Made it through the day without calling my W, thanks for the help today folks. Had the IC that we both saw (works with my W) reach out to me this afternoon for an unrelated issue and I told him that I was confused by her behavior.
His reply "She said that you had connected over the weekend, sounds confusing to me too!"
25 years of couples therapy under his belt and he's confused. Makes me feel a bit better about my sitch.
Tomorrow is a new day. I've got my rubber bands back on and a host of goals to get through.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Made it through the day without calling my W, thanks for the help today folks. Had the IC that we both saw (works with my W) reach out to me this afternoon for an unrelated issue and I told him that I was confused by her behavior.
His reply "She said that you had connected over the weekend, sounds confusing to me too!"
25 years of couples therapy under his belt and he's confused. Makes me feel a bit better about my sitch.
Tomorrow is a new day. I've got my rubber bands back on and a host of goals to get through.
PP
The good ones will admit they don't know what they don't know. He also might have more suspicions or insights [esp. since he's talked to your W], but he can't share them because it's premature, might get your hopes up too much, or that judgement is based on something your W disclosed in privacy of their professional R. "Sounds confusing to me too!" can also be construed as I can see how that would seem confusing to you. It is a basic reflection of meaning back to you. Sort of a "wow, I can see why you say that..." It's not that he is lying, but that he may have an insight or view that would be detrimental to your growth and development.
There have been many signs that your W is not entirely sure about you. It is also hard detach, and the process is not linear. You also noted yourself your frustration that the major things have been addressed, but you still are getting a D. Do you see how on the one hand there is the pull of that, yet with the loss of trust and affection that she could be thinking, oh that's nice but I don't feel the spark? Then there is fear of whether she can trust, whether she loveable, whether she can handle the pain of taking a step back only to have you revert to the old you. There is also a disconnect between what you are saying and doing and the way she is perceiving these things. If she views you as an emotional threat or trigger for painful feelings, she is going to not always see you clearly. That's a lot of noise to filter through to try to guess what is actually going on with her.
This week has been full of mixed messages for me too, so I'm right there with you scratching my head and wondering. I've had my W greet me in her PJs, robe with nothing underneath [wanted to say, what the h*ll you do you think you are doing, you're naked under that one, losely gathered garment - it's been a year and a half and you don't see how crazy that's going to drive me], actually call to do something considerate [wanted to ask if she had hit her head on something], and then shortly after text to let me know something totally inconsequential. Just too many possible explanations to even attempt to figure it out. Too much noise. I suspect a lot of it is unconscious, and that if I make her aware of it, she will put the walls back up. Even if she is starting to feel a little different towards me, it doesn't mean she is ready to take the first steps toward mending our R. It just is what it is. Time will tell. Keep on keeping on. At least things aren't getting worse even if this doesn't mean something positive.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I've done nothing else but obsess about my situation.
And pound coffee.
PP
Originally Posted By: ep0215
real coffee, right?
I laughed way too hard at this.
PP, I can see how those events would have you spinning and confused, I would be also. Deep down you still want things to work out, I think we all do. Its hard to tell her intentions so keep on your path and let whatever happens happens. Nothing changes from what you have been doing to get to this point.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
The good ones will admit they don't know what they don't know. He also might have more suspicions or insights [esp. since he's talked to your W], but he can't share them because it's premature, might get your hopes up too much, or that judgement is based on something your W disclosed in privacy of their professional R. "Sounds confusing to me too!" can also be construed as I can see how that would seem confusing to you. It is a basic reflection of meaning back to you. Sort of a "wow, I can see why you say that..." It's not that he is lying, but that he may have an insight or view that would be detrimental to your growth and development.
There have been many signs that your W is not entirely sure about you. It is also hard detach, and the process is not linear. You also noted yourself your frustration that the major things have been addressed, but you still are getting a D. Do you see how on the one hand there is the pull of that, yet with the loss of trust and affection that she could be thinking, oh that's nice but I don't feel the spark? Then there is fear of whether she can trust, whether she loveable, whether she can handle the pain of taking a step back only to have you revert to the old you. There is also a disconnect between what you are saying and doing and the way she is perceiving these things. If she views you as an emotional threat or trigger for painful feelings, she is going to not always see you clearly. That's a lot of noise to filter through to try to guess what is actually going on with her.
This week has been full of mixed messages for me too, so I'm right there with you scratching my head and wondering. I've had my W greet me in her PJs, robe with nothing underneath [wanted to say, what the h*ll you do you think you are doing, you're naked under that one, losely gathered garment - it's been a year and a half and you don't see how crazy that's going to drive me], actually call to do something considerate [wanted to ask if she had hit her head on something], and then shortly after text to let me know something totally inconsequential. Just too many possible explanations to even attempt to figure it out. Too much noise. I suspect a lot of it is unconscious, and that if I make her aware of it, she will put the walls back up. Even if she is starting to feel a little different towards me, it doesn't mean she is ready to take the first steps toward mending our R. It just is what it is. Time will tell. Keep on keeping on. At least things aren't getting worse even if this doesn't mean something positive.
Thanks As, it helps to hear his reply from another therapist's perspective. My gut tells me they may have spoken and that he was being professional with his reply.
Fogg is right too, nothing's changed. There is no new information, just new confusion and that's all on my part. The path to D is still the one we're walking down at the moment, that hasn't changed.
Today I'm back to work, back to staying positive and moving forward. Not spending the day on the boards, or obsessing and having conversations in my head with my W. Yesterday was frustrating and worse I didn't get anything done, just sat and ruminated. Not today.
Sorry you had to look at Mrs As in such little clothing, I wouldn't have been able to control myself either! Stay strong my friend!
Thanks again for the recommendation of Storms Cant Hurt the Sky, I'm about to read a chapter to start my day.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Wow. You must be a way stronger person than I am. I know our situations are totally different, but there's no way I could do that right now. I'd be messed up for days if not longer.
STBX and I kiss all the time, cheek kisses in public, lip kisses not. It's a cultural thing down here and doesn't mean much.
Do you see how on the one hand there is the pull of that, yet with the loss of trust and affection that she could be thinking, oh that's nice but I don't feel the spark? Then there is fear of whether she can trust, whether she loveable, whether she can handle the pain of taking a step back only to have you revert to the old you.
Been thinking about this question As, it was clarifying for me.
Today I had the thought about it that has helped me see things from her perspective. I thought about what life would be like if I walked around randomly throwing punches in the air, no matter who's fault it was that I did this, be it mine from past conditioning, mine from addiction, hers, God's, no ones, - and from this she got punched a lot. (this is a metaphor btw, I'm not a hitter)
Then if 9 months later I told her I had solved my punching problem, hadn't hit anything months, had gotten my arm examined, determined the root of my punching problem, and even had steps in place to make sure I wouldn't ever punch again - my W would still have sore spots on her body, injuries even that hadn't healed.
She would also have the painful memories of walking into punches and could say to herself, "The only way to not get punched again is to just be on my own or with someone that can't punch."
This has made me understand things from her perspective a lot better and understand her desire to not come rushing back in no matter how she may feel about me as a person.
Hopefully this helps others with WAS's.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Pp, I think that you are spot on with that. And as it is also. My W has told me that she couldn't trust that my changes were real. And I was depressed, and took some of it out on her.
Your metaphor is perfect.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
