Can't get past the cheating

[MrBond]

"I guess I would want him to find out why he made that specific choice?"

Have you asked him? Have the two of you gotten marriage counseling or therapy?

"I feel like for most of out marriage, it's been games, power struggles, withdraws, silent treatments and punishments. I've read a little about what you all refer to as dropping the rope. Which I believe I have tried in the past. But then I get accused of shutting him out."

That's not what dropping the rope means.

"There are so many double standards in this marriage and I am quite unhappy. He is allowed to just disappear, all day, with zero explaination or even a "hey, I'll be back at 6". I've told him these things destroy trust when I desperately need it be built back up. But it falls a deaf ears and just keeps happening."

He is allowed to do that because you "allow" him to get away with it. What are the consequences if he does that? What are your boundaries? For example, you can tell him that if he goes out without telling you, he will be sleeping on the couch for a week.

"I have rambled, but I need him to take ownership and build trust! He rarely thinks about my feelings. He just recently said that he doesn't feel "special anymore". I just don't understand."

Did you ask him so you could understand?

"If I were the one who cheated, I would feel fearful of losing my husband, I would be trying to listen and make him feel like fixing these mistakes is all I want. I would say I was a fool and I want this marriage more than anything! I would make sure I was transparent. I would ask what he needs! "

That's what a rational person would do. But it seems like the two of you just swept things under the rug. That's why a counselor is critical for you now.