5 Months after I opened Pandora's Box and I am at a crossroads.
My M is somewhere on the map but I don't know where.
If you were to look at us from a distance we seem like a normal couple. Sometimes smiling, sometimes laughing at a situation. We went to a movie together (the first time in ages). In short things look sweet.
If you look closer you will see no physical contact. The maximum I can expect is the typical brush something off some part of my clothes or a peck on the lips when I leave on a trip.
Have I made progress since PBD (Pandora Box Day)? On a personal level, yes. I am more level headed and began taking more stfu smoothies. There should be a pub where they serve these so we can get together. I think I have gained respect from her and she certainly doesnt treat me in the same way she did months ago.In short, I have reclaimed my position as man of the house. Even things with my son are great.
I have moved into the MBR some months ago and she even moved my things from the other bathroom to the bathroom in the MBR shortly after.
On a downside, I have had a few slip ups when I tried to get some physical reaction from her and intimacy but met with a direct blank. Rejection is hard to assimilate and sometimes I find myself thinking that it was easier when I hated her.
Some months or years ago I would be over the moon at having a R like this one. My expectations of what I want from a R and partner are different. I have earned self respect and though I am not perfect nor innocent think I deserve to be happy. Preferably sharing it with a loved one.
I will not blame her for how we got to where we did recently. We each made mistakes and I made far too many. I am continuously working at making myself a better person and hoping that at the same time I can start a new R with my W and iron out the old flaws that condemned it.
The problem is trust.
Until PBD I called her out on a few situations I didnt like with OM even though they seemed innocent and in public but it was the timing, body language and I also noticed she was extremely protective of her phone. After PBD solitary situations that would have gone unnoticed now made sense and gave me clearer picture of what was happening and at least during what time.
It was during this time that I did not know how serious it was she was going on trips with me (i thought it would be a way of re-connecting), I was buyig her some gifts she wanted for her activities (my current salary now allowed me to indulge myself a little whereas before we were always trying to make ends meet). I basically tried to show her that I was changing (I was in many ways) but also the dynamics and dark problems of our past could also be behind us. No guilty parties or crap to bring up. Just look ahead to a R 2.0. Unfortunately I was woken up a few months later. During all this time she was still contacting OM with an EA (PA never proven) and on PBD she sent him a message saying she missed him.
After PBD she apologized, explained why she did it and swore she would never do it again. She took full responsability and was overwhelmed as even our S found out and made a remark that hurt her. He even gave me green light to shop around as she denied that there was anything between them for over 1 year, suggested we should separate as things were not working out and that I was out of line for suggesting this. Unfortunately for her this incident caught her out.
Since then it has been a struggle to overcome these issues from my part and I imagine from hers as well. Things did improve in baby steps, I listened to advice from members here and realized I had to stop doing destructive actions but step by step our R got smoother and friendlier. I also noticed how her interaction with me changed and my dominance in the R took over. I was now the stronger one. She no longer had the last word nor was her word law. She lost the power I gave her years ago.
Don't get me wrong. I do not act as a dictator, I ask her for advice, we discuss topics and make decisions together. If I still think my way is the best I act on it. Before it was what she said. period. I remember sandi's words about taking the lead, getting respect and my own about not being ahead or behind my W but beside her.
Her erratic actions and sometimes strange behaviour she boils down to the fact she is not financially independant, still has no work, no prospect of one even on the horizon, some other sh*t she says she needs to workout and on top of that I have to move to abroad next year and possibly sell the house. She can either come or stay it is her choice but must accept the way her life will be with whatever choice she makes. my company invited us over to have a look at the country and she doesnt like it. She is a local girl and doesnt want to move. I can understand that and respect it. My train however has started rolling and next year will see me leave. She can be onboard or not.
So after this history where does the trust come in?
Basically that I read that sex and physical non sexual interactions are a sign things are good. With her she not only does not initiate but if I hug her she does not lean in or react. She is like an ironing board. Physically we are where we were months and years ago. Always me initiating.
My dilema is do I continue to show her TLC? Do I pull back? Is her coldness in that area because there is no love, just the ILYB... still living on? do we need more time?.
I can understand she does not initiate as it was something she rarely did before but now she does not react, excpet for the pecks when I leave. At night if I am away on a trip she almost always send me a message to say goodnight or how was day.
I am at a loss.
To add to further injury, this morning while doing an errand I got to a crossroads near my house. It ws dark and I was at there at the same time with a car of the same make, model and last 3 digits of the number plate of the OM car. I did not see if it was him as it was dark and could not follow or do anything as I was late.
