Zero steps forward

[Pax_luv]

Thanks Mr bond for keeping it real! You are right, I can't blame it all on MLC, we did have issues that we both didn't deal with "properly." For me, it's one of those things I just never learned.... But boy, have I learned a ton over the last few months. That's what makes it so freaking hard to let go... I know I could go back tomorrow and do things differently. This is a marriage after all and I never knew how hard marriage was until now. We were never in a bad place before... We just spiraled and didn't have the tools to get it right ( or that's how I see it in my head).

To answer some of your non- rhetorical questions-
I do want a family, but I just needed a lil more time to get settled into my career.

I've been ready for a year now. It's something we always talked about.... But leading up to that we were so disconnected... He was so unhappy and it was hard to be emotionally connected to him. He was all over the place and it was exhausting. He would say "Let's sell the house, let's keep the house, let's remodel the house, I'm buying a new car, I'm starting a new business, I want a condo so I can go to auditons and stay the night, I'm buying a Harley and don't care what you say about it. It's my money" He wasn't letting me in- wouldn't share his world and was all over the place and I felt him pulling away and I had no idea how to get him back. To this day, I feel so guilty about not being able to do more... Because I truly love him and want to be his rock.... I just couldn't see what was happening right in front of my eyes. I was too consumed about how he was making me feel with all the chaos.

Re: counseling- he initiated and wanted me to come to his IC (the one he had been seeing throughout the year) so we could get tools to work together. Therapy bombed big time..... She is in no way shape or form a marriage therapist. It just made things worse between us.

Re: move- he said he needed space to see how he felt about me and if he missed me. Since he takes care of the pool, landscaping, and the granny flat (that we rent out) it made sense for him to stay there. I found a short term lease at a nearby apt complex and we agreed that this would be a trial separation to figure things out. Well, our trial time has come and gone. I did initiate an r talk in August, because we originally agreed to connect once a month and see how it was going. Since it didn't happen on his end I did initiate the talk. At that time, he said he was happy being on his own and not worrying about me. He still thought I was beautiful and he will always care for me. He tried to find those feelings again, but he couldn't. He needed more time... And he told me he wasn't dating... (And said I shouldn't be either)... And he said we would talk in a few weeks.

2 weeks ago was when he called and said- I realized that we never had that r talk. Did you renew your lease? ... And then went into the talk about being ready to date other people.

Happy to hear anyone's thoughts about this.