I have seen a few posts where members worry that if they go too far in going dark or whatever shade of grey their spouse will call it quits thinking they move on.
IMHO I think that before shutting down or moving on they always give a last tally ho. Be it an action or event either kindly or sarcastically and from their reaction you can tell how it affects them. If they do, take it with a pinch of salt, same as if they don't. Sometimes you missed the action or event as it comes in all shapes and sizes.
As their reactions can be for so many reasons dont waste too much time thinking about it. If they want you or the R to work, they will not checkout so easily.
As for you, I do not know your full situation but if you detach correctly and not shut out she shouldnt be in that position.
I think that we confuse how we acted in our M where we probably did more shutting out than detaching as well as have a different dynamic of a downward spiral and how we act now. I saw a post where a member explained it perfectly. The difference between moving on and moving forward. In our M we were maybe moving out/on and here we have to learn to move forward.
their spouse will call it quits thinking they move on.