This brought back memories of when I saw him months earlier driving around our neighbourhood looking for a place to park in the afternoon to meet W.
There's a lot to process in circumstances like this. I have accepted the organic evolution of my emotional repair. I feel the "emotion du jour" as it arises. I have given up on emotional control of myself. I manage my emotions better then I ever have but I feel what I feel. It has gotten a lot better over time.
Trust is an issue on my plate also. I can't deal with it yet because I don't know if there will be a marriage at all.
I learned through speaking with members and reading the books that emotions are indeed like waves. Before I did act on them, almost always negatively.
If this were me some time ago I would have let rip and accused her of seeing him during the mornings bla bla bla. Truth is he goes into work at 08:30 and it is a 30m drive. She leaves home around 7:35-40 to go to the gym so risk everything for a 15min coffee when tomorrow I leave on a trip? Sounds stupid, possible but not logical especially after being caught so often.
What would happen if he goes to work at 10? I would take it down as evidence but something to blow up at? No. Not this time. Also, I cant go around accusing her of something everytime I see his car or even him around the city.
As you can see, my way of handling trust is to rationalize if what I am seeing is real or imagining it. How often do we snoop and sneak hoping to find crap to prove something negative and blow up in their face about it only to walk away thinking ... maybe next time when we dont.
Sometimes Spielberg wouldn't have s**t on us as script writers for a fantasy flic when we imagine some of the weirdest s**t that our spouses are supposed to be doing when we try and match dots with squares and triangles to have a story believable enough to convince us that something is going on.
I went down this path and it was destructive. I chose to go another route. Expect the best be prepared for the worst.
For the moment it has kept my emotions in check and made me think about the lighthouse.
The LH is our character and the waves emotions. If our character is strong enough to withstand the emotions we constantly feel, especially in stormy periods it will guide us and our R to safety.
The only difference is that with each wave we withstand we get stronger.
How often do we snoop and sneak hoping to find crap to prove something negative and blow up in their face about it only to walk away thinking ... maybe next time when we dont.
Your issues are not with the OM it is with yourself and your wife. He is merely a prop in this play.
You asked this a few months ago and I did not answer, sorry.
Originally Posted By: Maximus
I would like to know in what situation do you then think I am really in.
I think your wife is depressed and whether their is an OM or not is really not relevant. Even if she is involved with him it is unlikely anything more than cake eating, looking for happiness, in the wrong places.
Today is one of those deja vu days. Yesterday had friendly chat with wife, she sent me a pic she took of her at an event with a friend and I complemented her how pretty she looked. We said goodnight and left it at that.
Today I was busy during the day doing work things with limited Internet connection as I am abroad and was saving talking to her later on as we are 6 hours behind.
I go to a mall to look for some things she asked for before I left home and sent her a message saying hi the things she wanted are not in the model she wanted and if I should get her those.
Reply I get is... You are still alive. No thanks. Bye. I reply bye as a reflex.
Then try to call her twice with no reply.
Decided to send message saying I went to mall to look for what she wanted and find this from her. I try to call her and she does not pick up. I do not know why the attitude but this is not the way to solve this. I then wish her a good night, if she changes her mind she knows where to find me. I miss them and thinking of them. I then end it with a kiss and a bye.
Before when I travelled there was always this stupid thing of who said hi or goodnight first. Now she would say goodnight and I would call to speak and say goodnight so I don't understand this sudden hump.
Thing is could I have said hi when I got up? Yes but it was rush to work. With time difference she had six hours head start to say hi so OK stalemate. I did not get upset so can not see why she did when I am the one travelling and alone in another country.
Not sure about all of your sitch, but you seem to be coming from a place of need and she knows it. She can push your buttons. Was the "you're still alive" a dig at you because she expects you to be in constant contact? Are you sure that she wasn't just saying "no thanks" and had to run? A simple text or one call woud do from you to her. She may feel you are chasing her. Can you sense yourself feeling a little desperate after the first call? "Why is she not ansering??? Why didn't she return my call??" Detach, detach, detach.
Quote:
Decided to send message saying I went to mall to look for what she wanted and find this from her. I try to call her and she does not pick up. I do not know why the attitude but this is not the way to solve this. I then wish her a good night, if she changes her mind she knows where to find me. I miss them and thinking of them. I then end it with a kiss and a bye.
