore. Just my 2 cents.
Me-29 W-29 M 5 years (2010) Kids S-6 S-5 W Ring Off: 9/28/15 Filed: 10/12/15
I too realized this, didn't know who I was, I had a hobby but was kept from it, was not what my W wanted me to do.
I also lost confidence in my decision making and eventually transfer all decisions to her. This come out in MC and just made it worse for me, she liked me even less after I shared that info.
Keep your new found information to yourself.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Thank you vise82. Wish I had read the books and had these revelations WAY BEFORE the collapse of my marriage.
But everything happens for a reason and what is meant to be, will be. I am a firm believer in this and if we are meant to be together in the future, we will be.
Me-29 W-29 M 5 years (2010) Kids S-6 S-5 W Ring Off: 9/28/15 Filed: 10/12/15
I captured part of sandi2's thread below. This is the part I am trying to navigate through. My W and I are not interacting much and don't know how to get her to notice the items I bolded. How do I begin repairing the relationship?
First, the H has to see his own part of the downfall in the MR and work very hard to improve himself as a man. Notice, I said "man" and not H. The reason I said that is b/c the M is past the point of him showing her what an improved husband he can be. She is not interested in him as her H. If he now starts trying to implement all the things he sees he should have done in the past, it will hurt his effectiveness in getting this stitch turned around. For the WW, it is much too late, and she no longer cares about you doing those things. Based on what most newcomer LBH'S say, they think spending more time with the kids, showering the W with more attention, doing the housework, cooking, and running her errands (basically catering to her) will do the trick. A H should never do everything and leave her with no responsibilities, and certainly not at this point in the broken M with a wayward.
That leads me to the second part. As the rejected party, the H cannot enable her in this terrible, disrespectful behavior. Every time he does, it will set him back. Before he can show her what a wonderful & improved H he wants to be, he has to prove what kind of man he is. All of this still comes under the heading of DBing. His first objective should be to gain back her respect and attraction. She can't love him if she doesn't respect him, and won't desire him if she's not attracted.
She have already displayed her willfulness in continuing this A at any cost, so he has his work cut out for him. He can do it, and it has been done by others. I can not recall a case where the H saved the M and really "got his W back" by supplicating, appeasing, and any doormat methods he mistakenly thought was DBing. That is not the way to get the respect from a WW. She is tough, and the H has to be tougher.
How do I gain respect and become attractive if our interactions have almost completely vanished? I don't shower her with attention anymore, I do some housework (not all, more like 50/50), no cooking, but I do the grocery's (always have). What do I need to do to get her to possibly begin respecting me? Anything?
I don't believe I am a doormat at this stage. Although I don't know if she thinks I am one or not. It's hard to understand this one because we are civil and really not fighting about anything so why would she need to try and walk all over me. In regards to appeasing, I don't think I am doing this either. Again, it doesn't appear their are even opportunities to do this. We usually only say a few sentences to each other and really don't interact otherwise.
My overall concern is that I am not being given an a chance to show the WW that I am respectable, confident, and ultimately desirable (only a fool would leave).
Does anyone have suggestions on how I improve my odds if I am not given an opportunity to show improvement?
Do I just keep working on GAL? The 180 is also hard because there isn't a lot I can show her due to our limited interaction time.
Last edited by wiseman; 10/28/1501:59 PM.
Me-29 W-29 M 5 years (2010) Kids S-6 S-5 W Ring Off: 9/28/15 Filed: 10/12/15
This was a tough one for me too, considering I went NC right off the bat with my WAS.
I think confidence is something that is sensed by people. You can't go around telling people you are confident.
The trick is to "act as if" you are going to be ok without your wife if she ultimately decides this is what she wants. You need to have a mysterious aura about you. Like you are excited about the next chapter in your life (without overdoing it and coming across as fake).
Have you read the DR book? Have you read Sandi's 37 rules?
I have read the DR book and Sandi's 37 rules. I have been applying these techniques daily. The one I struggled with for a while was asking her whereabouts. In the last few weeks I've really improved in this area. I had one slip up on 10/16. This night she stayed out until 5:45am and I confronted her when she got home. At that time I thought that was completely unacceptable, but Sandi helped be realize it was out of my control and something she could do if she felt like she wanted to. Other than that, I have been great in this area. No more asking where you went, what you did, who you were with.
I do struggle with rule #19. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't deserve a happy tone from me or any positive dialogue. She is the one throwing the M away and don't want to make the process easier for her to navigate. However, I do see the other side where it can confuse her and make her question why I am acting this way with everything going on.
All the other rules I am applying daily and haven't talked about our marriage is quite some time. No gifts, no waiting around for her, no phone calls to her, and no "I love you's".
It's an uphill battle, but I am learning to adapt and overcome the struggles.
Me-29 W-29 M 5 years (2010) Kids S-6 S-5 W Ring Off: 9/28/15 Filed: 10/12/15
