5 Months after I opened Pandora's Box and I am at a crossroads.
My M is somewhere on the map but I don't know where.
If you were to look at us from a distance we seem like a normal couple. Sometimes smiling, sometimes laughing at a situation. We went to a movie together (the first time in ages). In short things look sweet.
If you look closer you will see no physical contact. The maximum I can expect is the typical brush something off some part of my clothes or a peck on the lips when I leave on a trip.
Have I made progress since PBD (Pandora Box Day)? On a personal level, yes. I am more level headed and began taking more stfu smoothies. There should be a pub where they serve these so we can get together. I think I have gained respect from her and she certainly doesnt treat me in the same way she did months ago.In short, I have reclaimed my position as man of the house. Even things with my son are great.
I have moved into the MBR some months ago and she even moved my things from the other bathroom to the bathroom in the MBR shortly after.
On a downside, I have had a few slip ups when I tried to get some physical reaction from her and intimacy but met with a direct blank. Rejection is hard to assimilate and sometimes I find myself thinking that it was easier when I hated her.
Some months or years ago I would be over the moon at having a R like this one. My expectations of what I want from a R and partner are different. I have earned self respect and though I am not perfect nor innocent think I deserve to be happy. Preferably sharing it with a loved one.
I will not blame her for how we got to where we did recently. We each made mistakes and I made far too many. I am continuously working at making myself a better person and hoping that at the same time I can start a new R with my W and iron out the old flaws that condemned it.
The problem is trust.
Until PBD I called her out on a few situations I didnt like with OM even though they seemed innocent and in public but it was the timing, body language and I also noticed she was extremely protective of her phone. After PBD solitary situations that would have gone unnoticed now made sense and gave me clearer picture of what was happening and at least during what time.
It was during this time that I did not know how serious it was she was going on trips with me (i thought it would be a way of re-connecting), I was buyig her some gifts she wanted for her activities (my current salary now allowed me to indulge myself a little whereas before we were always trying to make ends meet). I basically tried to show her that I was changing (I was in many ways) but also the dynamics and dark problems of our past could also be behind us. No guilty parties or crap to bring up. Just look ahead to a R 2.0. Unfortunately I was woken up a few months later. During all this time she was still contacting OM with an EA (PA never proven) and on PBD she sent him a message saying she missed him.
After PBD she apologized, explained why she did it and swore she would never do it again. She took full responsability and was overwhelmed as even our S found out and made a remark that hurt her. He even gave me green light to shop around as she denied that there was anything between them for over 1 year, suggested we should separate as things were not working out and that I was out of line for suggesting this. Unfortunately for her this incident caught her out.
Since then it has been a struggle to overcome these issues from my part and I imagine from hers as well. Things did improve in baby steps, I listened to advice from members here and realized I had to stop doing destructive actions but step by step our R got smoother and friendlier. I also noticed how her interaction with me changed and my dominance in the R took over. I was now the stronger one. She no longer had the last word nor was her word law. She lost the power I gave her years ago.
Don't get me wrong. I do not act as a dictator, I ask her for advice, we discuss topics and make decisions together. If I still think my way is the best I act on it. Before it was what she said. period. I remember sandi's words about taking the lead, getting respect and my own about not being ahead or behind my W but beside her.
Her erratic actions and sometimes strange behaviour she boils down to the fact she is not financially independant, still has no work, no prospect of one even on the horizon, some other sh*t she says she needs to workout and on top of that I have to move to abroad next year and possibly sell the house. She can either come or stay it is her choice but must accept the way her life will be with whatever choice she makes. my company invited us over to have a look at the country and she doesnt like it. She is a local girl and doesnt want to move. I can understand that and respect it. My train however has started rolling and next year will see me leave. She can be onboard or not.
So after this history where does the trust come in?
Basically that I read that sex and physical non sexual interactions are a sign things are good. With her she not only does not initiate but if I hug her she does not lean in or react. She is like an ironing board. Physically we are where we were months and years ago. Always me initiating.
My dilema is do I continue to show her TLC? Do I pull back? Is her coldness in that area because there is no love, just the ILYB... still living on? do we need more time?.
I can understand she does not initiate as it was something she rarely did before but now she does not react, excpet for the pecks when I leave. At night if I am away on a trip she almost always send me a message to say goodnight or how was day.
I am at a loss.
To add to further injury, this morning while doing an errand I got to a crossroads near my house. It ws dark and I was at there at the same time with a car of the same make, model and last 3 digits of the number plate of the OM car. I did not see if it was him as it was dark and could not follow or do anything as I was late.
This brought back memories of when I saw him months earlier driving around our neighbourhood looking for a place to park in the afternoon to meet W.