This does nothing but put pressure on her. Now you are chasing her AND lecturing her. Never argue, never make her wrong. Don't acknowledge she didn't pick up. Also, saying you miss them (implying her too) and ending it with a kiss would normally be needy and pursuing also, unless you have been doing that with each other still each night. It seems like she is still letting you hug her, so maybe "miss you and 'mwah'" is ok. You didn't say, "I love you", so I guess you guys aren't there yet.
Be calm, cool, collected, confident. You don't care about the outcome. You can't control her reactions. You asked her, she said "no thanks", leave it. Don't let her get you in a position of trying to defend yourself or acting desperate
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
I understood from cadet that she has a depression so I try and be supportive but keep a distance. Sometimes she will send a message about an activity she did or a meal she did for our son. Sometimes she will end the message with a kiss or some other icon and others none.
She only gives me a peck when I leave for a trip when I come back contact from her is zero.
We are no where near the ily stage even though we have been on a few trips together. If I get too close to a female friend or colleague she thinks I am sleeping with her.
I am not needy of her, I encourage her to gal and without pressuring her. The only time I flex muscle is if she oversteps any boundary I have or something that could present a problem for us or if she forgets something important. Lately she forgets a lot and just concentrates on going to the gim.
Things have improved and gotten warmer but we are still not a couple and I am growing tired of waiting.
Tbh I wonder if I have a depressed wife, wayward or am going from a ww to a ssm.
I get on with my life and only repeat actions or words that she says so as to not bring it up a level and create an awkward situation.
I have set a date anyway. If by Jan 2016 we are still in the peck on the lips when I leave then I will evaluate and if I don't see things improving will call it quits.
Maximus, sometimes I think of putting a "deadline" on my M too, but then I think, what will that accomplish? I don't want to be divorced, and I don't want my kids to be in a D home. If things get worse, if H starts raging and getting drunk and threatening suicide again, or seeing OW again, then yes, I probably will end things. But I decided to hold off on a deadline because if at any time I find that it is too hard to keep trying I can decide at that time. But as for now, I will keep plugging away for as long as it takes. Just my two cents.
The quarrel was on Sunday. I decided to cool off and not contact her on Monday. Monday night she texts me around ten at night saying goodnight, she hopes I am having a good time and to let her know when I return from my trip. I ignore her. I was really upset.
At 1 in the morning she sends another text saying ... good thing you say you miss us. I still do not reply (there is a -6 hour time difference).
2.5 hours later at 03.30 am she sends another....still waiting.
1 minute later she sends another saying that she can see i am online and not answering.
2 hours later she sends a few sms (previous were whatsapp)asking whats wrong. Then she rings me 7 times and I dont pick up.
She then says that she rang me 7 times and she was now starting to get worried.
She then sends another couple of sms saying she will tell our son to contact me as it seems i am to busy.
I decide to call her and tell her I did not pick up because I was in a dinner (true as well) and knew that the moment I picked up we would argue and I did not want that as I was in a public place so waited until we split to go back to our hotel.
She was hysterical (could hear her tearful) threatening that she was going to call my boss thinking something had happened to me. She wanted to spew and I tried to calm her down saying I was upset at her behaviour and wanted to cool off. I admitted i could have sent a message but after her actions did not want to talk to her.
She told me the reason she was upset the day before was because I told her I had the day off and was going to go out and I did not contact her all day until I sent the message which was at night her time. I told her I finally had to do some jobs and finished late. I acknowledged I could have contacted her before but I was caught up in events and we agreed that it was not imperative to contact each other every morning rigorously. I thought we had gone past that stage and I did not want to return to the times of arguing because we were playing who contacted who first. I was over that.
Some more words were said and I told her I did not understand her behaviour as when I am back home sometimes I feel like a piece of crap and she treats me like a b rate friend. I was her husband not a friend and did not want to be one neither. I was tired of seeing other couples enjoying each others company and I was still in the no contact zone and was tired of it. If she wasnt happy with me nor wanted me to touch her to let me know and we would finalize things and move on but I couldnt go on like this any longer.
She said something happened to me on that trip and where did all this come from. I told her I was just fed up. She was free to live her life as she wanted but I wanted more.
Anyway things cooled down and we hang up. The following morning she texted me if I was feeling better and I said yes. I asked her and she said she was ok.
Things were pretty smooth these past days.
To the above however I saw a couple of strange actions. Before calling me she was searching for the lyrics of stitches and sorry. These seem to be about break ups and makes me wonder what break up. She also changed her profile status to ¨stitches¨like the song. She has this habit of putting texts or song titles to reflect her mood.
