It sounds like your H is not truly remorseful, and without that, any reconciliation is not going to be honest or lasting. You need to set strict boundaries for him and make him honor them. He should be trying to win your approval right now, not the other way around. You can work with a MC but I think that unless both parties are truly committed to identifying and resolving issues in the M, then it is a waste of time and money. Perhaps your H needs some IC first, but from the sounds of it, he's not even willing to own up to his own issues, and how badly he has hurt you.
Do not allow him to blow this off, and just continue on like it never happened, or you will be right back in the same position in a matter of months. You have to decide how much you are willing to tolerate and be prepared to follow through with whatever consequences you decide are appropriate. Reconciliation is wonderful when both partners are committed but from the sounds of it, you have a H who just wants to sweep it all away. You deserve more than that.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I guess I would want him to find out why he made that specific choice? I feel like for most of out marriage, it's been games, power struggles, withdraws, silent treatments and punishments.
OK here is my .02
You don't need him to TELL you WHY he made these choices. He probably doesn't even know the REAL reasons.
You can find out because KNOWLEDGE is POWER
however it will take a lot of work on your part and it does not involve him.
1) I have read almost every book that our founder MWD has wrote. That is a good starting point.
2) All the homework I assigned, including every link inside of each post.
3) Read threads here from start to finish and POST on other peoples threads. Ask questions.
4) Learn about depression.
5) Re-read my welcome post - it has everything you need to do!
6) None of this is going to be fast - it takes TIME!
Blugirl, I am dealing with a similar MIL dynamic. And since BD it is becoming more and more obvious that H has learned his ways from MIL. Will do anything to justify his behavior, including the A, and anything to make it all about how bullied and victimized he is. IC for H is helping but it is a VERY slow process. I have done my best to "stay out of it" since BD, completely STFU about MIL and let her and H work out their relationship but it has been hard. 8 months in and he still blames me for bullying her and him.
I will post later when I have more time. Gotta get my boys to school.
Wow! I am overwhelmed by all of your replies/advice. None of you know me and yet you are willing to offer advice to help me in anyway you can, and for that I thank you!
I have considered leaving for a while. My mother is going to have open heart surgery and I need to help and look after her. This would be the perfect time to detach from this situation and just read all the materials you have suggested.
There is a difference between boundaries and rules/consequences. A boundary is a line you really draw for yourself that let's him know you won't cross unless/until the relationship is going to be healthy and consist of mutual consideration and commitment.
It's not advisable to ever make rules you're not in a position to enforce. What if he breaks them but gets into bed anyway? Are you going to start a fight? Call the police? Would any of that help or be necessary? So you can't really force him to sleep on the couch without causing a big dust-up if he ignores the consequence and gets into bed anyway.
What you CAN do is set a boundary that you will not cross unless he wants to show you basic respect.
I would think the best approach would be to continue detaching so that you are clear-minded enough to say something (perhaps in MC, in front of the counselor) like, "I want this marriage to work but I can't commit to that unless we have an atmosphere of mutual respect, consideration, and accountability. Your leaving for hours on end with no explanation makes me feel like I am not a priority so I cannot move towards a closer relationship until that changes."
If he's not going to do that--and you certainly don't want to slip into a mode of thinking where you're trying to direct his behavior--you simply adjust your behavior accordingly.
Hi Blugirl, I feel your pain. It's been 6 months since bomb drop and 2 months since my divorce and I am still struggling with the pain of betrayal.
Needless to say, my X isn't remorseful at all abt the hurt caused by the affair. In fact, he's the one who pushed for the divorce to proceed.
Your husband may or may not ever express remorse abt the affair but that doesn't mean that he doesn't feel it. So you wouldn't want that to affect you too much. But does he show that he's sorry in other ways? Wanting to go for MC sounds like he's still trying.
I think what would help is to work on you and the marriage.
In one of the books I have read, there was this suggestion to set aside a scheduled time and duration to talk abt the A. You could put questions abt the A you want to ask your H in a bowl and your H can choose from the questions those that he wants to answer for that day. He will eventually have to work his way through the questions but he gets a choice and may not feel so pressured.
Have you asked him why he felt picked on? Could it be that he felt ambushed by your need to know about the A?
I guess right now the wound is still raw but perhaps you can consciously set aside protected time where you will not talk about the A at all.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
If I were being honest, in some aspects, my husband is incredibly selfish, in others he is very generous.
The therapist we saw is a "no nonsense call people on their sh*t" kind of therapist. We both agreed that our marriage has problems and we are both responsible for our part, but she flat said that HE made the decision to cheat. My husband has said he is sorry. But often times I feel like I get responses like, "I hate myself for what I've done" and "I feel very ashamed". i am a very compassionate person, but I feel like that these kind of statements are said so that I feel the urge to console him, not the other way around.
That's the way most things go in our marriage. If I were to come to him and say something like, "I felt very hurt by xyz..." His response is usually something along the lines of, "you don't think I have hurts?" In other words what ever my issue about being hurt is never taken into account or address and he turns it around to make it about him. Even the therapist pointed that out.
I even thought well, maybe I am not listening. So the last couple of interactions I have tried to listen, acknowledge, validate and even sometimes apologize. And then I think okay, maybe this is what I will get back. But it never happens. When I tried to discuss it this morning his response was, "maybe I am just human, and humans make mistakes, and maybe that's what you need to understand". Again, his solution is usually that I need to change me or he just throws the problem right back in my lap.
I am going to pick up the book DR today, but I am really running out of hope.
If I were to come to him and say something like, "I felt very hurt by xyz..." His response is usually something along the lines of, "you don't think I have hurts?" In other words what ever my issue about being hurt is never taken into account or address and he turns it around to make it about him.
I used to do that too. I see it as justifying our own bad behavior OR saying something like "I'll change when I see YOU change."
I eventually did the work to get to where I can separate someone else's behavior from my response. Takes a while to make the choice to get there...but once someone makes that choice to act deliberately out of their own sense of personal strength and caring, instead of reacting to perceived or actual wrongs someone else commits, a good C can help a lot. Once I got to that point, I made pretty fast progress.
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in and that you feel that you are running out of hope. I also want to send you and your mom my heartfelt best wishes for her open heart surgery.
The MC you saw in the past may have been a straight talker, but were they solution focused or pro marriage?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
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